The Diary of Homer

What do you call a fic that's not a fic

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dryideabat
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The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

I've been hanging onto this for some time now, as I developed/wrote it concurrently with Homer's design in my other fanfic (The Not-So Dynamic Duo). The illegible book that was confiscated off of them is actually a "diary" of each of their individual accounts, covering their accent to becoming demi-gods and their subsequent punishment. I was hesitant to ever post this for I wanted Homer's origin(s) to remain a mystery... Then again, since this belonged to Homer, this might be all made up just to troll with us.
Anyway, their true names in this journal (which is in 3 parts) have all been conveniently smeared, such that the lion, goat, and snake will all be simply referred to as L, G, and S respectively (too lazy to come up with names). Their stories all intertwine throughout... and ultimately hint at their true plan. Let's start with L the Lion's story.

=================================================================================================
PART 1.1: L
Entry 1:
I’m not sure what possessed me to do this, but I’m doing it any way... I mean, hey, sometimes the best things start from the most random impulses, right? At least keeping a journal will let me jot down all of my brilliant ideas as they come while reflecting upon life. I’m sure G wouldn’t agree with me... but maybe S would. I’ll run this by them later to see if it catches on.

Anyway, to get the introductions out of the way (for anyone who might be reading this... S), my name is L. I live in the vast sun-drenched savanna of Emerald Mane with the proudest pride ever known... Proudest pride... yeah that sounds right. We have ruled these lands for generations, dating back to the emergence of our great ancestors. Actually, the exact story of our ancestry varies with the elder telling it, though almost all speak of a giant sky-colored creature descending from the heavens and lithifying the first of us from fire and earth. Our current leader, King Fierious, holds ceremonies each sunrise in which everyone honors this mythical beast through song and dance.

Well, I’m entering my teenage years and am currently readying myself for the big test next week: the first hunt. I know I’m smaller than most lions; a bit of a late-bloomer I suppose. Heck, my mane hasn’t even started to grow in yet. But surely I can more than compensate for it with my heart. Determination, combined with guile and innovation, can overcome any challenge... At least that’s what my uncle told me before he plummeted attempting to traverse the Great Chasm. He tried to fly across using makeshift wings he built from leaves. Bless his blind ambition.


Entry 2:
No one knows of my friendship with G and S, and I mean to keep it that way. Obviously, having the pride learn that I’m friends with a goat and a snake would be my undoing. I’m not that well-liked here to begin with, so why give them an excuse? No, I don’t see anything wrong with having them as friends, but no amount of sound reasoning or justification could get my pride to change its views on “never playing with food.” I swear, sometimes they can be stubborn as goats... Not that there’s anything wrong with that... So long as you are a goat.

But yeah, my friends and I go way back; almost a year ago. The circumstances that sparked our friendship were nothing short of poetic. Here’s how it started: one day, I attempted to liven the mood at King Fierious’s birthday party by tossing a hornet’s nest into the crowd. How was I supposed to know hornets don’t make honey? I thought it’d be a new thing where we take turns swiping at it blind-folded until one of us breaks it open and eats the delectable goodies inside. Well, sufficed to say that I received my share of lumps that day.

Angered and ashamed, I ran away from home the next morning. While passing through a field, I kicked a few rocks to ease my frustration... accidentally hitting a herd of rhinos. Just one of those days I guess. The enraged behemoths stampeded after me down a canyon. Fortunately, an avalanche of boulders came crashing down behind me, halting their advance just as I had tripped.
When the dust cleared, I saw a goat slowly limping back upright, marveling at his work. True, the avalanche could have crushed me instead had I been a few steps back... but whatever. With how it ultimately played out, I am forever indebted to him. His name was G and after just a few minutes talking with him I knew we were great friends.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, the stampede had crushed a pack of buzzards and hyenas cornering S in the canyon... save but one. On our way back, this lone survivor ambushed G from out of the rubble, only to be bit by S in... a very sensitive area. Thus the circle was complete and we were all friends indebted to one another.

Anyway, I have to get going as the tests are beginning this afternoon. Wishing myself luck.


Entry 3:
Well, things did not play out quite as I had wanted. I did not pass the test. In fact, the judges said I had the worst performance of any lion in our pride’s history; that even if my target was at death’s door and had every intention of being eaten to the point of placing its neck in my mouth, I’d still fail. Apparently I’m a little short-winded and can’t really run that fast, though I’d say the particular antelope I was assigned was really a cheetah in disguise. I’ve never seen a creature just bolt off like that, prior to me even stepping paw onto the field. It had a wild look on its face, almost as if it were in pain. Anyway, coupled with my physique being “not strong enough to take down a butterfly” in the strength test, it wasn’t meant to be.

Now comes the most humiliating part: having to ask for handouts like some cub. Fortunately, my aunt still cares enough to let me have some of her food. However, the looks of shame from the rest of my pride make it nearly impossible to eat it. Their angry stares make me feel ashamed to even be alive, much less call myself a lion... How can this get any worse?


Entry 4:
It’s worse. Drought has overtaken all of Emerald Mane. It’s been two months without a single drop of rain and food has become extremely scarce. Even the flies have given-up and left. Tensions in the pride are high enough to split the hide of a crocodile. It’s now to the point that I fear a rebellion may be in order... but I didn’t say that.

On that note, King Fierious is doing his best to make the rain return; doubling the number of dancers each morning. I was selected to participate yesterday, but ended up stomping on the paw of this other dancer... Hey, he kept “accidentally” slapping me with his tail! In turn, I received a black eye for my troubles. Oh well, maybe my sacrifice of blood (and entertainment) to the sky guardian will be enough for it to bestow its nourishing bounty of tears upon us... Tears of laughter probably.

On that note, I recently heard another tale about a challenge declared by the sky guardian ages ago. The story goes that a massive mountain out east glowed blue and green for seven days, growing ever taller. Then, a stone pillar descended from the sky and landed at the base. The pillar reads, “He who climbs this mighty heap shall be declared a god.” No one in my pride has yet to even see this mountain, for it is really far away, but I seem to be the only one a tad skeptical about the whole thing. It sounds more like something G would tell to a bothersome kid to make him go away.


