Inheritance (Story)
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Author:  Kanashii Kanji [ Wed Apr 04, 2012 8:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Inheritance (Story)

I'm looking for peer revision. Grammar mistakes and such, but mainly if this is a good story or not. All criticism, positive or not, is welcomed and appreciated; Thank you.

Edit: I should mention that this is not a finished story.

(Sorry about the layout, it seems weird after copy/pasting from Word.)

The young woman walked through the two large marble doors, her blonde hair and white dress flowing behind her. The doors clanked together as the guards from outside closed them; everyone within the room turned their attention to the woman as she reached the middle of the circular room. Their idle chatter stopped and they took their seats, attention now on the girl. They all sat at a long table made of marble, hollowed out marble chairs with red velvet cushions. The young woman stood before them, she knew what was to be said, what was expected of her. She had been training her whole life for this even though she disliked what it meant for the world.

A man with a long white beard clasped his hands together, looking up to face the girl. He spoke calmly, “I'm sure you know why you're here, correct?”

“Yes,” the young woman replied.

“Then I don't need to explain what is about to occur on Earth. You are to leave in 12 hours, settle things with your family and loved ones and prepare yourself for your departure.”

The girl nodded.

“When you go you must not take anything with you... this next part I stress heavily. You must remain in your animal form immediately upon arrival and at all times. You cannot reveal your powers to anyone besides the chosen ones.”
“I understand completely, but what about the others? Are we not all going at the same time?” She spoke firmly, not wanting to appear weak but also worried she might cross the line.

“No, the others won't be going at this time. Your chosen one is going to awaken earlier than the rest, so you must go earlier as well. Now unless you have any more questions, you are dismissed.”

The girl bowed, turning around and heading back to the doors to leave. They swung open and she walked out, the doors closing behind her with a clank.

“Beep, beep, beep!”
A young man groaned as his alarm clock screeched to his tired ears, his arm shooting forward and blindly trying to stop the noise. His hand slid on top of the dresser, searching for the electronic nuisance but was just out of reach by a couple inches. He sighed as he knew he’d have to sit up, but was interrupted when the alarm clock was suddenly touching his fingers. Finally able to reach it the teenager slapped the block box into a quiet submission, not giving sudden movement of the clock a second thought.

Sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes helped awaken him for the day ahead. Adam was not a morning person and would find any excuse to stay in bed longer, such as skipping a school day or going in late. Sadly, today was not such a day. He had already missed too many days of school this quarter to be absent without losing credits. As he dressed in his normal attire of blue jeans, any t shirt he could grab from his closet, and his black skater shoes, he could only curse the ones who made those stupid rules for high school.
Moving around and getting dressed finally had the teenager feeling more awake, but it was quickly becoming apparent that if he didn’t get into gear he would be missing the bus. Hurrying to the bathroom, he popped in his contacts and brushed his teeth. He stopped in his tracks as his bed headed hair made itself none to him in the mirror. Adam’s dark brown hair was moderately long, the sides covering his ears, the bangs covering his eyes if not swept to the side and the back just barely above his shoulder.

After fixing his hair he grabbed his back pack and was out the door. Thankfully the bus stop was only one street over, and it was the last stop in the route. This meant that he had the shortest walking distance and that he could sleep in longer then the people who had earlier stops. The only downside being that you didn’t get to pick where you sat. Adam wasn’t worried about that as the bus pulled up in front of him.

He stepped on and sat in his usual seat that his friend always saved for him. She was a class below him, a sophomore, and only knew her from being on the bus, but considered her a good friend. “Hey Sabrina,” Adam tried to sound cheerful despite his grogginess as he got comfortable in the seat. When a response wasn’t heard, he turned and looked at the blonde girl only to see that she was fast asleep against the window. Keeping in a chuckle, he decided to join his friend in a good 15 minute nap before they reached the school.

