"I swear to drunk I'm not God..."


here is one
"An officer pulls a old lady over. When he reaches her window he states, "Ma'am, I caught you speeding in this area, may I see your license and registration please?" The old lady looked at him for a moment and shook her head, "No.." The officer then asked, "Why not?" The woman replied, "Because I stole this car and the owner is tied up in the trunk.." fearing for someone's safety, the officer calls for backup. The chief of police soon arrives next to the old lady's car window, stating, "Ma'am, may I see the license and registration for this vehicle." She reached to her glove compartment and pulls out a few papers and hands it to the chief. After looking at it, he realizes that her identity matches the registration. He then asks, "Ma'am, can you open your trunk." He notices nothing but a spare tire, tire iron and a car jack. After a few moments of checking it out he returns to her window and says, "Ma'am I am confused, my officer told me that you had stolen this car and the owner was locked in the trunk..." The old lady looks him dead in the eye, "Yeah, I bet that liar told you I was speeding too..." "

anti-joke Squylon.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind!

A word to those with wisdom, if you have the courage to look at the following link, then you have the power to look at anything!!!!!!!!!!!!

To Adult Link

*squint*
I see what you did there.

*facepalm*

Hey gang! What did the food critic say when his meal was too spicy?

"I cayenne't stand it!"

"What's the big--I say, what's the big idea chasin' my worm? You're a cat, son--cats don't eat worms! You're takin' the food right outta my mouth! I don't go around chasin' mice! Stand up, boy, you're trippin' over your own feet. Now you stay away from worms, and I'll stay away from mice! That's fair and square, and if you'd stop all your arguin' and jawin', you'd see my side of it! Yap, yap, yap! Keep that mouth flappin' and do no listenin'! There's nothin' worse than a blabbermouth cat!"

"Gimme that! Who d'ya think ya are, George Washington? *BONK* Huh! There's no cherry trees around here."

"What're ya do--I say, what're ya doin' with a pump, pumpin' for oil? You're crazy, boy! There's no oil in this ground! Stand up, son, you're fallin' all over yourself! There's no oil 500 miles o' here! Geology o' the ground's all wrong! Even if there WAS oil, you'd need a DRILL, not a tire pump! Now you're down again, ya gotta learn to stand on your own feet, boy! I may not always be around to help ya! Boy's got a mouth like a cannon--always shootin' it off!"

"What kept--I say, what kept ya, son?! I can't hold my breath forever! I'm not a fish! I gotta have AIR! My lungs CRAVE air! Ya gotta think of things like that, boy! BLBLBLLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL--little consideration for me! Lyin' down again! I don't wanna be hoggish about this, so I'll tell ya what--let's dee-vide the worm! Now we'll draw--I say, we'll draw a line and BI-sect him! Now all on that side o' the line is yours, I'll take all on this side! Well, barbecue my ham hocks! Your half is gone! Now don't--I say, don't gimme no lip, son, ya gotta stick by yer bargain! I'd do the same. Well, hog gravy and chitlins! MY half is gone! I--I--I--I know what yer gonna say, son! When two halves is gone, there's nothin' left--and you're RIGHT! It's a little ol' worm that wasn't there! Two nothin's is nothin'! That's mathematics, son! You can argue with me but ya can't argue with figures! Two half nothin's is a WHOLE nothin'! And I know what I'm talkin' about because--"
"AHHHHHHH, SHUT UP!!!"
"Okay, I'll shut up. I'm not one that has ta keep talkin'. Some fellas just hafta keep their mouths flappin', but not me. I was brought up right! My pa usedta tell me to shut up, and I'd shut up! I wouldn't say NOTHIN'! One time darn near STARVED to death! WOULDN'T TELL 'IM I WAS HUNGRY!!!"

another pun from Jason Ritter's Twitter- "I was going to teach a class about making tightropes out of wet noodles, but then I realized that some things just can't be taut."

Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's 0k now.

a woman said she met me at the vegetarian's club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

pilot joke
cessna 172 landed on runway, then pilot made 180 turn to park.
Air traffic control Tower said, "hey no 180 is allowed in runway."
pilot replied, "so what? I'm 172.

A man was spending a lazy Sunday afternoon with his wife. The man was feeling hungry, but he had just gotten comfortable in his recliner, so he said to his wife, "Honey, could you bring me some milk and cookies?" His wife stared at him in shock and disgust. "What did you just say?"

"I just wanted some milk and cookies."

"You pig! I can't believe you. I'm going to my mother's." The man's wife stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind her, leaving her husband quite confused. A short time later, he decided to call his mother-in-law, to see if she could shed some light on the situation. "What did you say to my daughter?" the woman asked when she picked up.

"That's what's got me confused!" the man said. "I just told her I wanted some milk and cookies."

"You sick son of a - you stay away from my daughter!" And with that, the mother-in-law hung up. The man, now completely lost, decides to go down to the local bar to drown his sorrows. He takes a seat and orders a few beers. After a while, the bartender comes over. "Hey, bud, what's got you down?" he asked. The man told him it trouble with his wife. The bartender nodded knowingly. "Ah, I see. What happened? Argument at home?"

"That's just it," the man said. "All I did was tell her I wanted some milk and cookies." Almost immediately, the bartender froze. Then, he reached under the counter, pulled out a shotgun, and set it down on the bar. "I suggest you leave. We don't like your kind here."

The man left in a hurry, went to cross the street, and was hit by a bus.

What's the moral of the story?

Look both ways before you cross the street.

why didn't Russian cross the road?
Because in Soviet Russia, Road Crosses you!

Obligatory joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
one has claws at the end of its paws, while the other is a pause at the end of a clause

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
He was a fungi

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

What do you get when you mix a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite
What did the clock do when it got hungry?
It went back four seconds