Jokes

[Tiggy]

Not so much a joke as a riddle, but still.

When is 100 less than 99?

Uhm, when it's multiplied by 0, 100*0= 0, less than 99 :3 I hope?:o

[Vadiant]

I've got a riddle, though:

What is always present at the beginning and end of every life?

[Zander]

I've got a riddle, though:

What is always present at the beginning and end of every life?

e.

i got one:

to be or not to be, that is the question
for if a pea is really to be,
then why is a question of a sea, a pea, and a bee
split a pea you get a sea, and always this answer be.
so what is the answer to why?
is it to be or not to be?

its actually a math problem.

[sliceofdog]

That's right, Vadiant, well done :p

Ok, how about a nice long joke now?

A man is on holiday, and is driving along a stretch of road. He sees a sign saying "See Chief Winding-Lake: The man with the greatest memory in the world", but thinks nothing of it. Later, he sees another, larger sign; "Chief Winding-Lake: Best memory in world! Half a mile" and starts to wonder how popular this Chief must be. Sure enough, he finally sees a huge billboard saying "See the amazing Chief Winding-Lake: Next turn", and so the man, out of curiosity, takes the next turn. He parks up and sees a large line of people leading up to a tepee. He asks the person at the back of the line "What are you waiting for?". The person replies "I'm going to see Chief Winding-Lake, apparently he has the best memory in the world!". Wow The man thinks This Chief must really be something! and he decides to stand in the queue.
After half an hour of waiting, the man is standing outside the tepee and realises he hasn't thought of anything to ask the Chief to test his memory. He quickly thinks of a question as he is told to go inside. Inside he sees Chief Winding-Lake, and old Native American man sitting in the corner smoking a long pipe. The Chief looks up and says "How"
"How" replies the man, and takes a seat.
"I have the best memory in the world," says the Chief "You may ask me one question. What would you like to ask?"
The man leans in and says "What did I have for breakfast on my 8th birthday?"
Chief Winding-Lake sits back and thinks for a moment, before nodding to himself. He turns to the man and says "Eggs".
The man frowns, stands up and leaves. Ridiculous, He thinks as he's driving away, I can't remember whether I had eggs for breakfast on my 8th birthday. He could have said anything!

5 years later, the man is on holiday again, and happens to be driving along the same road. He sees the signs about Chief Winding-Lake, and remembers visiting him. He decides to go see if Chief Winding-Lake is still there, and sure enough as he parks up there is just as large a queue waiting outside the same tepee.
He waits in line, and this time thinks of a great question he is sure will test the Chief's memory. Happy with himself, he enters the tepee.
"How" he says.
Chief Winding-Lake looks up and says "Scrambled"

[Jimmy Jazz]

I've got a riddle for you guys, for those I've already told. don't answer please.


So, a Kiwi's pet Kiwi is eating a Kiwi. how is this possible?

[Teh Brawler]

I've got a riddle for you guys, for those I've already told. don't answer please.


So, a Kiwi's pet Kiwi is eating a Kiwi. how is this possible?

Kiwi is a nationality, a species of bird, and a fruit

[FlintTheSquirrel]

I did not know the first one because of the word A being in-front.

[ctcmjh]

Subject: Jokes

I've got a riddle for you guys, for those I've already told. don't answer please.


So, a Kiwi's pet Kiwi is eating a Kiwi. how is this possible?

This man is from New Zealand (A Kiwi)

This is his pet bird (A Kiwi)

This is it's favorite food (A Kiwi)

[Liam]

What's the difference between a joke and a riddle?

Don't ask us! *buh-dum-tsh*

[Typhon]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

[Sleet]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A pool table.

[Eagle Kammback]

When I was five my grandfather came up to me and said, "When I was your age, I was six," and then he cackled madly and threw a spoon against the window.

[Alex]

How many members of the Italian mafia does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - One to change it, one to be the witness, and one to kill the witness.

[Eagle Kammback]

Hope this doesn't offend anybody

Why doesn't the mafia like Jehovah's Witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses

[sliceofdog]

How many members of the Italian mafia does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - One to change it, one to be the witness, and one to kill the witness.

Ok, that is perhaps my new favourite 'changing a lightbulb' joke. Before it was the Surrealist one Sleet said, but I'd heard it with the punchline "Fish".

Reminds me (Somehow!) of another joke I like;

What's the difference between a bench and a writer?
A bench can support a family :p

Also, it's neither a joke nor a riddle, but the following is a grammatically correct English sentence:
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

[Sleet]

I have heard a very different form of that bench joke. It's... Not OK. Let's put it that way. :3

So a guy walks into a bar. He has a drinking problem and it's destroying his family.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Banana you glad I didn't say orange?!

Knock knock?
Whose there?
Grammar police, you're under arrest.



...I like surrealism. Can you tell?

[sliceofdog]

...I like surrealism. Can you tell?

On the Eh you haven't heard of him, I get the feeling you'd love Stewart Francis; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV9wsPgh ... re=related :p

[Typhon]

So a blond get's into med school.

[Enty]

Not so much a joke as a riddle, but still.

When is 100 less than 99?

When it's the timer on a microwave?

Ayup!

[Slippery-Q]

What do you call a Deer with no legs?

Dinner.

[yoyodude]

A blonde and her husband are watching the news together. The news man was reporting a story about "six brazilian men dying in a skydiving accident".
The blonde started to cry and said "that's horrible!"
The husband, confused, said "Well honey, they were taking a risk. It could've happened to anybody."
A few minutes later the blonde calmed down and asked her husband, "how many is a brazilian?"

[Zander]

A blonde and her husband are watching the news together. The news man was reporting a story about "six brazilian men dying in a skydiving accident".
The blonde started to cry and said "that's horrible!"
The husband, confused, said "Well honey, they were taking a risk. It could've happened to anybody."
A few minutes later the blonde calmed down and asked her husband, "how many is a brazilian?"

OMG LOL

[44R0NM10]

Okay, so...

There's a mummy baloon, a daddy baloon and a baby baloon. Baby baloon liked to float into mummy baloon and daddy baloon's bed when he couldn't sleep. Daddy baloon was getting annoyed at this each night and said "Don't come into our bed tonight.". In the middle of the night, baby baloon couldn't sleep. He decided to float into mummy baloon and daddy baloon's bed. He just couldn't fit in the middle. He let a bit of air out of mummy baloon but still couldn't fit. He then let some air out of daddy baloon but still couldn't fit. He let a bit of air out of himself and then fit comfortably. In the morning, daddy baloon was very cross so he said:

"You've let me down, you've let you're mother down...but most importantly you've let yourself down!"