Entry 5:
Sheesh, when it rains it pours... Oh wait.

With the scarcity, begging for a scrap of meat is nigh impossible, even from my aunt. She, herself, is looking thin and needs every bit she can get. I thus resorted to a trick I learned from S to survive. He gave me this flat rounded pebble with a slash on one side and a white splotch on the other. I wager a fellow lion a piece of meat over which side the pebble will land on when I toss it. I’d say, “Splotch, I win; slash, you lose.” It actually worked for a while, until someone finally caught on and told the king. Since then, I haven’t had so much as a bone thrown my way.

Even S and G are finding it difficult to get by now; especially S with birds constantly chasing after him on his own trips for food. G can at least live off withered shoots and so forth, though even he’s starting to look a little malnourished. As a result, we’ve been unable to enjoy each other’s company nearly as often... though with my stomach now aching as it is that might be a good thing...
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Saturn381 »

Great job, dryideabat!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Obbl »

Interesting to see the Lion as not a completely chaotic entity (though chaos certainly seems to follow him wherever he goes). :)
I really like character development, so this should be right up my alley :D
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

Really nice job on this dryideabat! I love how this has come out!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by The-J-Man »

Yes! I love me an upbringing story
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dryideabat
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

Thanks everyone. I have this pretty much all written out but am now debating how to present it. As oppose to first finishing all of L the Lion's accounts, I'll shift between overlapping parts from each of the three going L-G-S. Here's G the Goat's diary entries, written concurrently with L's in a different book (let's just say their 3 diaries fused along with their bodies).


=================================================================================================
Part 1.2: G
Entry 1:
I think this idea is stupid and I don’t know how L convinced me to try it... Whatever.

I’m G: the last sensible creature on this planet. I would give my back story and all but since this is a personal log for me alone, why repeat what I already know? Why assume anyone else should even care if they did stumble across this?
No, I say focus on the here and now. But then again this will probably be one of those things where I repeatedly refer to past events, eventually revealing my history in full anyway... I hate stories like that.

Now where was I? Oh yes, the here and now. Being a goat is not without its perks... Today, I climbed up that hill on the other side of the field... I ate some grass... Okay, I’ll say it; I’m bored and cranky as hell. It’s aggravating being dull as every other goat... yet somehow being mocked by them for it.


Entry 2:
...Not to come off as being all mushy, but L and S are the only ones who get me and in turn are the only ones I can stand... usually. They can at least appreciate a good prank now and then. For that matter, having them as friends distinguishes me from the other goats.

How we all met is a bit messed up. A year or so ago, I needed to get across a canyon and didn’t want to walk all the way around. So I knocked over a tall boulder to make a bridge. Unfortunately, it gave way the moment I stepped on it... I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that clover earlier. I rode atop the rocks all the way to the bottom, which blocked a stampede of rhinos from trampling L.

Now, while lions have a sweet tooth for our kind, I could tell something was different about L, aside from being a bit on the small side. He full-heartedly thanked me- without grossly overdoing it like so many others- rather than taking the opportunity to rip my throat out. We had a pretty decent talk afterwards about how to make itching powder... I don’t remember what led the conversation to this, but it was instantly clear that he was okay for a lion.

The same couldn’t be said for Shakka: a thug of the savanna. The laughable excuse for a hyena had been targeting me for some time, on account of me calling him overrated out loud. By dumb luck, he happened to be in the canyon and attacked me right when L was a few steps too far to help. But S intercepted him mid-flight with a well-placed bite. YES!!! I can still hear his ensuing soprano; more beautiful than an angelic choir!
Okay, that’s all for now... FYI, writing this with hooves is a major pain.


Entry 3:
I can’t stand the rest of my species, especially the younglings. They all have this sense of entitlement to everything and rudely step in your way to eat the grass right from under you. All the while, their parents stand back and chatter away without even noticing when I shove mud in the little one’s faces.
But despite my disdain toward my own kind, I’d like to accomplish something to be remembered for (mostly to rub it in their faces) and have some sort of a legacy. Then again, having them all crowd in admiration around me would probably be unbearable...

...Also, deep-down, I kind of, maybe, sort of feel that... I don’t want to die alone. Okay, I’ll be perfectly honest with myself; I’d really like to find love. Such a thing must exist, going even deeper than what I have with S and L. Maybe- and I emphasize maybe- I’ll find a goat who gets me and raise children who aren’t obnoxious little brats. They would carry on my name and make this world less crappy. But the only goat I know who is even remotely tolerable is Mena... She at least has a nice laugh and is not hard to look at. It’s just her contentedness with “sitting back to smell the roses” all day that drives me crazy.

So what to do, what to do? Argh!! Indecisiveness drives me crazy! It always has. I guess I can thank my father for that. He always would pretend that you have a choice- whether you wanted to eat clover or roots, go to the meadow or river- only knowing that you were too timid to decide and thus choosing for you. I think parents love doing that. It certainly drove my brother mad. He ran away shortly before our parents broke up... See?!- I told you. My life story, gaw! Whatever...

But maybe while being with Mena I can change her views and get her to see things as I do. The only question is how do I first get noticed by her? How do I distinguish myself from the countless slack jawed gentlegoat callers following her around? She seemed interested in this gaudy-looking blossom on the side of a cliff. Not sure what’s so special about it, unless it tastes good or something. It hasn’t even bloomed yet. But whatever, I’ll look into it more before I conclude that she’s not worth it...

Probably shouldn’t tell my pals about all of this, but who are they to judge?


Entry 4:
Why won’t it freakin’ rain?! The waterhole is almost completely gone! Thus, my herd has given priority to the elderly and... younglings! Freakin’ ridiculous! And it’s hot enough that I thought I saw a butterfly burst into flames!

