Granted. You're now James Bond the boring accountant, not the spy.

I wish for a GPS for my car.

Granted, it's giving you false directions.

I wish I had half a million dollars.

Granted. You get 500,000 $1 bills which have been cut in half so you can't use them.

I wish postage was cheaper.

Granted. You now live by that, and that's your current money.

I wish I could stay up for more than 24 hours.

Granted. You're now stuck up there and can't get down again.

I wish I had a stick with which to poke Riolu while he/she is stuck up there.

Granted, you're slowly killing me.......

I wish I was all better and Hlaoroo never had a stick.

Granted. I hat a cricket bat instead.

I wish to be debonaire and dashingly handsome.

Granted. You're Taylor Lautner.

I wish I had a friendly kitten.

Granted. But you also get the horrid mum.

I wish I had a pet rabbit.

granted , It's Bugs , yah you can see where this is going can't ya !
I wish fish can fly

They already can. Sort of.
Granted, but you get a literal understanding of the phrase "better than a slap in the face with a wet fish".

I wish I could see that happen!

You can see it, but with no vocal cords or hands, cannot tell anyone about it
I wish I could tail-slap some fools.

Granted. You could... but you'll have to find your tail first!

I wish for some black opals because they're so pretty.

Granted, they curse you, grow legs and walk away.
I wish life was more exiting.

Granted. Sure, it's exciting for you, but it ruined other people's lives.

I wish I had a date to go see Ironman 3.

Granted, you have a date with the Iron woman! (Meant as a pun but is potentially sexist and degrading)
I wish Wii was popular.

Granted. TOo bad you can't get any games for it.

I wish there were more black currant flavoured things in the world.

Granted, it's unhealthy.

I wish every chocolate was peanut butter filled.

Granted. But you're allergic to peanuts.

I wish for a candy cane.

Granted, you get candy and a cane.

I wish I was a fox.

Granted. Watch out for all those beagles behind you!

I wish for a pet rat.

Granted, it's spreading The Black Plague.

I wish Zombie stories were non existant.

Granted. But the zombies become real instead.

I wish you hadn't made that wish!

must....resist...making...arrggghh
granted ! now because he didn't make that wish , your wish got undone , and so , PARADOX ! >_<''
I wish for a jumping apple tree

How did I know that that was going to happen?

Granted. You get a giant, blow-up apple tree which works much like a jumping castle. Only problem is you've got no pump to blow it up.

I wish for a vorpal sword.

Granted. It's quadruple-bladed, making an X pattern. Good luck using that without losing a limb or two.

I wish I had more control over my eyes, so that I could roll my eyes and wink and such better.

Granted. Your eyes are now wired into a remote control and you can't move them without using the joysticks on the remote.

I wish for the ability to record the music I write in my mind.

granted , it will be recorded into your short term memory
i wish for the ability to communicate with my past self

Granted but your past self can't handle the shock of meeting your future self and dies, thereby creating yet another paradox. You're making this too easy!

I wish to find a good backing track to use to play along to for my upcoming performance.

but...elemental...spirit..don't...die ?.?
anyway granted , but the rest of your performance will be.....hehehehehehe
I wish I can mimic any voice and can still return to my own

Granted, however you are constantly being sued or fraud.
I wish I could perform ninjutsu.

granted , as good as naruto's at the beginning of the story though
i wish I could recall what that hilarious movie i watched years ago called?

Granted. you can now perform it at a basic, beginners' level.

I wish I was a 4th dan judoka.

granted , you're also unknowingly in danger of being attack by the entire forest , lead by a fox with...."special skills"
I wish that egg would stop laying chicken

Granted, it's laying Grue now. You have been eaten by a grue.
I wish modern people would stop using rediculous jargon, YOLO is carpe diem for fools.

Granted, now you misread all the memes. You Obviously Love Owls?

I wish I had Commander Riker's beard.

Granted, but nobody knows who that is and your effort is in vain.
I wish people would stop being jerks online. Like bit-coin miners they sicken me.

(personally agree whole heartedly , but still have to corrupt your wish , nothing personal , it's just good bussiness )
granted , for some reason , now they all being nice goody two shoes to the point it creepy 0.o
I wish for a book that has all the stories and legends written inside it

Granted, you drop it however, and crush the earth.
I wish they would hurry up and make batteries last for days without the need to charge.

granted , but because of it , the price for those batteries gone up the roof !
I wish my place will never have power shortage ever again