A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real title)

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QRS3000
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A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real title)

Post by QRS3000 »

The organist's assistant turned the sheet music to the last page. The organist then played the final chord which decayed into a faint reverberant tone. The organist, David Mathiason, swung his legs over the bench, stood up and walked down the steps. The ushers then opened the double doors at the back of the hall. David disappeared into the crowd as he left the hall.

In the main foyer, people chatted among themselves but David was tired and wanted to go home. He was about to open the church entrance door when his boss tapped him on the shoulder. "We're going to have a benefit concert and a potluck. His boss handed him a manila folder, "Here's a list of things you might want to bring"


Walking down the shoulder lane of the freeway, David skimmed the xeroxed contents of the folder. He spotted a green and blue poster made of construction paper. It was a benefit concert for one of the local animal charities. He crumpled the paper and tossed it in the ditch.




In the mess hall, several members of the kitchen staff were setting up the tables.
There were five tables arranged in an arc facing the west side of the building.

Two of the waiters set up the water coolers at the south end table.
One of the water coolers was filled with water and the other water cooler was filled with lemonade.

Another waiter placed on the nearby table a bowl of red grapes.
Right beside the grapes, the waiter placed a bowl of saltines and peanut butter cheddar crackers.

A few more waiters came from the kitchen carrying two casserole trays.

The last waitress came out of the kitchen rolling a cart with six large stacks of paper cups, a stack of napkins, plastic silverware, and three soda bottles: root beer, orange soda, and ginger ale.
She then placed those items at the northern table,went to the double door entrance and opened the mess hall to the congregation members.
Last edited by QRS3000 on Sun Jan 06, 2013 11:21 pm, edited 30 times in total.
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by QRS3000 »

A small group of thirty five people walked into the mess hall; the other fifty people had left the church building. The clock on the northern wall read 2:35 P.M. Pastor Belamonte called the other thirty-four church members to prayer and blessed the food. The church members who had paid the seven dollar fee formed a line then the church elders served the hot meals to them. The fee helped pay for things such as charities and building maintenance which ,of course, included the kitchen.

(writing in progress)
Last edited by QRS3000 on Tue Apr 24, 2012 8:01 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by Luna werewolf »

If you can put words down on paper, then writing is natural. You just need to work on it. Every writer is constantly improving.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
"How do you feel about living here?" his dad asks "It's okay, I suppose.", Persimmon replies "Is that any reason you lashed out at me? Do you not like it here? said his dad half jokingly. "It's fine. " snaps Persimmon. "Calm down. we can talk ---" No." Persimmon's dad sighs, "Alright."
This is kinda hard to read. Sometimes writing should be broken up, like:
"How do you feel about living here?" his dad asks

"It's okay, I suppose.", Persimmon replies

"Is that any reason you lashed out at me? Do you not like it here? said his dad half jokingly.

"It's fine. " snaps Persimmon.

"Calm down. we can talk ---"

"No."

Persimmon's dad sighs, "Alright."


This is easier to read.

I cant belive I'm the one giving advice. So the wheel turns.
Forever bored,
Forever excited,
Forever in love,
Forever lonely,
Forever understood,
Forever misunderstood,
Forever bad,
Forever good,
We are everything.

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QRS3000
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by QRS3000 »

Would it be better to use double spaced typing for the dialogue?
I wasn't sure if that would take up too much space.
Should I keep writing until the conclusion of the story and then edit it or is it better to edit the story as I write?
I feel like some parts of the story are a bit forced and melodramatic.
I used to often find myself as a writer rushing to the climatic parts of the story but then it didn't feel climatic because there wasn't enough tension in it.
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by justacritic »

More paragraphs are better. A paragraph is able to better break down the action into easily followed pieces. When I started writing, I had the sad idea that giant blocks of text were "excellent" writing. It took some helpful advice from other writers and practice to get into the habit of using paragraphs.
Also one thing, don't be afraid of using said. It's very nearly ingrained into the minds of readers to skip over it without breaking the flow of the narrative. While throwing in other verbs declaring the actions of conversations seems to make the story better, really the net effect in the end is rather awkward.

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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by JeffCvt »

You might find it better to write one part, then edit that part. If you wait untill the end, the editing could seem like a lot more to do because you have so much to bo at once.
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by copper »

This is decent writing, no need to fret. Sure there are a few things needing work, but that can be said of anyone. :roll:

As for dialogue, I always find it helpful and easier on the eyes to separate between individual characters. Just my little way of writing, but it helps to know when someone else chimes in...
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by QRS3000 »

I'm sorry I haven't been writing more. I'm trying to figure out the characters. I have a basic idea but I need to develop it. The "chiming in" part is a one time thing. Is it okay to have character biographies?
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by copper »

Yes it is. I remember a few fanfics who put up character bios as fillers between updates...

This is your story. Write it how you want...
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by JeffCvt »

This is your fanfic, you can take peoples advice, but you are the one who decides what is right in the end.
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QRS3000
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Re: A Housepets Fan-Fic by QRS3000 (This guy needs a real ti

Post by QRS3000 »

Thank you for the writing advice. This is the first fan-fiction story I have ever written.

Here are the character bios.

David Mathiason: http://www.ratemydrawings.com/drawings/ ... 45463.html

Age: 28
Occupation: Concert Organist

Collects antiqutes in his spare time.



Erasmus Jorgens
http://www.ratemydrawings.com/drawings/ ... 45640.html
Age: 71
Occupation: Retired from U.S Coast Guard





Melinda Jorgens
http://www.ratemydrawings.com/drawings/ ... 47086.html
Age: 59

Occupation: Music Director ( David Mathiason's supervisor)


Persimmon "Percy" Mathiason

Age: 4

Scottish Fold of the folded ear variety ( I have not yet decided the colors of this cat)

artistic type: loves to build giant sculptures
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