I’m not a very picky eater, so I can make do with the dried roughage that’s left. Speaking of which, it turns out that Mena’s beloved blossom is “super rare.” It supposedly is the last of its kind and only blooms after 50 years before wilting in a matter of minutes. If you pick it within that brief period, the blossom never dries and emits the richest aroma... Big deal! You know, just because something’s rare doesn’t automatically make it important or great! And something with that sort of flawed design does not sound like it’s meant to survive... just like L... Nah, that was kind of mean. Blame the heat!

Okay yeah, while L may not be the most fit, I can’t see him not being able to catch a stinkin’ antelope. Sure they’re fast, but they’re also very cocky and dumb, enough that he should have easily been able to trick one into a corner... unless it was all fixed. Yeah, he’s not exactly liked in his pride, so I wouldn’t put it past them to rig his trial somehow.

S keeps saying that we should move on north, following the rain. But I’m inclined to wait this one out... I dunno. As unbearable as this place is- namely its residents- it’s the only place I know. I really don’t feel like leaving just yet; at least not until I’m certain that the inhabitants further north are not even more aggravating... It’s possible.

Anyway, I’m going to ignore that blossom for a while and just focus on staying alive with the stuff I have now. Mena and the whole legacy business will have to hold off until normalcy returns.


Entry 5:
Still hot and dry as **muffins**...
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

I love my muffins hot and dry! xD

Seriously though, I really like the update.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by The-J-Man »

I think I'm beginning to understand this trio...
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

Now it's S the Snake's turn.


=================================================================================================
PART 1.3: S
Entry 1:
I must credit L for suggesting this wonderful idea. It’s only embarrassing that I hadn’t thought of it first. Indeed, I have many innovative thoughts that I can scarcely keep track of in spite of my versatile mind. Furthermore, I am one for posterity, given how one may make better use of an old theory upon revisiting it with renewed knowledge and objectivity. Learning from the past will be one of the keys for the advancement of the world, as one species will inevitably build upon it to rise above all others and accomplish currently impossible feats.

But before I start to ramble, my name is S. Aside from fraternizing with G and L, I live alone, as many serpents do, on the northern fringes of the savannah under lion rule. To my north are lusher more temperate lands, where G and his Bovidae kind thrive.

My species is among the oldest, yet I feel the most ahead of my time. It’s probably personal bias, but my ideas, namely my inventions, must be several millennia ahead of anything else in this world. They certainly distinguish me from a race that has changed very little for millions of years and will probably remain more or less the same for millions more.

For example, I recently constructed a series of meticulously placed catapults in the trees to propel myself great distances in short periods of times. The simplicity of their architecture precludes the need for hands. I also made a series of pellets which emit a malodourous gas when ruptured. They are perfect for eluding predators... and providing entertainment when thrown into an unsuspecting crowd. Yes, above all else, one must always assign some time toward levity.

I always carry three bombs in a pouch, which I stitched together and strapped to my person. However, this is something that others of my kind see as “black magic,” and have ridiculed me for it. They say I have “evil” unnatural knowledge. I am thereby doubtful that my race will be the one to reach the pinnacle of this world. Perhaps such a luxury is reserved for but a handful of individuals.


Entry 2:
Birds: the only other species I know to rival my kind in age throughout the evolution of creation. They are the bane of my existence, especially secretary birds. Naturally, I can outwit them all, but secretary birds in particular are remarkably tenacious creatures with a lethal kick.

However, it’s partially thanks to one that I met L and G. Approximately 365 days ago, I enlisted the help of hyenas to deter several large raptors that were roosting over my usual hunting ground. It was near the mouth of Fates Canyon; a conveniently apropos name if only I could indulge in such a thing. In exchange, I would give them three eggs. Just before they met me at the entrance, their boss, Shakka, demanded payment in advance. Unfortunately, in my haste, I had accidentally placed the stink bombs in my pouch instead... Needless to say what happened when he sampled one.

The chase ensued, now with birds and hyenas rushing after me. I slithered into a crack in the canyon to elude them, though realized that would only buy a few moments. Fortunately, L had triggered a stampede that scattered and trampled the posy before they could find me. Only Shakka managed to evade it, diving behind a pile of rocks at the last second. I waited for him to go away, but then I heard L and G approaching. His eyes gleamed as he turned his attention toward G. This was my opportunity to flee, but then I figured that I might as well try to take him down right there, given that he would inevitably come looking for me afterwards. On an impulse, I darted out and bit him just as he bounded. Where I bit him... well let’s just say that I’d rather have bitten down on two of my stink bombs. But at least I saved G and since then all three of us have been the best of friends.

On a separate note, my recent attempt to preserve meat was unsuccessful, but revealed how to make a very potent substance... It’s a powder, derived from choice plant extracts, that stimulates the taste buds in such a way to give the sensation of burning. To pass the time, I sprinkled a small sample on a common grazing field and studied the results. So far, no one has sampled it, but give it time.


Entry 3:
The skies are perfectly clear and light winds continue to blow from the arid lands to the northeast. This pattern has persisted for the last 62 days, in spite of it now being the typical peak of the wet season. Based on past experiences and recorded proxies, I fear that this may remain in place for some time; the onset of a major drought. I’ve tried to stock up on provisions in anticipation, but my efforts have been flustered by a multitude of birds. They ate most of the rodents and are still hungry.

Reinforcing my trepidation, the swamps and caves in which I’ve been gathering the materials for my stink bombs have begun to dry up. Thus, I will have to be extra cautious when treading out in the open... Perhaps when L becomes a respectable feared hunter later today upon passing his pride’s trails, he’ll be able to provide me with all the protection I’ll ever need.


Entry 4:
I really hate being right sometimes. I do not know how long this drought will persist, though I have reasons to believe that there have been droughts in the past spanning over many years. I’m tempted to head further northeast past the great deserts. However, the hawks and countless other ornithological menaces remain perched over that region; almost as if they are waiting just for me...

