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Caffeine's Origin 
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Post Caffeine's Origin
So yeah, this is a little bit of a fanfic/rp-thing that mulled around in my head. It's inspired by an actual tragedy which sadly didn't have a happy ending. More on that later though.


It was a warm, sunny day. Caffeine and Fizzy were hanging out, layed out upon some small hill as they watched the clouds go by above them. Caffeine reached into the inside pocket of the old jacket she wore to take out a package of cat treats to nibble on and share with her friend.

Fizzy looked over at Caffeine and hmmed softly, "Say Caffeine, um there's been something I've been meaning to ask you."

Caffeine loked over at Fizzy and tossed a treat at him with a grin, "Yeah? Well ask away."

Fizzy caught the treat and promptly popped it in his mouth with a purr, "Mmm well see I've been wondering. Why exactally is it that you love your owner?"

Caffeine's eyes went wide with a bit of fear and concern, "How... Did you know?"

Fizzy smiled warmly as he reached over to pet one of Caffeine's ears, "We're friends, I watch out for you and I.. se things. Don't worry I won't tell anyone though. I'm just curious as to the why is all."

Caffeine nodded softly and sighed as she looked back up to the sky, "Well to get to the why I'll have to tell you how dad and I first met."

"It all happened some time ago. See dad works at this place called a redemption center, a place where the uhmans bring back their empty cans and bottles and get money for them. Anywho, back when I was a little kitten, barely weaned, I belonged to some really mean humans. They often smelled of sick and would yell at me all the time. Some times I wouldn't even get dinner or anything.. I thought it was all going to change one day when they acted all nice to me. They said something about playing a game, and I trusted them. They stuffed me in a bag and buried me in stinky cans. I had no idea how long I was stuck in thee, but I remember being really sad, crying out while my belly grumbled. And it was cold. So very cold." Caffeine sniffed and closed her eyes as she fought back tears, "Then there was the stink of car exhaust and I was moving. After some time the movement came to an end and I heard humans talking. The bag was moved again, but by then i was far too weak t even mewl for help. The bag was opened and the light caused me to shut my eyes at first. Then I saw him, he gently picked me up and bundled me in his jacket. He growled some words at the humans that had owned me and took me away. I passed out soon after though. When I came to, I was still bundled in his jacket and he was busy trying to keep me warm and feed me. He was so kind, so gentle, I cried. That he was so different from my former owners, it made my little heart swell. He took me in and raised me, became dad." Caffeine smiled as she opened her eyes to look to the sky, her arms reached up before she hugged herself, "It was from that time that I knew who my true love was. I owe him my life and want to be with him forever. Heh, in fact this jacket I wear is the same jacket dad used to warm me up and help nurse me back to health."

Fizzy just stared at Caffeine, ears flattened as he listened. "Wow..." he looked back up to the sky and smiled as he thought to himself, 'You're one lucky cat. Atleast I know why now.. Your secret's safe with me..'

"Oh hey look! That one's a marshmallow!" squealed Caffeine as she pointed up to a cloud.


(Okay, so the tragedy that inspired this. A couple winters ago I was working at the window where people drop off their bags of cans and bottles. Anyway this one shady looking drunk type dropped off a bag of frozen cans which I reluctantly started counting. In the bottom there were two kittens frozen. There was nothing I could've done except give them a proper burial when I got out of work. Wether it was an accident or done on purpose, I'll never forgive the guy for his carelessness. Simply put, certain people should never be allowed to have pets. This story is dedicated to you Miska and Mooski, kittens that never had a chance because of human stupidity.)

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Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:35 pm
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Post Re: Caffeine's Origin
I agree with your simply put statement. However had that been me at the drop off window, I'd have jumped out and beaten the drunkard to death with his own bloody stumps that used to be his arms.
I don't like animal abusers...In fact I hate them, I lost one of my cats to a stupid gang of kids thinking they were funny.
I showed them the funny side of a .22

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Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:07 pm
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Post Re: Caffeine's Origin
Raikoo wrote:
It's inspired by an actual tragedy which sadly didn't have a happy ending.

Tragedies don't have happy endings or else they are not tragedies, so that sentence made me giggle. x'3



Critical time. I'd like to first warn you that everyone says to me that I'm really really mean when I'm serious, so I'm telling you right now none of this is meant to make you look bad or meant to make you feel bad or meant to be bad. Or I could sum it up in two words: 'no offense'. But still. It's not meant to be mean, and I'm genuinely sorry if I come across that way.

Okay, now: on the more simple side of things it could have used proof reading. There were plenty of typographical errors in there (e.g. "I watch out for you and I.. se things" - in which there is a double instead of triple ellipse which is grammatically incorrect, as well as missing the second E of see - both just ordinary typo material), a few grammar mistakes that weren't typographical ('layed' isn't actually a word, 'lain' is what you'd use in that case - lay versus lie [note: not lie as in a fib or untruth, 'cause that's different again] is really annoying by the way, use this if you need. I've actually found it really helpful). There were also a couple of really technical grammar mistakes (you put, to name a couple, 'in' where it needed 'into', or 'to' instead of 'at').

