I don't intend this to be the "official" text version, just my own interpretation. So bearing that in mind, here's "Chapter 1":
It’s a Wonderful Dog’s Life
“Your lawyer will be arriving shortly with a change of clothes for you, Joel.”
It was the day of my trial, and I was at district court. I was too much of a mess of emotions to even feel relief when I was alone.
Scared? Sure, but not as scared as I might have been. I’d been in jail for quite some time already—how much time I wasn’t quite sure, though it must have been months. It was hard keeping track of the days when they were all the same. Had to stay in a cold, dank cell except for the few times they called you out, and had no company except a bunch of reprobate jailbirds and vicious jailers. I hated it, but all I could expect if found guilty (which was likely) was more of the same.
Angry? A little—okay, a lot. I’d been tricked into kidnapping that dog—the dog who I hadn’t realized belonged to a police officer, of all people. Even if that weren’t the case, it had never been my idea to kidnap a dog that belonged to someone else. Honest. I was mad at my superior at PETA who’d made me do that, I was mad at myself for not standing up to him—heck, I was mad for not doing research into PETA before I’d joined. I’d tried to plea bargain but since I’d run away at the first opportunity I was likely to be found guilty of resisting arrest as well.
Ashamed? You bet. How would I have liked it if someone had kidnapped my pets when I was little? How would they have liked it? It wasn’t my idea, sure, but I’d still gone along with it, and I felt awful. But not awful enough to feel like I deserved to suffer in prison anymore. What was the point of that? It wouldn’t change anything.
“Good morning, Joel.”
I whipped around. I’d been lost in my thoughts, sure, but I was CERTAIN no one had come in through the door. If not for the fact that the sound was clearly coming from behind me I would have thought I’d imagined it.
Staring into an enormous blue birdlike face that was large enough to swallow me whole, I was stunned stiff.
“You’re…not my lawyer….”
“Oh, come on. I would have expected something like, ‘I suppose I’d better switch to an insanity plea.’”
Insanity. Well, I wasn’t quite sure I was insane—does it count if you’re AWARE that you’re insane?—but I could see this bird-creature’s point. Not only had this HUGE creature that had no right to exist somehow materialized in the room with me, without coming in through any door or window (not that it would have fit anyway), but as I looked closely, I realized this wasn’t even a bird at all. Oh sure, it looked kind of like one from the front, but last I checked, birds didn’t have ears.
A griffin. A mythical creature that was supposed to not be real. That’s what I was seeing. An honest-to-goodness griffin.
“Great, Joel, you’re so awash with guilt that you’re hallucinating….” I mumbled to myself.
“My name you can’t pronounce, but others have called me ‘Pete’,” said the griffin.
“Charmed.” I couldn’t help a hint of sarcasm in my voice. I didn’t believe I was really having a conversation with a talking griffin, especially one with such a mundane name as “Pete.”
The griffin furrowed his brows and brought his beak dangerously close to me. Sweat built up on the back of my neck but I stood my ground.
“I’ve been watching you a long time, Joel, and you have been a very naughty boy. You blame animals for your problems. You take out your hurt feelings on them, despite all the pain it’s caused you in return. The cycle must stop—and a six-month stint in jail does nothing for a broken conscience.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, Mister Figment of My Imagination, I’m not stupid, I can see where this is going. You’re going to ‘teach me a lesson’ about how I’m a mean ol’ sourpuss and how the world is really built on the backs of rainbows and unicorns and I’m just not seeing it. So by spending time as the very thing I hate, I’ll gain a new perspective on life and come to a greater understanding of peace and love and whatever other New Agey junk. Then, as though it took only one night, I’ll wake up again as myself, all misty-eyed with a newfound sense of compassion, and never knowing if what I experienced was really real or all just a dream.”
The griffin had an amused look on his face. I didn’t see what was so amusing. Apparently I was to play the part of Ebenezer Scrooge in this little play of his, did he find something funny about that? Well, I wasn’t going to resist, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. Sure, I knew I wasn’t as humble or compassionate as I might have been, sure, I would have liked to gain a better outlook on life, but this wasn’t some Charles Dickens novel, this was real life (or at least a hallucination in real life). I had my doubts as to whether I could really change.
“So how about it, huh? Let’s get this hallucination over with!”
The griffin cocked his head, a quizzical look on his face. “Hallucination?”
“Yeah! Are you going to change me into a dog now, or what?”