Also, sentiment forbids me from abandoning my only two friends in this world. It’s too bad that L’s pride is so insistent that their deity will return prosperity. I’m not sure why G refuses other than just plain stubbornness inherent to all goats... not that there’s anything wrong with that. Hence, I will likely remain here until my hunger finally overrides my sense of self-preservation and loyalty.


Entry 5:
I attempted to build a subterranean irrigation system to divert the available groundwater to the fields. With the rest of my kind nowhere to be found, I resorted to seeking the help of moles. Such fascinating creatures they are. However, in their famished states, they mistook me for a giant worm and proceeded to gnaw on my tail. I had to use the last of my stink bombs to escape.

Yet again, my day would not be complete without some avian pest trying to eat me. I was grabbed by a hawk the very second I slithered up from the burrow. However, her victory was short-lived, as another even larger bird (I’m guessing an eagle), intercepted me from her grasp. In the thief’s incredible hubris, he did not watch where he was flying and smacked full-force into the side of a cliff. Luckily, it wasn’t that long of a fall down and I managed to escape unharmed.

It’s quite remarkable how things play out sometimes; how various probabilities sum up in just the correct manner for a particular event to occur. Perhaps we’re all at the mercy of probability- of chaos- and just have to wait until the winds blow in our favor... However, I prefer to change the wind myself. It all starts with better understanding it.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Saturn381 »

Great job, dryideabat!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

Really nice job on this! It came out good!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

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Man. S really is too smart for his own good
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

=================================================================================================
Part 2.1: L

Entry 6:
Out with the old and in with the new! King Fierious has been dethroned! Now begins the reign of King Lord-Panthera-Leo... And no, we can’t call him King Leo for short, on penalty of death. He’s made some pretty robust promises; claiming to have climbed the divine mountain and thus having the power of a god. I might be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt if only he didn’t look so... round. Seriously, with the way he waddles around, I do not see how he could have climbed an ant hill, much less a mountain. But sure enough, shortly after his rise to the throne, the first clouds in a long time appeared on the horizon... though I’m pretty sure that it was smoke from a brush fire.

However, as prosperity takes time to settle in, tensions in the pride are still high and patrols for food/rivals ceaselessly roam the perimeter. I think G tried to visit me last night, but had a close encounter with one of these patrols. I only heard the commotion from afar- punctuated by a familiar expletive. I rushed back to discover that a goat had narrowly escaped their claws, but not before receiving a gash to the thigh. I snuck out to look for him earlier this afternoon, but never found a trace. I hope it was just some other goat with the same vocabulary.

In any case... I’m in the mood for a good prank and am tempted to get back at that hunting party, even if they were just doing their job. I’ll probably keep it simple and harmless... doing something involving itching powder.


Entry 7:
The first rains have at last come back and life is returning to Emerald Mane. And it’s all thanks to our new great leader, now called King Warfang-Lord-Panthera-Leo... Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Moments ago, I spotted a stray rhino grazing in the recovering prairie. It was the first one to appear in a great while since the start of the drought. I never realized how majestic they looked. The very earth trembled beneath the giant’s mighty hooves with each step. Its horn sheened brilliantly in the light of the morning sun... Feeling nostalgic, I hurled a rock at it, though making sure it didn’t see me. The hulking brute blindly charged in the wrong direction, eventually ramming horn-first into the side of a cave.

Neither S nor I have seen or heard from G yet. I’m still hoping that he’s alive.


Entry 8:
Over the past month, things have become so prosperous that King Pant (that’s what I’ve been calling him in my head, on account that he pants a lot) has done the impossible and gotten even larger, though no one dares to mention it. He never participates in the hunts anymore, not that he ever did much the few times he joined.

We talked once face-to-face and, yeah, he really is quite high on himself; legitimately believing that he is a god and that he restored the land with his greatness. At least he didn’t criticize my lack of participation. He merely shrugged his shoulders over the matter and yawned, “Hey, no big deal- you’re good for it.” Maybe he understands that I’m more of a thinker than a hunter. Maybe he sees my true potential to serve the pride in other ways and will make me his advisor or something. Oh well, that was weeks ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.


Entry 9:
We finally saw G the other day and he seems fine, albeit limping a little. However, he also seemed awfully cranky... well, even for him. We all had some fun later that day adding spices to his herd’s favorite grazing spot. Yet, even after laughing ourselves silly watching them scramble in all directions, there was still something else bothering him. He wouldn’t tell us what it was, though I have a suspicion that it may have to do with his injury. I hope he isn’t blaming me for it.

Come to think of it, I thought I saw that same antelope I failed to capture. It was just moments prior to the disarray, but I swear that I saw him caressing one of the goats wearing a flower. I suppose it’s not important now, though. It probably was just my imagination.

On a more personal note, my mane has started to grow in. I finally noticed it yesterday. It’s merely a tuft atop of my head, but it’s growing. I guess everything’s finally looking up for me!


Entry 10:
Well, it turns out that King Pant (now demanding to be called King Ultra-Awesome-Warfang-Lord-Panthera-Leo) was under the misconception that I was female... Female! That bloated, self-absorbed ignoramus! What, has he grown so fat that his own flab blocks his vision?! Okay, I could perhaps justify his mistake given my lack of mane when we met, but did he not hear my masculine voice?... Okay, even that is still a bit ambiguous, but surely a king should know all of his subjects to at least that level of detail!

He is currently deliberating my fate, saying that he sees me as a potential problem given my history of mischief. Rather, he’s embarrassed over his error and is trying to cover it up. I may very well be banished for this. At least if that happens I’ll no longer be a burden to my aunt. I’ll never have to deal with the awkward stares or have to bow to that pretentious fat fathead. Regardless of the verdict, I’m probably never going to hear the end of it from G and S, but then again I too would find it hysterical had this happened to anyone else.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

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Nice job, dryideabat.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

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there is nothing more humiliating than being considered female and not even getting an apology...
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

Did Peanut ever apologize to Grape about thinking she was his brother?
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

Come now, who couldn't forgive Peanut for such a mistake? And I'm pretty sure, in spite of Peanut being Peanut, an apology sometime afterwards was implied.