Go to class, do the work, and then sleep till class ended. This is how Adam spent his time in every class he found boring. The only exception was his computer class and band class, but he didn’t have either of those classes today. His school did the whole block scheduling, four class one day, then four different classes the next day, then the first four classes and so on. This was the type of school day he would simply call “sleep day”. It was English, history, math, and then science class, all which he proclaimed to be boring and easy.

Adam never really had to try to get good grades, and he really liked it that way. Most students had to study, pay attention, and take notes to get A’s and B’s. Adam was different; he simply showed up and did the work. He never studied, took notes, or was awake for most of the examples and lectures. The teenager didn’t understand how he had such an easy time, but he wasn’t going to question it. His teachers understood this too, and allowed him to sleep in their class. At first every teacher didn’t like it; students had to pay attention in class to do well. But when they saw that Adam got good grades on homework, assignments, and tests, they stopped bothering.

Today was just like any day, do the work and take a nap till the bell rang for the next class. That was true for all classes that day except math. The lights were out as Mrs. Sanchez was doing math problems with the projector, and Adam was having a great nap in the darkness in the back corner of the room. He was sleeping quietly until his pencil made a loud clang as it fell from his desk, hitting the metal bar between the leg posts of the desk before hitting the ground.
Adam was jerked from his sleep at the noise and slowly sat his head up, looking for the source of the sound. After a few seconds he noticed his mechanical pencil was gone and concluded that it must’ve fallen. He leaned forward and his suspicions were confirmed as he saw the pencil underneath an occupied seat in front of him. He leaned back in his chair and let out an annoyed sigh. He hated interrupting others when they were working, even if it was just to retrieve his writing utensil.

After a few moments of debating, he decided he would simply get it himself. Pushing the small desk forward a bit was just the room he needed to get down to get the annoying object that escaped him. As Adam was about to dropped down however, he saw that his blue pencil was right as hit foot. But wasn’t it just underneath the chair in front of him? He snatched up the small object and confirmed that it was indeed his. He pulled his desk back to its original position and leaned forward, not seeing anything underneath the chair in front of him now.

“Maybe they just accidently kicked it back to me”, he thought as he sat back. “But I don’t remember hearing it, or seeing their feet move. And they probably would have said something if they had noticed.” Pondering over it for a few minutes, he finally dismissed his thoughts. “Why am I even thinking about this so much? It’s not a big deal or anything; they must have just kicked it as they moved their foot.” Adam let out a soft yawn, putting his head back down and going back to his nap.

Climbing on to the bus and taking his seat, Adam found his younger friend fast asleep once again against the bus window. “She must not have the opportunities to sleep in class like I do. I’d be passed out too if I couldn’t sleep in class.” His thoughts were quieted by the different conversations on the bus, though one did catch his attention. The two freshman girls that sat in front of him had sparked his interest.

“They said it looked like a dog or wolf bit marks, but were way too large for any typical wolf, let alone a dog.”
“No way, you got to be kidding!”

Adam tuned out their conversation and tried to get comfortable. They were just talking about the news, something about a large animal going around and attacking people, always ending in the person dying. Everyone kept saying it had to be a wolf, because the bite marks resembled those of a wolf but were larger than most wolves. The only problem was that all the attacks were in Florida, where Adam lived. Wolves didn’t inhabit Florida though, the only real threat being panthers and wild boars.

Another benefit of being the last bus stop in the morning was that you were the first stop in the evening. This meant that Adam’s stop allowed him to be the first home. Saying his farewells to his sleepy friend, the anxious teenager hopped off the bus and ran home. He was excited to finally be rid of the school day and to spend the rest of it relaxing with a nice can of Pepsi and a good video game.

As he neared his driveway, he slowed to a normal walking pace but stopped when a bright flash of light filled the air behind his house. “What the hell was that?” Looking at the driveway, he could tell that no one was home. His Dad was at work, and his Mom was gone to pick up his younger sister from elementary school. Jogging up the driveway and unlocked the front door with his house key, he rushed inside to make sure nothing had blown up. Setting his bag down, he saw that everything seemed to be in order.

