Housepets!

Posted: **Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:43 pm**

Dang. I use my TRUMP card!

>w<

My accomplices stir up anger between America and Russia... then decide to try and resurrect me somehow.

They do... with science and stuff... on a submarine... like all the great superheroes!

Anyway America and the tiny bit of Russia that is left and all of both sides' allies, duke it out, trading nukes to the death of everyone and thing on the surface of the planet.

Posted: **Fri Jun 08, 2018 6:25 pm**

Well, as sole survivor, I pull out my Glock and attack ... oh ... wait ... that's right ... aw, crumbs ............. sigh.

Posted: **Sat Jun 09, 2018 12:59 pm**

Then, we all wake up.

I, irrationally and furiously, attack Weston with a foam Nerf sword!

Posted: **Sat Jun 09, 2018 7:44 pm**

...and I retaliate by flattening you with my Nerf shield!

Posted: **Sun Jun 10, 2018 3:11 pm**

Nerf knife attack...

*Realizes how dumb this is*

Nerf gun attack!

Posted: **Sun Jun 10, 2018 4:25 pm**

Yeah, this whole Nerf thing is pretty drelbe....

Machete !!!!

Posted: **Sun Jun 10, 2018 4:42 pm**

FLAMETHROWER!!! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

Posted: **Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:38 am**

Tomahawks! Tomahawks EVERYWHERE! ... Ill just go back to members vs mods, I'm no good at murdering my fellow humans... Or am I? TOMAHAWKS!!!

Posted: **Mon Jun 11, 2018 1:03 am**

While you are turning your back I pick up a random stone and pelt it at the back of your head!

Posted: **Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:38 pm**

While you turn your back, I employ my geological training to careful select a large, smooth metamorphic rock of exotic color and exacting weight and bounce it off your skull....

Posted: **Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:13 pm**

good thing I'm a time traveling wizard of AWESOMENESS! I teleport to the moment before you threw the rock and directly behind you!

*SMACK!*

Posted: **Wed Jun 13, 2018 2:36 pm**

...and I deflect your teleport, leaving you in the depths of the LaBrae Tar Pits, surrounded by the depraved spirits of extinct Pleistocene mammals with exaggerated dental characteristics and no visual entertainment.

Posted: **Wed Jun 13, 2018 6:46 pm**

Wow... Let's just hope I perish quickly... JK! I'm invulnerable to depraved souls! I... I uh... teleport back?

I hurl a mug in your general direction.

Posted: **Wed Jun 13, 2018 8:41 pm**

Wow, sure is muggy today, I throw a set of dishes and an entire cupboard of silverware at your face

Posted: **Wed Jun 13, 2018 9:01 pm**

i steal a TARDIS and tele-frag your grandparents into red smears on the ground before they met eachother.

for those not familiar with the term, tele-fragging is making something explode by teleporting to a time and place it's already occupying, causing you to emerge inside it.

Posted: **Thu Jun 14, 2018 3:06 pm**

I smack your foot with a hammer.

Posted: **Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:07 pm**

I wallop you in the back of the head with a drenched terrycloth bathrobe. Forest green, by the way.

Posted: **Thu Jun 14, 2018 10:22 pm**

I force you to drink orange juice after brushing your teeth...

Posted: **Thu Jun 14, 2018 11:36 pm**

I make you step on a lego

Posted: **Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:21 am**

I smack you with a frying pan!

Posted: **Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:21 am**

I hit you in the face with a fire extinguisher.

Posted: **Fri Jun 15, 2018 10:00 am**

DRIFTWOOD TO THE FACE!

Posted: **Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:22 pm**

Oh no, the stench of your driftwood attracts a thousand enraged sea gulls. I helpfully point them in your direction... using extra ellipsis dots.

Posted: **Fri Jun 15, 2018 6:26 pm**

I throw your dang ellipses at you! THERE IS A PLENTIFUL SUPPLY OF OVERUSED ELLIPSES!

Posted: **Sat Jun 16, 2018 12:49 am**

Not feeling too creative... Let's just release a zombie plague upon you all.

Posted: **Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:04 am**

Fortunately, my katana will now come in handy! After destroying some zombies I punch you!

Posted: **Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:48 am**

Excessive use of ellipsis periods has allowed me to store up tons of commas which I dump on everybody; resulting you all being swept away into a grammatical fire pit;

However, I'm now low on commas and periods so, until the next shipment arrives, I'm stuck with semi-colons:::

Posted: **Sat Jun 16, 2018 12:14 pm**

your grammatical atrocities offend so many people you get deported off earth into deep space.

In a shipping container.

that may not entirely be air tight.

how long can you hold your breath?

Posted: **Sat Jun 16, 2018 10:42 pm**

Unfortunately everyone on earth has gotten fed up with your totally awesome ways of destroying your foes... and the earth... several times.

They decide to public ally execute you-

-r sick new moves!

In a tar pit.

Posted: **Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:46 am**

ungrateful little pests...

*snaps her fingers and disappears in a flash, a millisecond before the entire universe gets compacted down into a single infinitely dense atom that subsequently explodes and restarts everything.*

Posted: **Sun Jun 17, 2018 9:17 am**

I staple toilet paper to your ears.

Posted: **Sun Jun 17, 2018 12:11 pm**

I take out your kneecaps with a baseball bat.

Posted: **Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:01 pm**

I stuff you into a tube and seal both ends.

Posted: **Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:08 pm**

I bounce the tube off your head, knocking you flat.

Posted: **Sun Jun 17, 2018 4:26 pm**

I throw a half crazed, starving weasel at you!

Posted: **Mon Jun 18, 2018 10:30 am**

SUMMON THE KRAKEN !!

Posted: **Mon Jun 18, 2018 12:48 pm**

I summon a swarm of pelicans to eat your kraken!

Posted: **Mon Jun 18, 2018 1:24 pm**

I call forth a mob of EPA investigators who bury you in a blizzard of court citations for inciting an ornithological riot, littering the beach, violating the endangered species act, endangering the violated species act, acting the species violated endangerment, and breaking the rule against feeding the wildlife...

Posted: **Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:52 pm**

You can't prove anything! I shoot you in the leg and run!

Posted: **Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:07 pm**

Your running panicked prey behavior attracts the kraken, your pelicans, and a legion of deranged sunscreen basted tourists with tragically lethal consequences for you. Oh, and your estate still has to pay all the EPA fines.

Housepets!

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