=================================================================================================
Part 2.2: G

Entry 6:
This is what I get for trying to be a good friend. On my way to see L, I was jumped by his pride’s goon squad. One of them took a bite out of my butt, but I kicked my way out before the others could finish me. I lost them in a thicket... and as I fled, I thought I spotted L watching from behind a rock. Our eyes only met for a second as I bolted by, but I was certain it was him. Was he just standing there the whole time, too scared to come and help me?! Or was this all a prank, which at least I could respect?

Whatever the case, forget him. I’m not going back there for a while. If he wants to see me, he can look for me. Likewise with S, being all caught up in his projects and all. I can only imagine what wacky idea he’s tinkering with now. That watering device he kept jabbering about sounded as elaborate as his last idea: a network of rat-catching clamps... How the hell did he even make them? He has no hands. All I remember is the look on his face when I set one off on his tail. Priceless.


Entry 7:
Finally, rain! But go freakin’ figure that normalcy would return when I’m too injured to enjoy it. I’ve shut myself away so as to heal without annoyances or the risk of another carni attack. The following nights after my last encounter definitely had me thinking about the whole legacy thing again (call it post-traumatic stress syndrome or whatever the hell S called it). I could have died... and would have had absolutely nothing to show for it! I would have forever been branded a nobody.

I guess as soon as this wound heals a bit more, I’ll try and get that stupid flower, which somehow survived the drought. It now looks like it’s almost ready to bloom. Let’s just hope that Mena likes it... or more importantly that I don’t die trying to grab it.


Entry 8:
Son of a **charming young Duchess**! I finally got off my restored rump and went to pick the stupid thing, only to find that someone beat me to it, and only minutes before I got there! It was a freakin’ antelope, who then proceeded to give it to Mena! And, wouldn’t you know, she fell right for him! He’s not even a goat so how the hell is that even going to work?! What, are they going to have, half-goat-half-antelope babies; ante-goats?!

But I’m not going to get mad this time... I’m not going to blame anyone, not even L, as this time I’m done. I don’t care. Forget legacy, forget Mena, and forget L and S. I’m getting out of this place tomorrow...

Something just lobbed itself into the tree overhead... It looks like a stick with a narrow tip or something. Yeah, I’m definitely leaving this freak show first thing after I wake up. I’m freakin’ pooped.


Entry 9:
...Just as I was about to leave, L and S found me... It turns out that that stick belonged to S; another one of his crazy toys. I barely recognized them, narrowly holding back a “go play in the quicksand” from slipping out. It had been a long while since we last got together... and despite being run a marathon, I’ll confess that I was just a tiny bit happy to see them again.

L apologized for his pride biting me, but wouldn’t admit that he was hiding behind that rock. I’m not going to call him on it, as it really doesn’t matter I suppose, but still. Just saying...

Later, we got back at Mena, her antelope lover, and all the other jerks with a little bit of S’s super spice. He made me try some and geez is that stuff brutal. It’s like letting fire ants bite your tongue!.. or just setting your tongue on fire. Oh I’ll get him back for that...

Needless to say, she and the others found it just as painful and ran every which way. Yes sir, Mena certainly never looked hotter... But for whatever reason I wasn’t as happy as I thought I’d be. It’s strange... It can’t be that I feel bad for her, could it? Or could it be that I’ve seen every prank by now to the point of boredom?... I’ll stick with that one.

Entry 10:
...Nah I got nothing.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by The-J-Man »

You really have to take these guy's upbringing into account when you judge them
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

I am really enjoying exactly where this is gong so far! Its coming out nicely!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

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=================================================================================================
Part 2.3: S

Entry 6:
My second attempt to create an irrigation system resulted in an explosion. I was digging and my shovel must have ignited a methane pocket. It’s remarkable that I’m alive, as the blast launched me hundreds of feet into the air like a reverse meteor. I was then (yet again) somehow captured by a hawk in mid-flight. He must have been flying at an incredible velocity, as he dropped me into the ocean by the time he was burnt by my red-hot hide. I awoke on the beach, mildly cooked but alive and well... What are the odds? I’d say 1-in-102,089,036... give or take 20 million.


Entry 7:
My new efforts to construct an irrigation system- this time extending from the ocean- have again been thwarted by calamity. The winds rapidly intensified in advance of a massive storm system coming from the ocean, decimating my work. However, I suppose it’s now all a moot point as persistent monsoonal rains have finally returned to break the drought... At least I wasn’t attacked by a raptor... Oh, good, I’m not being carried off.

King Pant, as L calls him, is a classic example of how some will believe just about anything when desperate enough. I am privy to the mountain he allegedly climbed to gain his “divine power”. If what he claims is true regarding his trip to heaven (permitting such a place to exist), then it mustn’t be too high in altitude, for the conditions beyond the first several kilometers would claim most creatures. The exponential decrease in air density, the low temperatures, and harsh upper-level winds are certainly too much for a lion, much less for someone of Pant’s physique...

Meanwhile, the end of the drought can certainly be better explained by other mechanisms besides divine magic. It’s even more plausible that the lion’s dancing ritual indirectly caused the rain via the subtle, nigh negligible, perturbation of moisture and momentum, modulating the environment just enough to break the threshold required for precipitation. Alternately, I can even say that the ash and particulates from the explosion and subsequent fire I triggered served to enhance cloud formation and hence the rainfall.

It’s moments of gullibility like this that make me wonder how lions are revered as “kings of the beasts.” They’re not even the largest or strongest of terrestrial carnivores of this period. Regardless, I have far more pressing matters to fluster myself over. My defenses are running low, so I’ll have to start crafting again.


