Writing Critique Thread
Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 10:06 am
I didn't see one, so why not make one?
Anyways. Right now, I'm actually in the middle of writing a series(albeit its baby steps). So I'm in desperate need of Critique before I approach a publisher with my stuff. It is rather combat oriented, although, this chapter is one of the.. cleaner ones. Well, thats kind of a given, judging by the fact that the main character is in a heilo for most of the chapter. So, yeah. If you want some Critique.
FEARED ENEMIES: CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
Anyways. Right now, I'm actually in the middle of writing a series(albeit its baby steps). So I'm in desperate need of Critique before I approach a publisher with my stuff. It is rather combat oriented, although, this chapter is one of the.. cleaner ones. Well, thats kind of a given, judging by the fact that the main character is in a heilo for most of the chapter. So, yeah. If you want some Critique.
FEARED ENEMIES: CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
The UH-102 rose into the air as I charged up the lasers. I lifted into the air above my squad as two UH-1Y’s flew to them, and picked them up.
“SABER Actual, this is command. You’ve commandeered the Experimental Weapons Platform Helicopter.(EWPH) You are going to do as you are ordered for now. Your squad is being ordered someplace else. You’re going behind enemy lines to drop off some equipment to Navy SEAL teams in heavy fire. You are aware of the dangers of this craft, no?”
“I’m fully aware that the lasers could implode, killing us, and absorbing a half a block in the energy explosion.” I said back, noting the troubles an AV-191 sometimes had when the chin laser was properly maintained. That had claimed about 107 lives. Plus, an M1A2 TUSK tank. I rolled my eyes, and leaned the craft to the left, to engage Red Star LAVs moving up a highway.
“Cover the right flank! OH I'm a loaf of bread with no raisins! BTR! GET DOWN! MENDOZA! TAKE THAT SOB OUT!” I heard a company’s LT say as I flew over them. I hovered, placed the redicle on my HUD onto the BTR-80 coming down the road, and let loose two 70mm HE rockets from the two side mounted rocketpods. The sidegunners were busy with the soldiers below the pass, trying to take us out with an RPG-50 rocket. I would deal with them as soon as I dealt with the ones at hand, the ones more actively trying to shoot me down with 14.7mm MG nests. I sped forward, GAU 19’s blazing. I watched as a Red Star MG gunner was reduced from a human being about to soil himself to a bloody pulp from the amount of .50 BMG rounds sailing downrange. I glanced over my shoulder, and breifly saw an M1A3 TUSK moving in.
“Thank you for the assist, Forge. ‘War Machine’ will take it from here.”
“Copy. Out.”
EARTH: LOW ORBIT
USS Solace, Bridge
“Sir! I have eyes on a meteoroid headed to Earth!” A bridge officer said.
“Alright. How big, and how soon is it going to hit?” Commander Wilson said.
“Same size as the one that caused the Tunguska event in the early 1900’s.”
“Where’s it going to hit?”
“Chernobyl, Russia.”
“Good. Hell, it might vaporize the Plutonium or force Ivan to shift his focus elsewhere.”
“Sir, but what of the civvies!”
“Tell Russia to evacuate them.” He said in a deflated voice, obviously wanting to want Russia to find out about the new Meteoroid when its too late. He rubbed his temples, and sat down in the command chair.
FALLEN: NEW MADRID
Capitol Building, presidents office
As the time of Fallen’s first president came to a close, a new one was elected, and Sonya was making a return to normal military life, commanding her troops. The only reason she had accepted the presidency is because she was pleaded to do so. A new law was passed, so that her successors couldn’t go past 10 years, two five year terms. She had gone 15, but had realized that was a mistake, and the election was soon underway by mid-2050. There were no humans running, it was illegal. Same as for the US, which she found to be understandable. She’d probably help the CCOF and NATO forces to defeat the Red Star countries, yet again. She like the tactics of war, much like the one human that had special place the heart of most Fallen’s, Mark Forge. She chuckled at the thought of him when he came to Fallen, sent here unwillingly by his own government, apart of a super soldier program he didn’t know about. She packed up her stuff, and waited outside, dressed up, to meet Fallen’s new president. She didn’t like leaving office like this, but it had to be done. She shook his hand, and boarded the modified UH-60 Blackhawk to go home.
