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Branching Out 
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Post Branching Out
Chapter 1







"You're gonna think I'm joking," said Vanilla.

"I can't until you tell me what you want to tell me," offered Honey.

"I've been offered a part in a commercial."

Honey cocked her head. "You're joking."

"Did I call it or what? But I'm not joking."

Honey's ears perked up. "Seriously?? Well, that's wonderful!"

Vanilla cringed. "It is NOT wonderful--it's scary! I have to look down the barrel of a camera knowing that it's gonna shoot me!"

"Hey, relax, Vanilla, it's a camera, not a gun!"

"I know...kibble, but millions of people will be watching my every move!"

She pulled her hood over her face.

Honey removed it. "Vanilla, how much of you can they see in thirty seconds?"

Vanilla folded her arms. "You'd be surprised what they can cram into half a minute these days. No wonder people's attention spans don't last longer than that of a goldfish anymore."

"Sorry, were you still talking?"

"NOT...funny."

Honey chortled. "Come on, I'm trying to kid you out of it! What's the commercial for?"

"Kibble."

"Come on, tell me!"

"I just did--Kibble. It's this new brand. It's called 'Collie Crackers'. They should have given you the part. In fact, I suggested that."

"Ooh, really?!?" cried Honey.

Vanilla nodded. "They said that's fine, but only if I do it too."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I'MGONNABEONTVI'MGONNABEONTVI'MGONNABEONTV!!!" Honey jumped up and down, shaking her fists.

Vanilla covered her ears. "I asked for the news, not the weather."

"I'm sorry--I'm just SO EXCITED!!!"

"I knew you would be--I suggested this because it's the only way I'll feel comfortable."

"Anything to help you, Vanilla--and to be on TV!!!"

Vanilla facepalmed herself. "Come on, let's just rehearse."

* * * * *

"Okay, hood down," said Honey through a megaphone.

"Forget it."

"Come on, Vanilla, they won't shoot you with your hood up!"

"This is only a rehearsal, not the real thing."

"Fine. Okay...lookin' beautiful...aaaaaaaand ACTION!!!"

Vanilla had her usual disinterested expression. She reached into the box, pulled out some Collie Crackers, and placed them in her mouth, chewing.

When she swallowed, she said her line.

"I hate Collie Crackers. I hate them so much because I can't stop eating them."

She took another bite, then said her next line.

"I'm going to keep right on eating them until either I love them or someone stops me."

Now it was Honey's turn to come on.

"Here I come to save the day!" said Honey, taking the box from Vanilla and munching down herself.

Vanilla said her last line. "I'm glad to have such a great big sister. I might have started loving Collie Crackers if she hadn't stepped in."

Now it was Honey's turn: "Collie Crackers--the dog snack you love to hate!"

"Kibble, this is stupid," said Vanilla, folding her arms.

"Why? You said they wanted to go for funny. I think it's very funny."

"It is NOT funny, it's exploitative. Look at the cheesy dialogue: they might as well be talking about an illegal drug that I'm addicted to and you're 'saving' me by taking it yourself."

"Hey! Come on, don't ruin this!"

"What's to ruin? It's the same stupid gimmick they do in breakfast cereal commercials. When was the last time you saw a cereal commercial with morally uplifting role models?"

Honey thought for a moment. "That would be the twelfth...of never."

"My point exactly."

"Well...maybe you could talk to the director about it."

Vanilla pulled her hood over her face. "I'm afraid to."

"Then I'll talk to him. Meanwhile, let's at least make sure we've got our lines right. Once more from the top!"

"Kibble...."

"That's the spirit!" said Honey. "Action!"

"I'm getting sick of these already...."

"I said 'action'!"

Vanilla took a handful and said her line. "I hate Collie Crackers. I hate them so much because I can't stop eating them...."

* * * * *

Honey groaned. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Not on me, you're not," moaned Vanilla. "Did we have to keep eating those things each time we rehearsed?"

"In retrospect, probably not the wisest idea."

"In retrospect, in every 'spect'."

Honey clutched her stomach. "Okay, that's enough rehearsal for today. We'll pick it up tomorrow, and this time we won't eat those Crollie Crackers--Collie Cackers--Cackle--Cruller--Crickets--Criminently, I can't even say the name anymore!"

"Col-lie Crack-kers."

"I knew that."

Vanilla grumbled to herself. "I never should have agreed to this. The only reason I did was to save some other poor pup from having to do it."

Honey chuckled. "Here you came to save the day...."

"Please don't sing that. It's copyrighted anyway--you're not supposed to sing the same tune."

"I didn't write the script," said Honey. "If they wanna get sued by Mighty Mouse, that's their problem."

"Heh, then they can do a cartoon series about Mighty Mouse the attorney."

Honey giggled--then groaned, clutching her stomach again. "Excuse me: bathroom."