Entry 8:
I’ve finally developed a weapon that can fire spears at airborne foes. I performed a bench test and the tension in the spring is sufficient to hurl the projectile some 200 meters... The only problem is that I fired my only spear. I cannot make more, given that the cave I’ve been exhuming my supplies from has collapsed. I’ll go search for it with L first thing tomorrow. Afterwards, we’ll probably look for G once more, though I’m starting to accept the probability that he’s dead.


Entry 9:
In searching for my spear, we were reunited with G (I owe L 2 rats). With all considering, he looked well. To commemorate the occasion, we dealt with a thorn in G’s side: his herd. It has been a decent while since the three of us executed such a gratifying stunt. I’m glad that I upgraded my zesty concoction. G didn’t listen to me when I told him not to try it... but I’m not complaining.
Strange though, G seemed less pleased after watching his acquaintances ingest it. I gue-

Okay, G nearly sent me into cardiac arrest. He dangled a bird carcass overhead, making it look like it was alive and swooping down for me. I commend him for a job well done. Surely this means that he’s just fine.


Entry 10:
During my recent mad dash for supplies, I met the former king, Fierious, out in the wastelands... I never really cared much for him. He looked extremely emaciated, as if he hadn’t eaten since his expulsion from the pride. I readied my shovel in anticipation that he would try to eat me (...yes, on hindsight, I realize that it probably wouldn’t have done much), but he merely nodded in my direction before walking away. Compelled by curiosity, I followed him to an oasis and carefully slithered up next to him as he drank. Again, he looked at me, but showed no intention of inflicting harm. In fact, after an awkwardly quiescent minute, he started to talk to me.

Evidently he is aware that G and I are friends with L, though he had only discovered the fact sometime after he was ousted. He did not seem to care all that much of the idea, as he was more concentrated on his own fate at this point. He had just come back from trying to climb the mountain in search for answers, but was forced to turn back before reaching the top. However, he did not return empty, for he had grabbed a rock from around the point where the winds were too strong. Unsure as to why he was carrying it anymore, he gave it to me and said to never lose hope. He then slowly walked away into the desert and vanished... Hopefully he doesn’t notice the “kick me” sign I adhered to his posterior...
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by The-J-Man »

oh now thats cold S.
you dont kick a man while he's down...its a simple rule
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Saturn381 »

Great job, dryideabat!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

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The-J-Man wrote:oh now thats cold S.
you dont kick a man while he's down...its a simple rule
...Looking back at it now, that was a little too mean/unjustified, even for him. Granted, he is cold blooded... and can't exactly kick (*bricked*).
But yeah, considering nothing too bad has happened to him relative to the other 2 and Fierious didn't exactly do anything to him directly... I might change that last little detail (at least make it an accident... eg. he gave him a bird's egg... at least he thought it was one and not a stink bomb.)
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

What a very delightful chapter that you posted! Nice job on how it came out!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

I don't know; on third thought, I think I'll leave the last part as is after all (mostly because I feel kind of funny/awkward editing it for some reason). I guess his prank toward Fierious makes S the worse one of the group. Then again, as far as he knows, Fierious rigged his friend's hunting trial way back (despite the clues I left suggesting otherwise).


======================================================================================================
Part 3.1: L
Entry 11:
Well, I’ve officially been banished and am now sifting through the wastelands for sustenance. Logs have become my friends, harboring various insects, worms, and other slimy crunchy goodies. They may be a bit rough going down, but are otherwise adequate... Who am I kidding? This is terrible. What lion lives off of insects?

I haven’t seen my friends in a while now. I’m sure G is still mad for whatever reason and S always has his hands full with birds... if only he had hands, but you know what I mean. Yep, for the first time, I am completely alone.


Entry 12:
I have reached a new low. Today, I was just trying to have a drink of water, a simple drink, when three juvenile water bucks walked up to me. They pranced around me, jeering and laughing, somehow knowing that I lacked the stamina to chase them down! Can you believe it?!

It’s really a sin how unforgiving life is. In spite of all the guile and innovation, the weak can only survive in this world of brute strength as far as pity or luck will allow. Now it’s to the point I don’t know what’s worse anymore: the snarky remarks from what should be my breakfast, or imagining the faces of my former pride watching me from afar?

Meanwhile, the bugs I’ve been living off of have dwindled even further. I would try to join the rival pride further north, but I’m sure they haven’t forgotten the time I had a group of moles dig a giant sinkhole under their dens. I thus fear my only option is to return to my old pride and somehow fall into Pant’s good graces. I’ll have to somehow prove myself useful to him; show that I can more than earn my keep... before killing him in his sleep.


Entry 13:
It was no use. I was thrown out by a patrol the moment I stepped paw back in Emerald Mane... which is now called King Ultra-Awesome-Warfang-Lord-Panthera-Leo Land... Seriously, they even replaced the statues of the sky guardian with those of his roundness. I later tried again, disguising myself in mud and grass, but they could still tell it was me.

Still alone... The Great Chasm looks so deep and lonely. Maybe my uncle is still down there.


Entry 14:
Reunited and it feels so good! Another month of grief has passed, but I have at last met with S and G again. Both seem just as demoralized and beaten as I; enough that we have decided to climb the great mountain out east. Hey, we really have nothing better to do. I, for one, adamantly refuse to believe that that roly-poly excuse for a king managed to make such a climb and am willing to disprove it one way or another.

I gathered from the various bedtime stories that the message does not say whether the reward is limited to one. If King Pant did somehow reap it, would it still be given to the next climber afterwards? Perhaps all three of us can become gods, or if not, just one of us while the other two are at least championed or something. In any case, with such power, I’d be able to expose him for the fraud he is.

It’s a crazy, seemingly pointless gamble, but what choice do we have? What do we have to lose? We are essentially three nobodies that as far as the world is concerned do not or should not exist. At the very least, we’ll be away from this petty backwards world of scumbags.


