nanowrimo submission, want reviews

[Fidelo]

Last year i wrote up ashort book about love, loss, and foxes for nanawrimo and was wondering if i could get some feedback on it

Note: this is only the prelude and first chapter right now and if anyone cares for more i will post, but please, i really just want some good comments

Prelude

“This is a story about a fox…” “Oh not this story again honey” “What?! It’s a good story!” “But you always tell it!” “Please, just one more time?” “Fine, but don’t leave anything out this time” “Oh you always doubt my abilities” “For good reason, don’t you remember the…” “Don’t spoil anything! “Ok, ok, but only one more time” “Thanks”
As I was saying this is a story about a rather average fox named Fidelo. Fidelo has an orange coat like most foxes, white tips for his paws and tail, a white muzzle, and green eyes. You know, the typical fox look. He is in love with a fox named Tami. She also has green eyes and the same basic traits as other foxes. Fidelo wants to propose to Tami, and as custom dictates, he must bring her a dove to prove his love for her. Now I think you need to know something rather important. Fidelo isn’t the best hunter and is definably a lot scrawnier then the other foxes. He’s also a bit…different. That’s the polite way to put it. He makes up for this by smarter and more compassionate than other foxes. So here’s where we start, a young love struck fox with a simple enough task, but as most books go, it probably won’t be so simple.