On the side of the actual story and the writing - I like it. The only part I don't like is how the majority of the actual story is a story told by a character in the story. I've never liked that, nor have most people I know. It seems a pointless thing to do. Good first-person stories are actually pretty rare because of it. Like, you'd think it was the easiest to write, but it's difficult to do it properly (you really can't show a lot of the story because you're only able to show one view), and a majority of books are written in second. Though, I liked the little part at the end - you can actually see some of Fizzy's irritation and jealousy of the father. Ears flattened, and the one word reply. The fact you included a reaction to the story makes up for the story-in-story thing, because there's actually something more there, even if it is just a short little addition.

It would be a billion times better if you had included a lot more describing in it - don't be afraid to abuse adjectives and use adjectival phrases. They make things surprisingly better. The stories that mention, say, a "tribe of angrily hissing fat black cats" are better than those that mention just a "bunch of cats". As for the phrases - a story that talks about "wiry pot plants, the kinds that look like paintbrushes and that everyone seems to avoid because if you get too close the plant scratches them and make their leg itchy" (that was a really good book actually, pretty funny - but that's not a direct quote) are better than the ones that mention "wiry paintbrush pot plants that scratch you". Y'know?

Colloquial language and words that aren't real words are really good in speech, but really bad in the actual text. If you actually use things that aren't words in the text (and even in speech people get weird about it sometimes), put single quotes around them or put them in italics. 'Hmmed' was a bit weird there, for example.

Sorry. That's just a bunch of blah. As far as the story itself goes, I liked it. It was a very good story. Everything I've said is just on the method of getting it across. The story itself was wonderful, and I enjoyed reading it. c: Thank you for putting it up here.



As far as the little side-story at the bottom goes:
1) You made an assumption about his character. Haha, sorry. It's fair enough, it does provide a picture. Should use descriptions like that in your writing. ;3
2) If he really was a shady drunk type of person, like how he looked... they usually actually aren't bad people (all in all), they just don't deal with things properly (hence becoming, in a way, a drunk in the first place) and are as such ostracized from society. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually had noone who'd even consider him long enough for him to give them to, nor knew of an animal shelter to take them to before they died. People don't seem to like the shady drunk kind of person - right? I doubt someone would kill two cats and then put them in a bag and then cover them with empty cans.
3) I appreciate that you noted it wasn't necessarily done on purpose, thank you for that. That was nice. Most people I know would just flat out assume he killed them because he's horrid and they'd hate him from the go.
Ahahaha, that second point included a billion absolutely lenient theories. Compared with what I just said, it's probably exactly as likely he killed the cats himself and shoved them down there. He's just as likely a complete I love you that completely deserves some kind of harsh punishment as it is possible he's a nice guy albeit unable to accept responsibility like most. You really can't judge character based on a description of how someone looks. It's even worse than judging character based on how someone looks. x'D

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Last edited by Ebly on Fri Dec 12, 2008 12:11 am, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Dec 09, 2008 2:23 am
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Post Re: Caffeine's Origin
Ebly wrote:
I've never liked that, not have most people I know.


:P if you harp on typo's don't make 'em yourself :P

Colloquial speech and the written form of the spoken word is the accepted language of the Internets, while I don't agree with chanspeek or lolspeak or l337Sp34|< or any other I love you English the bowels of the internet have to offer, if one doesn't have the time, nor the need\want to use proper grammar, i see no reason they should be chastised for using colloquialisms' or onomatopoeia's as they wish.
Yes.
Its a giant runon.
Fragments rock.
I put in enough effort to make it look like i tried, but in earnest... its the internet, WHO CARES?

*hearty packpat to ebly* IIITS THE EEEND OF THE WUURLD AS WEE KNOW IT!


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Wed Dec 10, 2008 9:49 am
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Post Re: Caffeine's Origin
daemonxblaze wrote:
Ebly wrote:
I've never liked that, not have most people I know.


:P if you harp on typo's don't make 'em yourself :P

Colloquial speech and the written form of the spoken word is the accepted language of the Internets, while I don't agree with chanspeek or lolspeak or l337Sp34|< or any other I love you English the bowels of the internet have to offer, if one doesn't have the time, nor the need\want to use proper grammar, i see no reason they should be chastised for using colloquialisms' or onomatopoeia's as they wish.
Yes.
Its a giant runon.
Fragments rock.
I put in enough effort to make it look like i tried, but in earnest... its the internet, WHO CARES?

*hearty packpat to ebly* IIITS THE EEEND OF THE WUURLD AS WEE KNOW IT!