Entry 15:
It took forever, but we’ve reached the base of the mountain. It really is quite massive; disappearing into the clouds above. As for the pillar, the text read as the elders claimed... though it was quite worn and covered with graffiti. The word “LIES” was boldly written in blood over the front... That’s promising. On the back, someone etched what looked like King Pant with buck teeth. I added a grass skirt and stink lines. Hehe.

We’ve started the climb, with still ample enough provisions to last us a while. It’s not much, but I brought a pound of maggots and beetles (hey, better than nothing), and a vulture carcass I found on the way over. S tied them up in a bundle on my back... It’s a bit uncomfortable, not from the weight, but the squirming crawling sensation. Oh well, now I know how G felt that one time I poured worm-filled mud on his back when he complaining about being too hot.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

Really nice job on this updated chapter! It really came out very nice!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by The-J-Man »

And so the journey Begins...
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Saturn381 »

Things are getting even more interesting. Great job, dryideabat.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

==================================================================================================== Part 3.2: G
Entry 11:
Meh.

Entry 12:
I’ve had all I can take of my herd! They’ve officially welcomed that freakin’ antelope as a permanent member... and guess whose spot he’s taken... Again, he’s not even a goat! I mean, I could care less about Mena, but it’s the principle of the matter.

S thinks I’m being hypocritical saying this, given our friendship for what it is. I told him to slither-off. He thinks he knows everything, wearing that satchel like he’s supposed to be special. I can’t stand him sometimes.

Anyway, I don’t see how resenting the whole ante-goat business makes me a hypocrite. It’s not the same thing as what we have. We’re friends- brothers deeper than blood... at least I thought we were. This guy’s just some goat wannabe looking to make my life a living hell. And my herd, being the jerks that they are, is more than happy to help him. Whatever, I’m officially done. I’m running away, for real this time, putting whatever distance I can away from them all. I don’t even want any children now, least of all if it means raising them in such a backwards place. **Animals**, the whole lot of them.


Entry 13:
Great, now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere. There are birds aimlessly circling overhead or perched on the dead trees all around, giving me no clue as to where the hell I should go. Useless. I see a huge pit up ahead, but it looks like it goes nowhere I want to be. Still, this is infinitely better than spending another day back with those horn-headed-

Something just frightened the buzzards away... Something big... Screw hiding, I’m so livid right now that I’m ready to go after it horns-first. If I’m getting eaten, I’m going down fighting, giving my killer scars to remember me by. It’s freakin’ go time!


Entry 14:
Well, well, well. Guess who else is stuck out here. I came inches away from head-butting L into tomorrow... and considering how frail he looks, I’d say that that wouldn’t be an exaggeration. Seriously, he and S both look like they’re at death’s door.

Now comes the crazy part. They want to climb some mountain out east, following a myth about heaven and sky guardians or some crap... Right, well they go have fun with that. I’m not even going to bother...


Entry 15:
You know what? - The hell with it. I’ve decided to tag along on this asinine crusade after all... Because I feel like it. I’m so sick of the world that climbing miles up away from it actually sounds dandy. We’re at the base right now and sheesh, this mountain is freakin’ gigantic! I’m glad I’m built for climbing, unlike these two pansies. And with enough grass and shrubs to last me for days, this should at least prove to be a good vacation.

I look forward to telling S and L “I told you so” when we find jack squat at the top... But in just reaching the top, I can say I accomplished something no other goat could.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by The-J-Man »

G really has a temper doesn't he?
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Re: The Diary of Homer

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Great job, dryideabat.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

The-J-Man wrote:G really has a temper doesn't he?
Yes, a very baa-aa-aa-aad temper... Sorry, I couldn't resist :mrgreen: .
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

Don't you make me go get Ozzy again!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

Now, now, no reason to make angry threats... No reason to get your goat up. Well, I'm getting close to all that I had already written down. Guess I'll have to find time to write more soon.

==================================================================================================== Entry 11:
Examining the rock more closely, it is composed of gold and an unknown element. Separating the two, this unclassified constituent appears and feels like marble, but it’s harder than diamond, yet lighter than cotton. It’s not magnetic, but seems to resonate as I move it westward... What is this?


Entry 12:
The composition of the stone still baffles me, but I can confidently say that it is not of this planet. Its “behavior” defies chemistry/physics as I know them to the point of suggesting some (dare I say?) “supernatural” origin... Until I investigate it further, let’s just call it preternatural for the time being. Late yesterday morning, it spontaneously emitted blue light, flashing in random intervals for approximately 300 seconds. There was no clear source of external stimulus consistent with such a response.

I tried discussing the matter with G, but he was not in an amicable mood... Granted, he seldom ever is. In his anger, he finally inadvertently revealed what was really bothering him: a certain female in his herd chose a different species over him. I cannot say that I have adequate experience regarding the concept of “love.” The closest biochemical response I’ve had akin to it came about when I ate a rat that had dined on fermented grapes. It is such that I question what he really meant when he said “everyone should stick to their own kind.” Is he simply hurt by the circumstances around his rejection, or does he literally believe what he said and deep-down wants nothing to do with me? I can only assume (...or hope) that it’s the former, given how much he hates his herd... But who truly knows anymore?

L is nowhere to be found. I haven’t seen him with his pride and fear the worse for him... Then again, I still owe him 2 rats. All jokes aside, I must share this finding with someone (anyone). My friends may not be able to fully understand or appreciate its true implications, but they’re the only ones left I can talk to.


Entry 13:
I thought I had the rock’s luminescence memorized well enough to run a simple experiment on my own. I brazenly went on a late morning hunt in the open fields, bringing the rock with me in the hopes that the light would frighten away any would-be predators. Unfortunately, it never activated and I was promptly grabbed by a secretary bird. My bag broke under the weight of its talons, providing me with the opportunity to escape, though not before receiving a serious gash over my left eye. I am now hiding inside a dead tree, with no supplies or means of defending myself against the horde of birds waiting for me outside. I don’t even have the rock anymore to at least amuse myself with while awaiting my inevitable demise. All I have is this journal.


