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Joke thread 
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Post Re: Joke thread
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb.

Pfft, some obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

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Wed Jul 06, 2011 9:02 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
How many members of the British royal family does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Can't tell--they ALL make the hand motion for it.

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Wed Jul 06, 2011 9:50 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
No blonde jokes, huh? Well there goes half my clean repertoire....


Okay. Here we go...


Well, one day down in Hell, the Devil decided that he was tired of being harangued in churches and having all the world's problems laid on him, so he decided to go on up to Earth to speak his mind. With that thought in mind, he conjured a huge cloyd and went to Earth.


Meanwhile on Earth, a small Southern congrgation had gathered for their sunday services. The Preacher was right in the middle of his sermon when a monstrous thunder cloud suddenly manifested itself in the middle of the church, with the Devil himself sitting in the middle of it! Everyone member of the churches flock ran out screaming upon seeing this, leaving only two people. The preacher, and an old man who sat serenly watching the scene unfold.
The Devil was confused. He looked at the preacher and said "You. I understand why you do not fear me. You are in the lord's house, and have preached against me countless times. But you," The devil said, turning and pointing at the Old man. "Why do you not fear me?"


The old man just clasped his hands together, leaned back and said in a slow southern drawl "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me! I have been married to your sister for nigh on 35 years now..."

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Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:36 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
copper wrote:

Well, one day down in Hell, the Devil decided that he was tired of being harangued in churches and having all the world's problems laid on him, so he decided to go on up to Earth to speak his mind. With that thought in mind, he conjured a huge cloyd and went to Earth.


Meanwhile on Earth, a small Southern congrgation had gathered for their sunday services. The Preacher was right in the middle of his sermon when a monstrous thunder cloud suddenly manifested itself in the middle of the church, with the Devil himself sitting in the middle of it! Everyone member of the churches flock ran out screaming upon seeing this, leaving only two people. The preacher, and an old man who sat serenly watching the scene unfold.
The Devil was confused. He looked at the preacher and said "You. I understand why you do not fear me. You are in the lord's house, and have preached against me countless times. But you," The devil said, turning and pointing at the Old man. "Why do you not fear me?"


The old man just clasped his hands together, leaned back and said in a slow southern drawl "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me! I have been married to your sister for nigh on 35 years now..."


...okay, I give up. I don't get it.


Thu Jul 07, 2011 10:52 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
I think it's a crack against the old man's wife. I don't really find it funny either.

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Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:05 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of.
Edit: just realized someone else beat me to the joke T_T

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Last edited by yehoshua on Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:42 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
*points to the top of the page for yohu.*

Sorry there, but already been posted. xD

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Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:56 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
ó.ò None of these are funny...like Aaron's jokes, they leave me confuzzled

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Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:29 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
zeldakeeper wrote:
ó.ò None of these are funny...like Aaron's jokes, they leave me confuzzled

well, what'd you do if you walked into a bar? :P

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Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:34 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
A man walks into a bar.

He's an alcholic and will die from liver damage .-.





Antijoke chicken .-.

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Thu Jul 07, 2011 12:38 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
Oh, you say none of these are funny and then you tell an antijoke of your own! *giggles*

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Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:54 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
Well actually the hipster one made me laugh XD, I didn't get it at first.

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Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:24 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
HAH. BAND HUMOR.

- How do you get a trumpet to play FFF?
- Mark MP on the part.

- Why does a trumpet have three valves?
- Because trumpet players can't count to four.

- How do you make a trumpet sound like a french horn?
- You stick your hand in the bell and play wrong notes.

- How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune?
- You shoot one.

And the generic band joke:

- How many [X] players does it take to change a lightbulb?
- 5. One to change the bulb, four to contemplate how [Y, where Y is a famous X player] would have done it.

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Tue Jul 12, 2011 1:40 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
Coatl_Ruu wrote:
- Why does a trumpet have three valves?
- Because trumpet players can't count to four.



D: I can too count to four! making me miss band a bit hee hee

copper wrote:
No blonde jokes, huh? Well there goes half my clean repertoire....


Okay. Here we go...


Well, one day down in Hell, the Devil decided that he was tired of being harangued in churches and having all the world's problems laid on him, so he decided to go on up to Earth to speak his mind. With that thought in mind, he conjured a huge cloyd and went to Earth.


Meanwhile on Earth, a small Southern congrgation had gathered for their sunday services. The Preacher was right in the middle of his sermon when a monstrous thunder cloud suddenly manifested itself in the middle of the church, with the Devil himself sitting in the middle of it! Everyone member of the churches flock ran out screaming upon seeing this, leaving only two people. The preacher, and an old man who sat serenly watching the scene unfold.
The Devil was confused. He looked at the preacher and said "You. I understand why you do not fear me. You are in the lord's house, and have preached against me countless times. But you," The devil said, turning and pointing at the Old man. "Why do you not fear me?"


The old man just clasped his hands together, leaned back and said in a slow southern drawl "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me! I have been married to your sister for nigh on 35 years now..."


bahaha.