Part one: Of Doves and Blue Jays

As we start our story it is a crisp autumn day and we see Fidelo walking through the woods trying to find a dove. He stumbled around for a bit and eventually fell on his face. “*Sigh*Why does the one custom foxes actually follow require me to catch a bird that can go twice my speed and is smaller than a rabbit kit” said Fidelo to himself, but he continued his search.
After about an hour he started seeing a large number of birds creating nests. “Didn’t expect so many birds to nest in this part of the forest” said Fidelo as he searched the group of birds for a dove. Most of them were robins, so he went on his way. As he went further, he saw a greater number of new nests. “Wow…That’s a lot of robins” said Fidelo. Realizing that he was just talking to himself, he couldn’t help but say “I really need to stop talking to myself” “Yes you do” said a robin to Fidelo. “I may not find a dove, so a robin will have to do” yelled Fidelo as he pounced on the small bird. “Wait buddy” said the robin “I can help you find a dove, a whole lot of doves, just get off of me” “Why should I trust you to keep up your end once I free you?” asked Fidelo. “Because those stupid doves kicked us out our nests, and we want them gone so we can go back” said the robin “now can you please get off my throat, I can’t breathe” Fidelo released the little robin, who actually did give him the location of the doves.
Fidelo found the place the robin told him about by walking on a very straight path, and what he found really confused him. He saw a whole city, or what was the start of a city, made of bird’s nests. It was as if the birds were copying the plan from other species that allowed for communal living. Now most birds aren’t very smart and would never think to do this by themselves, so it confused him as to why they thought to do it. Ad when he saw blue jays making nests, Fidelo just lost it. “The robin tricked me” thought Fidelo “he’s so dead” But then Fidelo saw the actually confusing part, a dove took the nest, and the blue jays didn’t mind at all. “I would be mad if my den was taken by another fox, so why are these blue jays ok with doves taking their nests” thought Fidelo. And this was only the start; he saw this go on a multitude of times before being spotted. “Intruder!” cried a blue jay and then a dove flew down. “Would you kindly leave?” asked the dove. “No” said Fidelo “I will not “kindly” leave” “Why?” asked the dove. “I need to bring your dead body back as an engagement token” said Fidelo “that’s why” “Do you know why the blue jays are here?” asked the dove. “I don’t care” said Fidelo. “Because we protect them” “I still don’t care” “from foxes like you” “I don’t want to hurt them” interjected Fidelo “Just you” “and from themselves” “I really just want to kill you” “Because they are always competing” “Can you shut up already?” “over resources” “Is this almost over?” “they could just trade for” “Ok, now you die” said Fidelo as he leapt at the dove. But as you would expect it wasn’t that easy. For as soon he leapt twenty blue jays attacked him.
“Call them off!” yelled Fidelo in great agony. “Will you be civil” said the dove. “Fine, I’ll be “civil”” “Guards, stand down” “I thought you protected them, not vice versa?” “We do protect them” “How?” “By organizing them” “What does that even mean?” “We focus their efforts to achieve a goal, like attacking you” “*confused* So you don’t do anything?” “We help them help themselves” “That’s pretty much nothing” “No, we direct their efforts” “So you do absolutely nothing?” “No, as I said we focus their…” “You already said that, and that is the equivalent of nothing” “You have no grip on society, away with you” said the dove as a group of blue jays chased Fidelo out of the village.
As Fidelo walked away he thought “Now what do I do, without a dove I can’t propose” Just then the robin came back and said, “So how did it go?” “Badly” “What happened?” “You could have told me about the blue jays” “I didn’t think it mattered” “They repetitively pecked me while I tried to kill a dove” “I don’t know what to say” “Why didn’t you tell me?!” “I don’t know” “Do you have any idea why the blue jays help the doves?” “No I don’t” “Something to do with “directing effort” or “focusing power”, he gave me a lecture but I kind of zoned out” “That’s stupid” “I said that” “Then what?” “I got into a shouting match with him” “And then?” “He sent more blue jays after me” “Oh, that’s not fair” “No it isn’t. By the way, what’s your name?” “Toko; and your name is?” “Fidelo, nice to meet you” “Nice to meet you too” “I still need a dove, but I’ll settle for a robin” Said Fidelo as he pounced at Toko once again. This time Toko was prepared and flew to a higher branch.
Realizing that he was safe, Toko asked “Why do you need a dove so badly?” “I need a dove in order to propose to my dear Tami. And since they’re so well protected, I’m screwed” “Cheer up Fidelo, why not use a rabbit, they’re easy enough to catch” “We already had rabbit two times today and I need something special to propose with” “Can I pretend to be dead?” “Ehh…the female says yes by eating the offering, so no, probably not” “Well bye” said Toko as he flew off. “Bye”
After Toko left, Fidelo went to find something to give to Tami in order to engage. He eventually found, after walking by a few rabbits and giving them heart attacks, an unusually large salamander. “Eh, good enough” thought Fidelo as he pounced and killed it. He then proceeded to wander aimlessly around the forest until he eventually found Tami’s den.
When he got to her den, he started pawing at a stone, this being a fox’s version of knocking on a door. This didn’t seem to work so Fidelo decided to call Tami’s name to get her attention. Then from behind him he heard, “Hi Fidelo, how is my favorite foxie woxie doing?” causing Fidelo to jump from the shock. “Hey Tami, didn’t I ask you to stop sneaking up on me like that?” “Well it’s so much fun to see you jump I just have to” “Well Tami, I have a question for you” “Yes I will join you in eating that salamander” “That wasn’t the question” “Fine, you big meanie, hog it to yourself” “No, no, no, that’s not what I meant, what I meant is, would you, I mean will, I mean, oh god I can see stars, I can’t breathe, will you m…”
Let me clear something up for younger readers. Fidelo is in love, and I mean head over heels in love with Tami. He’s so nervous he can’t breathe, let alone think about what to say. All he can think about is how much he loves Tami. Her bright orange fur, her kind demeanor, her emerald green eyes, and even the little half chuckle she makes whenever she cracks a bad joke. He honest to god loved her and this is how he proposed, “Tami…will you…make me…the happiest fox ever…by marrying me?” “Yes Fidelo, but why do you have that awkward little stutter from when we first met, are you unsure?” “Wait, what…no it’s just that I’ve loved you ever since we met and I…” “Oh I’m just teasing you Fidelo, but there is one thing though, what’s with the salamander?” “Well it’s a long story, but it ends with me using a salamander instead of a dove to propose” “Um…what happened foxie pu?” “I don’t want to talk about it” “Please Fidelo, for me” “Ok, but you may want to eat that salamander now cause it’s a long story” “Ok, do you want some” “It’s your present, not mine” “Fine, please tell the story of why you couldn’t get a dove”
And Fidelo told Tami what happened. This caused her to repetitively laugh and at the point where he miss catching Toko the second time, she actually fell down giggling. Tami didn’t quite get any of this and that is probably because these are birds trying to make a totalitarian government and Tami’s an average forest creature. She decided to be quite until Fidelo finally finished his story. “Well that’s…confusingly unbelievable” said Tami with a mouth full of salamander. “Well…do you believe me?” asked Fidelo. “I really don’t know if I do” “I thought as much” “Look Fidelo, it’s a hard to believe your story” “I can prove its true” “How?” "Follow me”
So Fidelo led Tami down the path he learned from Toko and showed her the bird city. “Wow” said Tami. “Weird isn’t it” said Fidelo. “Yah” “Why did you come back” said the dove from before “To prove this place existed so I could explain why I didn’t have a dove to propose with” said Fidelo. “If you don’t leave in…” But the dove never finished, because this time Fidelo gave no warning for his attack and killed the dove. “Here Tami, a proper engagement dove” “Thanks Fidelo, I love it”
Just then some blue jays flew down. “How did you kill the dove?” they asked. “The doves can’t protect themselves, so it wasn’t that hard” said Fidelo. “But…” “”Look, what purpose do they serve in this “society”?” “We really don’t know” “So why do you give them nests, food, and protection?” “We don’t know” “Will you stop giving them that” “Yes” And the blue jays went off and started chasing off the doves and taking back the nests they built. They gave Fidelo a soft praise, and then proceeded to ask him to leave. They said that he may be their savior, but he is still a major danger to them. So he sighed and left.
When he got to a split path, he decided to lead Tami to his den. “Why did you bring me to your den?” asked Tami. “Well, since we’re engaged, I thought we should share a den” replied Fidelo “though I might need to burrow a little deeper to fit both of us” “It’s ok, we can just snuggle for now, and burrow in the morning” So Fidelo and Tami went into the den and slept the night away all warm and cozy together, and in the morning told their friends the happy news. Well that isn’t that many people, so they just kind of yelled it at the top if their lungs. They also set the date of the marriage for the beginning of spring.