EARTH: NORTH KOREA
Outskirts of Pyonyang, near a major Red Star supply highway
I looked at the M1A3 TUSK Tank as it rolled down the highway, Two USMC M3A3 Bradley’s and a Stryker IFV moved up the streets, clearing the path for more troops in M1151 and M117 Humvee’s. I moved downward to face the enemy’s trying to take me down, AK-120 fire dinging off of my windshield. I noted that the two lasers were completely charged.
“Stay clear! I’m gonna fire the two lasers!” I said over the radio. I crossed my fingers as I aimed the two 80mm shafts. A blue streak of energy streaked out of the ends of the barrels, and exploded along the Red star ranks as two UH-1Y’s droned by. My squad. I grinned, and began to move back onto my objective. I had two clicks of heavy fighting to wade through in this heilo, and I was prepared for it. The side gunners were just happy they were able to live through the crafts’ first laser strike. However, they still had alot longer to go. I peeled off from the engagement as two US Army AH-64D Apache Longbows moved in to finish my work.
I moved along the crisscrossing highways that the civvies never used. The highways were for Red Star trade between the countries of said treaty.
“SABER Actual, this is command. You are going to be delivering the experimental weapons to SEAL Team One. They will be popping Red Smoke when you’re in view. Also, be advised, the Colonel you’re after is also in the area. As soon as you get the supplies dropped off, I’ll let you go after him, but without your squad. They’re tied up in assaulting the Red Star second line of defense.”
“Roger, SEAL Team One is going to be popping Red Smoke, uh, whats my callsign? Same as before?”
“Affirmative. Out.”
I met little resistance, save for a RPG-50 incoming warning every now and then, but hey, that’s what Electronically Warfare equipment is for, right? Within a short amount of time, I saw red smoke, and I began to clear myself an LZ with the lasers, the GAU 19’s and a few Hydra rockets. They feel back to a more defensible position as I began to come to a hover 5 feet off the ground. The Marine gunner facing the SEALs began to hand them the cases as the other opened up on the retreating Red Star forces. As soon as the last box was loaded off, the gunner pounded on the side, the notification to get going. I moved up, and out of the SEALs line of fire. I looked around at my cockpit, and saw my ACR and M30A2 Railgun. I had swapped out my Massoud for it. I began my way out of the combat airspace, and into the morning sun so I could drop off the UH-102 back at the FOB to refit the heilo, and to get me back into ground combat so I could take out the SOB who executed my squad-mates.
I landed, and got out. I grabbed my weapons, and I jogged to a UH-60 about to take off, some US Army Rangers aboard it.
“You guys going behind the lines?”
“Yes sir!” The lieutenant of the bunch said.
“Well, it looks like I’m joining you, then.” I said, taking the last unoccupied seat. Normally, it would have been occupied, but the squad lost a man back at the battle for Odintsovo, Russia. I loaded my ACR, and racked it as the Blackhawk began to rise into the air. The two gunners had M134Es. The Rangers each had FN SCAR variants, the LT with an ACR. They were pretty quiet, knowing that with the force they were going up against, some of them wouldn’t make it. I put a new 2 round mag into my M30A2, and let it charge up. The battery for it was a mix of Fallen, and Human materials, giving it the ability to hold as much power as 10 car battery's in something the size of a toy car. And the battery on this thing is the size of two bricks. Its a good thing that its hyper efficient to charge, utilizing very little power over the minute it takes to charge the electromagnetic coils that wrap around the barrel. Each battery lasted about 500 shots. I looked out at the cratered outsides of Pyongyang. Several B-2 Sprit bombers and A-10C’s flew by, B-2’s doing their last runs for tonight. The B-2’s obviously alot higher than us, or the A-10C’s. Several CCOF M10A2’s were on the streets as we flew through, massive 225mm cannons pounding them. Several A-1F’s droned by, only to be taken out my Red Star MiG-35’s doing pass by’s. Several F-22’s moved into to engage as well.
I looked at several destoryed SAM sites, along with a destroyed ZPU-5 AA Gun. I glanced at an active AA battery. It turned to face us as we came into view. I tried to get my railgun up to take it out, but the weapon was already firing its rounds on us.
“Command, this is Cyclops One-Seven, we are going down, I repeat, we are going down. Send assist!” The pilot said as we smashed into the ground.