He walked into every room in the house and saw nothing out of the ordinary. “Maybe it came from the back yard!” he declared silently to himself. Quickening his pace, he went out the sliding back door and into the back yard. Quickly he took notice to the small trail of smoke that was streaming up from the lot behind his house. “Ugh, those kids better not be playing with fire works again.”

The big flash and the smoke could be easily explained by those children from across the street. This wouldn’t be the first time they had messed with fireworks, but Adam had never seen them play in the empty lot behind his house. It was a small patch of land full of pine trees, broken branches, weeds, and tall grass. “I better see what they’re up to before they start a fire.” From where he was now, Adam could not see over their white fence let alone see through the vine engrossed fence.

Adam yelled across the fence, “I better not find a fire going on over there!” Going over to the side of the yard he unlatched the gate, walked around his fence and looked into the miniature forest ahead. The smoke was coming from the center of the lot, and he didn’t hear any voices or movement. “They must’ve blown their ear drums out with that last one.” He began the short journey through fallen down trees and knee tall grass.

When he neared the smoke, he could hear a soft sizzling as if someone was frying up bacon. Ducking under one more fallen tree, he emerged to see a small circle in on the ground where all the grass and weeds had been burned away. The sizzling was the edges of the circle where some foliage still burned. The strangest thing had to be the black cat in the centre of the circle. It looked to be almost fully grown with a necklace of black string and a blue gem strung onto the end that seemed to almost glow in the light. “W-What the…” Adam couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Were those kids trying to burn the cat? It didn’t have any signs of being hurt though.

As Adam watched the cat, he finally noticed that the cat had been watching him as well. The black feline brought up a front paw to its necklace, as if trying to get a better look at it. After inspecting the gem, the cat put its paw back down and turned back to the young man.

“Ah, so it’s you! Good thing you found me, it saves me the trouble of finding you.” The cat spoke clear and fluent English with a feminine voice.

Adam Jumped back, tripping on a branch and falling back against the fallen tree. “W-What the heck!” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

The cat stepped forward a step then stopped, realizing this was a shock to the young man. “Oh, I’m sorry! I suppose a talking animal isn’t an everyday thing here on Earth. Hmm, where do I begin?” The feline paused and looked around for a moment. “Well, I’ll just get straight to it. I’m here to help you with your inheritance.”

Adam blinked, but the cat was still there. He rubbed his eyes, and yet it was there and still speaking. How could this be happening, and what was it talking about? “I-Inheritance? What are you talking about, and how can you talk? Where did you come from? What the hell if going on!” He spoke in one breath, his words gaining spewing forth faster as he went. His breathing was quick as he tried to stop panicking, but how could he with a talking cat?

The cat’s head tilted slightly, “Surely you noticed? I wouldn’t have been sent early if your magical abilities hadn’t surfaced.”

Author:  Hlaoroo [ Wed Apr 17, 2013 5:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Inheritance (Story)

I love it so far! I'd like to read the whole thing.

There are a couple of sentences here and there that feel a bit clunky to me, and a couple of bits that are a bit repetitious (e.g. the paragraph about kicking the pencil). I haven't time to do a full edit at the moment but I suggest you start by reading it out loud to yourself. This really helps to work out where things need to be reworded. I didn't see any major spelling or grammatical errors from the quick skim I had, but it never hurts to reread and recheck.

Really good work overall. I shall keep an eye out for it in my local bookstore. ;)

Oh. By the way: a nice Pepsi? Bleargh! No such thing! Give me a Coke anyday! :P

Author:  Dissension [ Wed Apr 17, 2013 7:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Inheritance (Story)


This thread was last active on April 4th, 2012. The poster last visited the forums on April 10th, 2012. That being the case, there's not really a compelling reason to begin discussion.

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