here is a link to my mostly unused DA page where i'll post the next couple of chapters if anyone cares
http://imabeaver.deviantart.com/

[ResTheRabbit]

Okay well I'm going to be completely honest in an analytical sense first, then I'm going to tell you what I personally thought okay?

The grammar needs just a little bit of work with the quotations starting new paragraphs. The pacing in certain parts of the dialogue between characters (namely towards the ends of the conversations) tends to be short-ended but really it could be just a stylistic choice. As it stands, somehow I get the chinese proverb vibe from the simplicity.

Okay so enough negative feedback (or "constructive criticism"). It's a really good story that relates well to almost everyone. The characters are likable, the resolution to the main conflict is very creative and even adds a little bit more when he brings his girlfriend to the Dove city. I was never bored reading it and I hope you'll keep writing out more and more for us.

[Obbl]

Cute Story
Hard to read through, though.

You need more description. The story is told almost entirely through the conversations and it starts to sound rushed and unrealistic because of that. You yourself appear to have realized this, since you added *confused* into one of Fidelo's dialogue sentences. Take your time, describe facial expressions, emotions of Fidelo, background details occasionally: something to break up the speaking and add pauses that would normally occur in a conversation. There's a little bit there, but not nearly enough.

On the other hand, the part where Fidelo is trying to get the dove to quite prattling on actually works fairly well. Note: formatting the story like:
"Dove is speaking..."
"Fidelo says something."
"...Dove is still speaking..."
"Fidelo again."
"...Yadda Yadda Bing Bang..." etc
Helps bring attention to where the character switches occur so we can focus more on what's being said rather than who's saying it.

Also, the story appears to be a thinly veiled one-sided debate on totalitarianism with a love story wrapped around it. I don't believe this was your intent, but that's how it comes across. Don't know how to help you there.

Over all, it looks like inexperienced writing. Which is fine because experienced writing comes with experience
For practice, read over your work, but don't read it how you want it to sound; try to read it the way you would if you had picked it up off the shelf. Look for things you think sound really cool, but also look for things you wouldn't have understood if you didn't know what the characters were thinking. If it's not written, we don't know, so you gotta pretend you don't either

[Fidelo]

yeah, it's kinda lame, but the story gets somewhat better in the next couple of chapters and i would have to sayy it's rather good neer the end...something i forgot to mention was this is my first book and i used the first chapter basically as practice, thanx for the opinion and i'll take the advice

also, i just reas 1984 and farenheit 451 in english and wrote an essay on totalitarian governments...so it was burned into my mind and had to get out, oddly enough, the better part of this chapter is completly irrelovent to anything