I respectfully submit a request to every moderator, administrator, and user of the forums to place funny and appropriate jokes in this thread. Some days when we are stressed, sad, lonely, or just need a relaxing mood to lift our spirits we turn to laughter. It is after all the best medicine. So why don't we make a thread for funny jokes?
Good idea or bad idea?
Or is there another topic like this one?

Yes sir. Yes sir. And thank you.
I'll go find some funny and appropriate jokes, and let the other users submit their jokes.

A man walked into a bar. "OW!"

Oddly, that joke has less effect when written.

I love this idea! However, there is a problem. My taste in puns may be...well...

So, did you here about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!

How does a man on the moon keep his hair short? Eclipse it!

What do you yell when your pet runs away? Dog-gone!

Where does seaweed look for a job? The kelp-wanted adds!

The second one makes me sound British.

*Knock Knock*
Who's there?
Orange!
*Gets smacked.*
Ow.

So, a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! Why the long face?"
The horse says, "My wife died."

An owl and a chipmunk are sitting on a branch watching a farmer walk by underneath them.
The chipmunk turns to the owl and doesn't say anything, because they're animals and do not talk.
Then the owl eats the chipmunk, because it's a bird of prey.

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here."

The mushroom is sad he lives in a racist society.

hehe...realistic jokes...

A skeleton walks into a restraint. What's he order? Spare Ribs!

Why didn't the base-3 representation of a member of the Cantor set go to the dance?

Because it didn't have anyone to go with!

I was wondering why the train kept getting bigger and bigger....... And then it hit me! *Ba Dum Ch*

How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to break the ice! *Ba Dum Ch*

Assistant: The killer murdered Justin Bieber before the concert began.

Horatio: Well I guess we can say the killer is *puts on dark shades* Justin time.

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Sir, he was killed while taking home a copy of Halo: Reach."
"Well, it looks like it was..." *sunglasses* "Just out of Reach."
YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Partial credit to 'Sandwich, as he got my thoughts going on that joke.

"Sir, the band Journey was trampled to death by a herd of male bovines."

"Well, it looks like somebody stopped... *puts on shades* ...BULLieving."

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I'm sorry, this just made me lol so much and I don't think it would be so easy to understant without the pic.

My math teacher had a shirt with that on it, but it was in 7th grade so nobody understood it.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
-1 played a game and got one prize. Why was he jealous of 0? Because 0 1 2.
Why was 7 constantly pursued by 5's dogs? Because 5 6 7.
Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 is a bigger number than nine har har har har

I was playing Mortal Kombat and got a flawless victory against the original sub-zero. I totally pwned that Noob.

There's also "Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked." :3

- There are two muffins baking the oven. The first one looks to the other and says, "Boy, it's hot in here." The other muffin says "Ahh! A talking muffin!"

- What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? "Where's my tractor." (I've found that one either gets groans or dead silence. XD)

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- KGB.
- KGB wh-
- VE VILL AHSK ZE QUESTIONS!!!

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Control freak. Okay, this is the part where you say "control freak who?" (If the person actually asks "control freak who, the joke has failed.)

- Alright, so there was a magician on a cruise ship. He was great magician, and nobody could figure out how he did any of his tricks. Except the captain's parrot. And the parrot would always squawk out things like "It's up his sleeve!" or "The legs sticking out of the other end are fake!" And so on, basically ruining every show. So, one night there's this huge storm. The ship goes down, and everyone scrambles into the lifeboats. When the storm clears, the ship is gone, and the lifeboats have all been scattered. In one lifeboat is just the magician and the parrot. And the parrot stares at the magician for the longest time. Finally, the parrot sighs and says "Alright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

That last one with the parrot made me giggle.

If that's true, then your friends have a terrible sense of humor.

A man was fixing his sink, so he needed a wrench, a screwdriver, and a muffin. What did he need the muffin for? To fix the sink

Why does McDonalds use cow meat, chicken meat and even fish meat for hamburgers? They don't.

Actual flubbed joke from Zoom:

Boy: "What did one hot dog say to the other hot dog when he ate him?"

Girl: *cracks up* "THAT'S NOT THE LINE!!!"



I'm sorry, but that cracks me up whenever I think of it. The boy combined two straight lines from two separate jokes, as follows (they're not as funny):

"What did one hot dog say to the other?" "Hi, Frank."

"What did the dog say when he ate the hot dog?" "It's a dog-eat-dog world."



