Housepets!

you have the best gumbo recipe ever conceived. Sadly though its only written in Cretan Hieroglyphics. So . . . if you ever get it, let me know.

I wish for a brand new taylor guitar.

Granted, though you've somehow lost all your picks and unfortunately picks have shot up in price to $3,000 each.

I wish for a nice barbecue grill.

you've now obtained the best grill on the planet, unfortunately it only runs on whale oil and you have to find some yourself. Oh dear!

I wish for new carpet cleaner that doesn't erode my carpet.

Granted, the cleaner works great and doesn't erode your carpet. It does cause vomiting and hallucinations though.

I wish for an automatic pool cleaner.

you get a cleaner that cleans it like new! . . .but only 2 square centimeters at a time and you HAVE to move it to keep it going.

I wish for a salad

Granted, enjoy your salad of shredded hockey pucks, chopped vacuum cleaner bags, and sliced sidewalk chalk. Oh, and it costs $5,000, cash only, please.

I wish for a doorbell camera.

Granted but it only works 1 minute per week at a random time

I wish for a functional "gaming pc"

Granted, but it causes all the lights in your house too flicker on and off, and a mysterious voice to ring through your house saying “Please give my best wishes to everybody.” whenever you reach the end of a level.

I wish my couch didn’t pick up so much cat hair.

your cat no longer picks up hair as its become completely friction-less. Everything that touches it now just slides right off. Hair, dust, anything trying to sit on it. It's so clean!

I wish for a new gamecube controller. specifically the orange japanese one.

Granted, however it comes with a plug that doesn’t work in North America and when you use an adapter, the GameCube explodes sending you across the room.

I wish my living room was all redone.

Granted. We replaced your furniture with boulders, updated your walls with a Thomas the Tank Engine wallpaper, and installed a new home theater system that was state of the art in the 1950s.

I wish my packages arrived immediately after ordering them

Granted, but every package is filled with Lima beans.

I wish for a new sleeper sofa.

Granted. But sadly its comfy. Cursed comfy. The second you sit on it you will never get off. Oof.

I wish for a pair of studio headphones

Granted, however they add ukulele and accordion music to every song you listen to, record, and mix. Oh, and they give you a very itchy rash.

I wish for catnip toys for my cat.

you buy 100 percent, uncut, pure Colombian cat nip inside said toys. Its so good your cat becomes an addict. Once you run out, your cat sells your TV and other valuable in order to get more.

I wish for a chocolate pudding.

Granted, unfortunately you develop an allergy to a chocolate pudding that causes you to vomit uncontrollably for thirty seven hours.

I wish for a new nightstand.

You get a one nightstand. It leaves you the following morning with whatever items you left on it.

I wish I could cuddle a friend.

Congratulations, you now have the 100 percent ability to cuddle a friend. They all say no, and would rather distance themselves but . . . you can do it!

I wish for a new roll of scotch tape.

The world's best quality Scotch tape, freshly manufacutred rolls towards you... and between your legs... and past you... it... just... keeps... on... rolling... perpetually...

I wish the scotch tape would stop rolling.

Granted. After some doing, the world's top engineers produce an anti-roll of scotch tape. It possesses the exact but opposite properties of the first roll, so when the two come in contact they annihilate each other in destructive fashion. This just so happens to occur right outside your home and only your home is destroyed.

I wish for the ability to teleport.

You teleport with everystep you make to the last location you infuenced a change to. This happens to be my home, which was just destroyed and has a very angry Hound staring right at you...

I wish my house was fixed.

Granted. Your house is perfectly recreated, but in a mirror image version. There's nothing wrong with it, but everything being opposite might be annoying.

I wish my batteries never run out.

All of your batteries stay fully charged forever, but they are all glued to your home's walls so that they can't run out of the hosue either.

I wish I was fluffier.

you will now grow exponentially fluffier. little by little until your whole existence is just fluff and you both comfort and itch those around you.


I wish for a memory foam pillow.

Granted, unfortunately all owners of memory foam pillows must now pay a $500 “tax” or give up the pillows, and vowing under penalty of prison to never own a memory foam pillow again.

I wish I had a Corvette.

you now own a corvette! sadly its only 1:100th scale. but . . hey, you have on.

I wish for an ionic breeze air filter.

Well, you got one... but the workmen installed it in that really old vent-shaft the building doesn't use anymore.
I mean, to be completely honest, I don't even know how they got in there. That whole section has been boarded-up and condemned for years.

I wish, I wish... to visit the HousePets world for a day, maybe?

Granted, unfortunately, it's Bino "appreciation " day and you are stuck to Bino.

I wish for a toaster that functions.

Granted, but it dings every e times 10^-371 microseconds
I wish for SCP-529

Well then, congratulations, POI-529-A
Oh no wait that's D-529-A now. Guess you might not have been quite prepared to go on the run from a secret society with near-unlimited resources. Welp. Enjoy the human experimentation!

I wish, I wish, upon a shooting star that--OH CRAP IT'S COMING RIGHT AT ME I wish this shooting star doesn't hit me please please please

Granted, it hits your car.

I wish I had a better stereo.

Granted, but it permanently attaches directly to the laserdisc player, but hey, Star Wars is on Laserdisc

I wish for O’Neill and Carter to finally be together in the next Stargate series

Granted. They're fused into one strange being. Literally "together".

I wish I could go on holiday in Canada.

Granted. You go on holiday in Québec. Hope you can speak French.

I wish for a reboot of Road Rovers.

Granted. But due to budgetary constraints, this feature is presented in dazzling 1D. A single line of pixels is better than none!

I wish for a new pair of headphones.

Granted, but the headphones translate whatever you’re listen to into poorly dubbed Latvian.

I wish I had more ice melter.

Granted. You get enough ice melter to melt ALL of the ice on Planet Earth, and you drown due to rising sea levels. Good job.

I wish that Nintendo would start putting N64 and Gamecube games on Nintendo Switch Online.

Granted, though they're only available in Singapore and if you're named Alan Wainwright.

I wish I had a couple of Sacajawea dollars.

You get them, but sadly no one accepts them as currency or even a collectors hobby anymore. but you can always trade them in for a regular dollar if you want.

I wish for a new set of black curtains.

Well, uhh, they're... blackened?
You know, by the fires. In all the curtain factories. So, you know, no more curtains, ever, after these ones.
Also you have to buy them used. 'cause, again, they can't make new ones anymore. Pretty expensive too, you know how it is when demand exceeds supply by this much.

I umm... wish this guy wasn't hunting me with a shotgun right now? That would be, you know, nice, for me, if they weren't doing that.