Heeheehee~
I wasn't trying to be angry mean pooface, and I did kind of say that, so acting as if I'm run a marathon and needing to be calmed down is funny. x3

Anyway. I was more taking this as a semi-formal piece of creative literature and criticizing it as such. x'D
In other words I wasn't trying to be mean, I was trying to improve the writing quality. As far as the internet goes, aasgkdba. I don't care about whatever you can think of being used in everyday things. I'm not going to run around shouting at people in the Birthdays topic for using, say, lol. Or using the wrong 'laid'. Or what. It's just that this took time to make, and lots of thought went into it, so I'm trying more to improve it. I'm not saying it's completely rubbish or something. I'm taking time in an attempt to make the delivery of the creative idea even better. Not sure what part of that makes me seem angry on the internuts. ono

Of course it's the end of the world, silly! <3

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Fri Dec 12, 2008 1:17 am
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Post Re: Caffeine's Origin
Bwa ha! I finally get around to replying to all this crazyness. Anywho, Ebly's fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with constructive critizism when it's used to try and help someone better themselves. I know my typing grammer needs work, and I have a habit of typing suff and sending it before I realize there's stuff wrong with it.

Okie so the other stuff. Well the story within a story was a neccesary thing, it's a little something called a flashback sequence and is used quite often.
Also to the matter concerning 'hmmed' vs so-and-so said 'Hmm.' Again this is something commonly used in litterature becuase Hmm is both verb and a speakable word. Its actually quite interchangable.
And interesting to note that Ebly saw a bit of jealousy in Fizzy at the end of Caffiene's story. I had intended him to be in awe, ears flattened back and a single word reply to a story so intense I guess you could say, that he was simply overwhelmed by it. Though I guess I did leave it open to interpretation with the simple reply like that.
And lastly the note about the idiot that brought the bag that I mentioned, given the kind of people in my area, I definately would not have put it past him that he was responsible.. but then given the curious nature of kittens there's also that1 in 100 chance that they snuck in the bag to explore or what not but just couldn't get out and no one noticed that there were kittens in the bag.

Ah well atleast the story itself was enjoyable and in the end, isn't that all that matters?

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Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:31 pm
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Post Re: Caffeine's Origin
Raikoo wrote:
Bwa ha! I finally get around to replying to all this crazyness. Anywho, Ebly's fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with constructive critizism when it's used to try and help someone better themselves. I know my typing grammer needs work, and I have a habit of typing suff and sending it before I realize there's stuff wrong with it.

Okie so the other stuff. Well the story within a story was a neccesary thing, it's a little something called a flashback sequence and is used quite often.
Also to the matter concerning 'hmmed' vs so-and-so said 'Hmm.' Again this is something commonly used in litterature becuase Hmm is both verb and a speakable word. Its actually quite interchangable.
And interesting to note that Ebly saw a bit of jealousy in Fizzy at the end of Caffiene's story. I had intended him to be in awe, ears flattened back and a single word reply to a story so intense I guess you could say, that he was simply overwhelmed by it. Though I guess I did leave it open to interpretation with the simple reply like that.
And lastly the note about the idiot that brought the bag that I mentioned, given the kind of people in my area, I definately would not have put it past him that he was responsible.. but then given the curious nature of kittens there's also that1 in 100 chance that they snuck in the bag to explore or what not but just couldn't get out and no one noticed that there were kittens in the bag.

Ah well atleast the story itself was enjoyable and in the end, isn't that all that matters?

Flashback sequences are normal, yeah. I admit that that kind of thing is normal. I was wrong, really. I kind of treated it as a once-off thing and that was that. In the context of a longer thing (which it kind of is, 'cause that's only one part of the whole thing with them, right?) it's fine. I only hate it when in, say, a novel there's a few paragraphs at the start and then the story and then a few separate paragraphs at the end. Usually the paragraphs do nothing to enhance the actual story so it's kind of like... why have them there at all? That's why I didn't like the movie version of The Outsiders and stuff like that. It's a story within a story, but there's no story outside the story, you know? But that's not what's done here anyway so yeah. I was wrong to treat it like that, so sorry.
Pretty sure 'hmmed' wasn't a word, But I'll be sure to check up on that some time. x'3 I don't mind anyway.
I didn't mean for you to say 'he said hmm' instead, though, sorry. That would be a bit much, and compared to that, you'd be very right to use hmmed. Ffff either way I'm not entirely sure what I'm saying here do I'll stop. Not in thinking mood really.

...If that's what you intended, awe, then it really was a lot better than I made it out to be. It was meant to be awe but I saw jealousy, and I thought that it was oh so obviously jealousy and blah blah blah... well I was wrong. And it's really good that you managed to have me completely convinced it was one thing when it was actually another. That's a good thing, because as awe, it works just as well. So as I said. It's a lot better than I made it out to be.

And yeah. There's too many possibilities. But still, it's just as sad and tragic to find such a thing. =/ I'm sorry.

And yes the story was very enjoyable. n_n



pretty sure i say sorry too much. sorry for that.

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Fri Jan 02, 2009 4:46 pm
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