Why is it that we laugh harder when jokes are messed up than when they're told properly?

Two wolves are eating a clown. One says, "does this taste funny to you?"

It turned out the clown was a leper.

Another flub from The Muppet Show:



Fozzie's about to tell a joke, and he wants Kermit to help him. When Fozzie says the word "hear" (this works better NOT in text), Kermit will say, "Good grief, the comedian's a bear!" So Kermit goes offstage and waits for his cue.

Fozzie: "Hiya hiya hiya! Oh, you're a beautiful audience! I'm so happy to be here--"

Kermit: "GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!"

Fozzie: "Not now!"

Kermit: "But you said 'here'."

Fozzie: "That was the wrong 'hear'!"

Kermit: "Well, which is the right 'hear'?"

Fozzie: "The OTHER 'hear'." (Kermit goes back offstage.) "Okay, I have a great story that I know you'll all want to hear--"

Kermit: "GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!"

Fozzie: "Will you STOP?!"

Kermit: "But you said 'hear'!"

Fozzie: "Not THAT 'hear'!"

Kermit: "Well, WHICH 'hear'?!"

Fozzie: "ANOTHER 'hear'!!"

Kermit: "Well, how am I gonna know?!?"

Fozzie: "You'll KNOW when you HEAR--"

Kermit: "GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!"

Fozzie: "NOT YET!!!"

(Kermit and Fozzie both breathe heavily in frustration, glaring at each other.)

Fozzie: "Okay.... You will know...when I POINT to you. Don't grumble. So, a funny thing happened on the way to the Muppet theater, I'm surrounding by fans, and then all of a sudden I HEAR...."

(points to Kermit, Kermit comes onstage with his mouth scrunched up)

Kermit: "Good grief, the comedian's a bear."

Fozzie: "No he's-a not! He's-a wearin' a neck-a-tie!"







EDIT: I was hoping someone would have responded by now, so I could make a new post.... Regardless....

"Listen to this, this is the funniest joke I've ever heard! ...A monkey and a banana are walking down the street in a car. ...Wait--no, I messed it up. An APPLE and a banana are driving a monkey...driving a car with a monkey IN it...no--the MONKEY is driving.... I messed it up AGAIN! A monkey is driving a banana.... A monkey is driving a bus FULL of apples and bananas.... ORANGES! They're oranges. A monkey is driving a bus full of oranges and bananas, and says to the--AHAHAHA, okay, I got it. It's funny, this is funny! I almost wrecked it by saying 'apples', but it has to be ORANGES because the punchline is 'ORANGE you glad I didn't say BANANA?'

....

....

...oh, MAN!!! I said the PUNCHLINE...."

(The above was Arthur Read from the PBS series Arthur....)

Some helium walked into a bar and the bartender said, "We don't server your kind here."

The helium didn't react.

a man walks into a dentists office and says "I think I'm a moth"
the dentist asks "If you think you're a moth, why are you in the dentist's office?"
the man replies "the light was on."
this joke courtesy of Scrubs, though it may not have originated there.

That joke might work better with argon. Helium makes people think of balloons and neon makes people think of lights. Not being chemically inert.

Alright I'll give ya that. Or maybe xenon or one of the other noble gasses.

Don't use krypton either, you know what that makes people think of.

I'm glad to see that this thread is doing well.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

JOHNNY: I ate a submarine sandwich for lunch and I think it made me sick.
MOTHER: How do you know that?
JOHNNY: It's starting to surface.

"Hey Grandpa, could you make a noise like a frog?"

"Why do you want me to do that Johnny?"

"Because when Mom says you croak, we're going to Disney World."

A guy walks into a crowded room and shouts, "All lawyers are idiots."
Someone way in the back responds, "I resent that remark."
The guy asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The other guy yells back, "No. I'm an idiot."

My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
Awful.

George, there's a man at the door with a mustache.
Tell him I've already got one.

I hope this isn't out of line with the forum rating, but if it is I apologize--just delete it and let me know. It's from ALF.

"What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"
"I don't know."
"So YOU'RE the one!"

..Rofl XD That one was kind of good, or my humor is just crap. xD

A woman comes to doctor.

"Doctor! Please help me!" The woman says to doctor. "I feel like everyone are not noticing me!"

"Next!"

"Knock knock."
Who's there?
"The."
The Who?
"YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

hey, she apparently got a cameo in a Katy Perry video.
(I wish this were a joke)