Tue Jul 12, 2011 3:38 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
How do you know if a drummer is at your door?
The knocking gradually gets faster. [/self-depreciation]

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Tue Jul 12, 2011 5:28 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
There was a young man from Peru,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.



There was an old maid from Verdun.



(Don't even ask about the limerick on Emperor Nero.)







Two drums and a cymbal roll down the hill.



Ba-dum CHING!







A man entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:46 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
this pun was tweeted by Jason Ritter.

My friend called in a panic, cuz he thought he found a dinosaur leg in his backyard! I ran right over but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:53 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
There were 5 people on the plane:
-The Pilot
-A doctor
-A lawyer (who claims to be the smartest man in the world)
-A kid
-And a Priest

The plane's engine dies there are only 4 parachutes.
Without hesitation, the Pilot jumps out. There are only 3 parachutes left.

The doctor says, "I have lives to save so I must go." And he jumps out

The lawyer says, "I'm the smartest man in the world to I must be the one to live." He takes a parachute from the kid and jumps out.

The priest tells the kid, "Here, take my parachute. I've lived my life, now its time for you to live your's."

The kid replies, "It's okay, the smartest man in the world just took my backpack."

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:55 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
What do you call a bird that doesn't eat? A polynomial.

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 8:49 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
I just ate three French names. nom nom nom.

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:04 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
"You see, we Europans have evolved far beyond the need for what you humans call 'logic.'"

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 11:38 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
HOH HOH HOH!

-Water joke-

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Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:31 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
What do you call cooking that makes fun of businessmen?

Trump roast!


Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:02 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
From The Lilt of the Irish

"Sign on the back of McGuire's Hauling Company's trucks in Boston:

THESE LETTERS SEEM


TO BE GETTING LARGER

BECAUSE I'M BACKING UP
"
Another goody from the same book

"A couple of rooters were so engrossed in this, the last half of the ninth inning of the World Series game, that they wouldn't even consider the thought of marching back to the refreshment stand for hot dogs, and there wasn't a vendor in sight. But both were hungry. They finally bribed a kid nearby to go for them.
'Here's a dollar-and-a-half, kid,' they told him. 'Get us each one, and buy one for yourself, too.'
The kid came back with a dollar change. 'Sorry,' he explained, 'but they only had my hot dog left!'"

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Tue Aug 16, 2011 3:25 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
One time I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst transformer ever!

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Tue Aug 16, 2011 3:29 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
Neutron wants to pay the tab.

Bartender says "for you, no charge."

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Wed Aug 17, 2011 7:05 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
Two canables are eating a clown, one looks to the other and says "does his taste funny to you?"

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Wed Aug 17, 2011 7:59 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
You don't understand my chemistry jokes? They're elemental.

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Wed Aug 17, 2011 9:24 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
And Ill take a guess as to where you heard that, Fallout 3?

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Wed Aug 17, 2011 9:42 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
From Garfield and Friends:

"You're not a surgeon!"
"I operated on a man just yesterday!"
"For what?"
"For nine hundred dollars."
"No, no, what did the man HAVE?"
"Nine hundred dollars."
"No, I mean, what did you REMOVE?!"
"The nine hundred dollars."
"NO!  What was his COMPLAINT?!?"
"The nine hundred dollars."

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Thu Aug 18, 2011 12:16 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

just one, but it takes three episodes.

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Thu Aug 18, 2011 3:48 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
exranio wrote:
One time I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst transformer ever!

I can Truly relate to this. Haha

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Sat Aug 20, 2011 1:40 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
Gold? AU Yeaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!

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Sat Aug 20, 2011 2:30 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
Hurricane Irene's dating page

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/irene

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Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:36 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
From "The Abbott and Costello Show":

Mike the Cop: "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FIREARMS?!?!?"
Lou: "I'll have you know I'm one of the finest crackpots in the--uh, crackpots in the--uh, crackpot--crackp--cr....crack SHOTS in the business!"
Mike: "Yeah, yeah, 'crackpots' is right!"

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Sun Sep 04, 2011 4:59 pm
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Post Re: Joke thread
A cop pulls a man over for driving while drunk.
The man defends himself thusly:
"Misten, Lister, I only had ti martwonis, and I'm not as much under the afluence of incohol as some thinkle may peop."

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Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:08 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
Obbl wrote:
A cop pulls a man over for driving while drunk.
The man defends himself thusly:
"Misten, Lister, I only had ti martwonis, and I'm not as much under the afluence of incohol as some thinkle may peop."


"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

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Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:11 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
One evening, a man attended an outdoor party hosted by a few of his close friends. A few dozen people showed up and he milled around, met a few new people, and danced a bit until he became thirsty. He began to look around for beverages, eventually deciding to go stand in the soda line. Unfortunately, there was none. Frustrated, he headed over to the juice line, only to realize that there was no juice line either. Now the man, whose throat was quite parched at this point, strained to find a punchline. To his horror, there was none.

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Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:48 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
"I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' so it died." -Mitch Hedberg

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Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:58 am
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Post Re: Joke thread
Iron, lithium and neon. I love them.

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Tue Sep 06, 2011 10:11 pm
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