“You are quick, aren’t you?” Pete smiled and looked below my eyes. Puzzled, I followed his gaze, wondering what he was staring at when—
“AAAH! I’m NAKED!”
Quickly I covered myself—how had I not known?! How had he gotten rid of my clothes without my even realizing it? I hadn’t even felt a draft like I should have!
The griffin laughed—it was a strange kind of laugh that sounded something like a cross between an eagle screech and a lion roar, but it was definitely a laugh.
“You humans and your modesty,” he said, shaking his head.
By now, of course, I knew why I hadn’t felt a draft. I looked down at my body, and somehow what I saw didn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that I was now naked. Even though it should have been shocking enough to notice first.
My entire body was covered in fur. Black fur on my back, brown fur on my sides, and white fur on my belly. My hands and feet were now paws, with claws instead of nails, and pads where my palms and soles had been. My ears were now large, pointy, mobile, and on the top of my head. My nose and mouth were now a muzzle filled with sharp teeth and a flat tongue. And while it was only a stubby thing, I had a tail.
No wonder Pete wasn't changing me into a dog—he’d already done it. He’d let me shoot off my mouth at him, all the while unaware that I was already a dog—not just a dog, but a LITTLE dog. A Welsh Corgi, I think my breed was.
Only now did I start to become aware of my improved senses of hearing and smell. It wasn’t quite like I would have expected—I would have thought everything would be louder and more pungent, but that’s not quite how it was. I could just hear and smell MORE than I could before. Oddly, though, I detected nothing new or unusual about my own smell, even though—I have to admit it—I smelled like a dog.
Pete snapped his fingers and suddenly disappeared into a puff of white smoke. I coughed and shut my eyes, and when I opened them I found myself staring at an old man. He still towered over me but he was definitely human-sized now. The way he was dressed did nothing to make this feel less like a hallucination, although I was feeling more and more that this was no hallucination—somehow or other, it was really happening to me.
He was wearing a bowler hat and an old-fashioned brown suit, holding a cane, and sporting a bushy white mustache. He looked like something out of a nineteenth century British novel more than anything.
“Now, I will be playing the part of your owner,” said the man in Pete’s voice.
“Swell,” I muttered. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t all that upset about my current predicament—and maybe I would learn something from this experience, too—but I did have a short temper and a tendency toward sarcasm. Anyway, I wasn’t going to resist—what was the point of going against a creature powerful enough to change not only his form but my own? But that didn’t mean I had to be all smiles about it.
“This is my ‘Gaspar’ getup,” said Pete. “Don’t worry if you don’t get the reference. We will be moving into Babylon Gardens, you may have heard of it. They like theme tagging there, so….”
He snapped his fingers, and somehow I didn’t feel naked anymore. Oh, I was still naked, but now I found myself wearing a collar around my neck.
A dog collar.
Wonderful.
It wasn’t tight enough to choke me, but it was tight enough that I couldn’t pull it over my head and take it off. I looked at my tag, which was an odd shape. Even upside-down, I recognized it.
“Your tag is that of a certain chess piece, to go with your new name…King.”
“Ohh no you don’t!” I snapped (barked?). “Being changed into a dog, I can put up with. Being naked and wearing a collar, I can put up with. Having you pose as my owner, I can put up with. But changing my name is crossing a line! You’re NOT going to call me ‘King,’ I have a name! My name is KING!”
I clapped a paw over my mouth. “My name is…King….”
Have you seen the movie “Liar, Liar,” specifically the part where Jim Carrey was trying to say that a blue pen was red, and he couldn’t do it? That was more or less how I felt now. No matter how many times I tried to say “My name is Joel,” I found I couldn’t do it. It kept coming out, “My name is King.”
“How…how did you do that…?”
“Do what?” said Pete. If he was yanking my chain (so to speak) he gave no indication. He was acting as though “King” had always been my name. And somehow…it felt like it was.
Not that I particularly minded the name—it sounded a lot more important than “Joel,” anyway. But I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I didn’t FEEL like a king. I felt about the same.
This was even weirder and freakier than being changed into a dog—being unable to say my own name, replacing it with this dog name, made it more real somehow. It was like I hadn’t been changed into something I wasn’t, but instead….
No, no, I wouldn’t think about that now. Pete didn’t give me time anyway.
“Come along, King, we’re going home,” he said, just like any guy might say to his dog.
“Yes, MASTER,” I muttered under my breath as I followed him. He held out his hand to me, and I took it. Didn’t have much choice, did I?