Entry 14:
L saved me again... and my goodness does he look emaciated. By fortuitous circumstance, G is also here... I’m not even going to bother calculating odds of this occurrence.

In his disheveled state, L has forged a rather crazy idea... and I like it. He means to climb the great mountain out east in the hopes of debunking a myth or, if not, attaining divine power. I for one am willing to join him simply to investigate the origins of that rock. Yes, the ascent is nothing short of suicidal, especially for an ectothermic organism. However, I believe that the potentially world-revolutionizing answers are more than worth the remote odds of survival.


Entry 15:
The journey to the mountain alone was exhausting, taking me further east than I’ve ever been. I had only heard accounts of its massiveness and I can honestly say that they were not exaggerated. The top clearly extends well above the icy cirrus clouds; beyond even the loftiest of birds. As I had figured, from down here I cannot determine the altitude from which the rock originated, but I can’t imagine the former king could have made it too high up given his condition...
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by The-J-Man »

Yep. Definitely too smart for his his own good
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Re: The Diary of Homer

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Great job, dryideabat.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

Really loving how this is coming out here!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by dryideabat »

Well, that's about all I have already written. Good job past me.

====================================================================================================
Part 4.1: L

Entry 16:
We’ve been climbing for 3 days now. The air keeps getting thinner and colder with each step. Every breath stings inward from my nose to my lungs. Once in a while, an icy gale tries to throw us down the side, forcing us to huddle and wait it out. We’ve already passed by the frozen remains of a dozen others who previously attempted the climb... So yes, promising signs indeed.

S had earlier expressed his concern about his inability to handle the cold, though I thought he was just playing with us. How is being “cold-blooded” bad in this case? Over the last several hours however, he’s become very slow and even lost consciousness a couple of times. G is now keeping him warm in his hair, but even he’s looking like the cold is starting to wear him down...

I tried eating the vulture carcass, but it was frozen stiff and for some reason my tongue stuck to it... much to the delight of my friends. I managed to free myself after chipping around and yanking a few times. But at least we all got a laugh over it, which at this point is the only way we’re going to survive. It’s been the one thing we’ve each hung onto throughout the fire and chaos of our lives; the one thing preventing us from losing our heads.


Entry 17:
There seems to be no top to this mountain. The slope has become very steep and slippery, too much so for even G’s hooves to handle. Nevertheless, we somehow manage to get past one ledge after the next; each of us pulling the weight of the other like one being. We keep telling each other that this mountain is not going to best us. We’ve come too far and, looking down, there’s clearly no turning back. Our hopes now rest on if there really is a heaven at the top, lest this be a one-way trip. Then again, if we die we’d just end up there anyway... right?

We’re currently resting the night in a small cave of some sort. It doesn’t look like anyone’s ever been here. S made a fire using rocks and some of the grass and wood G brought along. Go figure that I’d throw the vulture carcass down the mountain just the night before. Oh well, at least now we won’t die of cold.


Entry 18:
Waiting for storm to pass in cave. Lost track of time. Feeling cold hungry... Resisting urge to eat friends...


Entry 19:
Overnight, the cave mysteriously changed. The entrance was sealed shut and a hidden hallway opened up going deeper into the mountain. Shimmering golden walls harbored strange orbs that illuminated the way. With no other place to go, we slowly journeyed down it, eventually coming across a large room with a gate. All up and down the side were engravings in a language that even S couldn’t decipher.

We stepped in front of the gate to study it, standing atop of a circle with more markings on it. The circles pressed down and gate opened. Behind it was a light as bright as the sun. A sweet aroma wafted from the opening like a spring breeze. It was strangely invigorating, seeming to fill us with new life... with new hope. We all took one last silent look at each other and nodded, knowing that we were all going to see this through no matter what. Heaven or not, this was it.
We then closed our eyes and stepped into the light.

On the other side... is paradise: endless groves glistening with the sweetest smelling fruit. Cascading all around are streams shining with all colors of the rainbow. The air is warm, but not too warm, and perfectly still. However, there are no bugs, birds, or any other creatures around to make the slightest noise.

As delightful as this place is, several vexing questions hinder us from enjoying it. Is this heaven? Perhaps we died in our sleep. But if that’s so, where is everyone else? Where is the sky guardian? Where is my uncle?


Entry 20
I was so hungry that I shook off my qualms and ate the mystery fruit, not caring whether it was poisonous. With all considering it did not taste all that bad, even with me being a carnivore and all. It certainly was the best thing I ate in a long time. My friends also hastily gorged themselves. Shortly afterwards, my head started to pound. Every muscle in my body ached and trembled uncontrollably. S and G suffered the same and before we knew it all three of us were on the ground. Everything started spinning above us before going black.

When we came to, we were back in the cave. Everything was back to normal. The entrance was open and the hidden hallway was gone. The fire had long burnt itself out... But we were no longer hungry or cold... In fact, we were quite energized and all seemed to have grown a bit in size.

My mane has finally grown in full, sporting an orange luster. Granted, I may have been too hungry and exhausted to notice it until now, but my word is it glorious! Does that mean we did it? Are we now gods?... I can only guess no. For one thing, this is still nowhere near the top of the mountain. There was no one there to so much as greet us or hand us our reward. Lastly, I feel great, but certainly not godly... S tested this by biting my arm. It bled, and I’m pretty sure gods don’t bleed. Thanks S.

With our strength and spirits renewed, we are currently readying ourselves to finish the climb up. This whole episode must have been a gift to help us complete the rest of the journey; a sort of checkpoint before the final stretch. It’s still cold outside, enough such that my spit ball froze on S’s head, but it doesn’t seem to bother us anymore. S even wrote his name in the snow with his body. Likewise, G left his mark... but via a different medium. Classic.
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by Amazee Dayzee »

I like where this is going! Can't wait for more!
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Re: The Diary of Homer

Post by The-J-Man »

Ew that last part was gross
But It was a great story
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