Housepets!

“An iPhone with googly eyes would be absolutely unstoppable. It would hold the sum of all human knowledge within. It doesn’t need to eat. Or sleep. It’s unstoppable.”

Cactus juice; it'll quench ya. It's the quenchiest!

"Burn the flowerbeds, there might be money underneath!"

"Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it?!"

"And after you poured squid stew in to the crankcase, what did you do?"

"Gotham's fate lies in the hands of an emotionally-distraught, drunken ex-Arkham inmate pursuing his violent ex-girlfriend...I might need a Plan B."

“They no longer fear the stoplight. Nothing is sacred anymore.”

"A direction that can only be described as totally _______ cat stan as you put sunglasses on an owl so you can use it to fight a giant rat."

“I see no issue with dogs shooting mercenaries or hacking highly reinforced prisons.”

"The Arc Conspiracy"

"If life hands you lemons, squash 'em!"

“Be the part-robot drug-smuggling warlord of your dreams!”

“Oh god, Unicron has his sights set on Sesame Street! Someone save Big Bird!“

and i do believe they give you half a second to run your sorry but up next so someone. i wouldn't quote me on that though.

“Terrorists aren’t just guys with guns anymore, everyone needs a gimmick now. Sometimes you’re going to have to fight ninjas, or Olympic gold medalists, or your evil clone-dad. It’s all part of the job.”
“AN ACTUAL VAMPIRE WANTS TO KILL ME!!”

"Everyone knew the robots were taking over but who knew they'd be stupid and inept?"

(these are tangentially related)

"i did not expect the apocalypse to be this fuzzy."

- - - - -

"I would like to state for the record that I am not now, nor have ever been, a vampire. I have also never gotten someone drunk in an effort to seduce them and steal their money. I have, however, eaten the occasional sandwich. They re delicious."

- - - - -

"Ooh, X.P. chance? ... NOPE."

"Wait!"

"There are so many reasons this isn't whatever it looks like!"

- - - - -

"did you just summon a magic _____?"

"... No."

- - - - -

"Yeah that's not gonna help either. Atleast I didn't tear my clothes..."

- - - - -

"As an anti-existentialist inverse solipsist, I object to this. I believe that I am made up but that everything else is real."

- - - - -

"The last time i left town i spontaneously created another human being."

“The amazing thing about Steve Buscemi is that he works as the anthropomorphisation of literally any household object.“

"Sooo.... i accidentally have a pet alligator turtle now..."

"Akkadian is not a dead language, just everyone who spoke it is."

“Generate electricity to open the doors to progress by catering to a small child’s insatiable bloodlust” is not something I expected to do in KH3.

How did you come up with the theme 'only one'? My head is very shiny.

“If there was a werewolf in your neighborhood, they’d be that family of 10 kids always roughhousing outside and their house is the one all the neighborhood kids go to hang out at because Mr. Werewolf and Mrs. Werewolf are the Cool Parents that their kids find really embarrassing. ”

""I was bored" does not adequately explain why you felt the need to conquer Hell."

“Because a Predator mask and giant back knives are essential for controlling your psychic powers.”

“YOU CAN'T WASTE A CLOWN SCORPION!”

I know triple posting might be pushing it, but just take a look at this majesty.
“As I was framed by seven tigers using airborne land mines as stepping stones in the sky, the explosions increased my speed and carried me to the waiting helicopter on literal wings of flame, as my billowing cape burned away.”

"I was innocent, so i was running around hitting people with a crowbar."

“Dog heaven is also squirrel hell. It’s a very efficient system.”

Not sure if I posted this before,
"We haven't had this much trouble with a Mortal Combat Visa holder in a long time.

“Please take moment to imagine you are some normal god-fearing catholic who has decided to visit little bobby or maybe patricia at college and you’re all going to church together like a nice family and this absolute madman has decided to go all Silence of the Lambs on mass and now there’s some sort of underfed translucently pale man in ill-fitting Roman armor and cape flying at a horrifying glutinous effigy of your lord and savior, with an actual spear, screaming like a madman. Don’t you feel yourself drawing closer to God already? Defensively, perhaps, like an octopus trying to ooze itself into a crevice against the horrors of the ocean.”

“So you’re going to shove a hand into the flesh abomination”
“Why confine myself to just a hand, when I can stick in a whole arm?”

"We've lost! Quick, eat the children!"

"No more executions today. It's bad for your blood pressure."

The fight had been raging for a while now, turning the battlefield into equal parts artillery range and Bollywood musical.

...that sounds almost like Douglas Adams. I swear I've heard it somewhere else but I don't remember where.
Probably was someone else quoting it on some other board or IRL.

Eh, hang on, I got one:
"Vampires are dead. That’s why they’re just food. If they were alive, they’d be better for testing pharmaceutical products on."
...and from the very next paragraph:
"You should only eat free range peanut butter. That’s more humane."

“Praise the Danny DeVito shrine.”

He worried about air. Neither he nor Akki had suits. It was hard, trying to breathe vacuum.

"AAAHHH! Not in the face!"

… and that's why we don't let you watch after 8:00 pm!