Housepets!

I just hit him up like “Hey, how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great, thanks for asking, here’s $7,000.”

"Here, let me just unplug my pants."

No, this is my child and I must protect it at all costs, keep it above the water so that I can take a sip, after this fall has taken place.

Whether your life is long or short, what comes after's the same length for ever'body...

"How to survive a freestyle rap battle."
"Introduce the element of Trumpet."
"Yes, you pull out your surprise trumpet."

"In other news today, all of LA was destroyed after two Katana wielding individuals got into an argument about muffins."

"Your mother is flying a forest through a time vortex!"

"Picture magical girls that are actually soda cans, and... okay, it still makes no sense."

"Just according to cake."

(Translator's Note: "Cake" means "Keikaku")

(Translator's Note: "Keikaku" means "Plan")

“I really think a whale would solve all of our problems right now.”

"Life is just a bowl … and we're all duckpins!"

“I have a party to throw, and someone to throw it at.”

"The eye lump is versatile."

“A life catching fish might seem idyllic, but do you think you're ever going to eat them? Have a little fish-fry and hang out on the beach with all your pals? NO. The moment your inventory's full, it's straight down to the Pawn Shop to flog the lot! “Oh thank you for this thoughtful gift of a lovely sofa, Goose Woman. Doesn't go with my place, but it would look just perfect at the Pawn Shop!” “Oh what a beautiful butterfly, the morning dew beaming like perfect jewel, multicolored— don't care! Pawn Shop!” Gimme my bells, I'm in deep with the raccoon mob!”

“But along the way, you’ll meet ghost dads, well meaning death machines, raisin monks, extreme sliding, aggressive rocks, climate change, the color blue, somewhere, over the rainb-oh, Claritin Clear, yes yes yes yes yes yes, physics, selfies, sick beats, real love, major tests of murder, echo echo echo yyyyyyeah, real woman hours, beesechurger, sugar daddies, reverse cougars, stressful music, delicious nutritious sand, beefy boys, vape nation, professional vegans, Rosco the ladies man, animal cruelty, falling, dying, crying, and becoming one with nature.”

Not exact quote.
"Apparently, the god of time is a stump."

Leslie, I typed your symptoms in, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

"This just in;

Beverly Hills, 90210
Cleveland Browns, 3"

“I don’t really want to go out there with the barbarian Snu Snu the ax queen just hanging out there, but not much option.”

Eat balloons rhino! Your natural enemy.

... Drake, where’s the door hole?

“I get to pay someone a bunch of cash to make LGBTQ 1950s power ranger werewolves and elves and write a game about fighting a space nazi.“

"GO BACK TO YOUR HOME!"

If someone with one arm speaks in sign language, is that a speech impediment or an accent?

There's a chance. No, silly, over there.

“Wakey wakey, eggs and dead people.”

"They're called "leaves" because eventually they leave the tree, silly."

(just because yours sounds like something he would say...)
"I shoulda known! I wish I was as smart as you, Falls."

(I'm flattered.) "We called him tortoise because he taught us ... although he didn't teach us much."

(o.0 why? sounding enough like falstaff that a truck quote matches isn't a compliment...)

“Tentacle with some octopus thrown in!”

"Take compliments where you find them even if you mistake them."

“Of course the stabby weasel is a chainsaw.”

Eggs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

“I’m thankful for two things: violence and haircare.”

If life hands you lemons, it's trying to tell you you're a sourpuss.

NHWestoN wrote:If life hands you lemons, it's trying to tell you you're a sourpuss.

"Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons!"

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness, although both may have highly inflammatory consequences.

“Somehow your personality did a complete 180 and is STILL useless to us!”

"I would like to think that is because I present myself in a very clear and consistent manner. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to scare some people who are just trying to help me, and then go fight monsters and robots from the future. FREELANCER POWERS ACTIVATE!"

"Holy cow, is that a crying sandwich over there? Those are my favorite kind."