Vanilla clutched her mouth and tried to think of Philip Glass music.

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Sat Jul 13, 2013 1:04 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
So Vanilla's going to be on TV again, we'll see how this come out ;)

I wonder how Honey will differ from the Canine Cibble commercial that Sasha was on.

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Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:43 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
I agree, Collie Crackers do not sound enticing at all.

Wow, those pups are lucky... winning a contest to be on tv, then a commercial. I wonder how the director even found her, other than her previous tv spot maybe.

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Sat Jul 13, 2013 9:12 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
SQUEEEEEE! CAKES ON TV! :D :D :D :D
Ohh, this is so going to be their funniest adventure EVER!

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Sun Jul 14, 2013 1:35 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
Chapter 2







"Mr. Deseabie?" said Honey.

"Please, call me Milford," said the director.

Vanilla rolled her eyes. You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay.... she thought to herself, but didn't say aloud.

"Milford?" said Honey. "Vanilla has a concern regarding this commercial."

"What can I help you with, Vanilla?" said Milford.

You can start by not being creepy.... thought Vanilla to herself.

"Well...see, it's like this.... I'm not comfortable with the dialogue in the commercial."

"No problem, we'll change it," said Milford. "We want our star to be happy."

Vanilla's ears perked up. Was that it?

"Now, what seems to be the major problem?"

Vanilla shifted her weight from one foot to another. "Well, see...my character is talking about hating Collie Crackers because she can't stop eating them--"

"Yes, isn't it funny?"

Vanilla gritted her teeth, but hid them behind her lips. She wasn't finished yet.

"I just...I don't find it funny."

"Oh, come on! Would you really expect a dog who keeps eating something to hate it?"

"That's...not quite what I mean."

"You'll get it when you see yourself on the screen."

Vanilla bit down on her tongue. "I've actually seen myself in front of a mirror. That's not what I mean by not funny."

"Then you did laugh at it?"

"Kibble! Milford, I don't like the dialogue because it sounds like a commercial for an illegal drug!"

Everyone on the camera crew gasped, and then there was a long silence as everyone stared either at Vanilla or Milford.

The silence was broken by Milford chuckling. "You have a good sense of humor, Vanilla--that's what I like about you. When you've practiced it better you'll really be funny." Speaking through his microphone he said, "Okay, people, let's set up for the first take!"

Vanilla couldn't believe this man. He wasn't even listening. She had just said it sounded like a commercial for an illegal drug--and that was all he had to say about it?

* * * * *

"I hate Collie Crackers," said Vanilla.

"Good, good, now your next line."

"I hate them so much because they produce artificial highs, and the blues you get afterward are unbearable."

"Cut!" said Milford. "Heh, Vanilla, sweetie, honey, babe, you're very funny, but we'll play later, 'kay?"

"I was ad-libbing," said Vanilla. "Saying the same thing that was written but in a new way."

"Later, 'kay?" said Milford, as though Vanilla hadn't said anything. "Take two."

Vanilla groaned. She didn't feel this sick when she ate too many Collie Crackers.

"Action!"

Vanilla took a handful of Collie Crackers and ate them.

"I hate Collie Crackers. I hate them so much because the company that makes them is unscrupulous."

"Cut!"

Milford stepped forward. "Vanilla, you're very funny, and you can ad-lib if you want, but this is getting silly. Now, from the top."

"I'm trying to explain something here."

"Take three!"

"Kibble!"

Vanilla clenched her fists. What was she going to do now?

"Action!"

"I hate Collie Crackers. I hate them because they make you deaf, like Milford Deseabie here."

"CUT!"

Milford walked right up to Vanilla and bent down. "I'm beginning to see why you don't see the humor in the script. You're getting less and less funny. Now, if you say the line as written, you'll be really funny. 'Kay?"

"Drugs aren't funny, Milford."

"We're not talking about drugs."

"I was."

"Let's focus on the point here. You're not saying your lines as written. This would go a lot faster if you would just do that. 'Kay?"

He left her without saying a word. Vanilla was fuming.

"Milford?" said Honey. "I think Vanilla's trying to tell you something."

"She's trying to tell me she's uncooperative and lacks a sense of humor," said Milford dismissively.

"No, Milford," said Honey, "she thinks it isn't funny to exploit addiction in a commercial."

Milford came right up to Honey and bent low. "Collie Crackers are our product. We're trying to sell our product so we can make the money back. We're doing that by using humor. Take four!"

He went back to his chair.

Honey couldn't believe this.

"Action!"

Vanilla took the box of Collie Crackers and literally dumped the contents onto the floor.

"CUT, CUT, CUT!!!"

Milford stormed over and glowered into Vanilla's face. Vanilla was terrified that he was going to clobber her.

"That comes out of your paycheck, Miss Cake. Cleanup!"

The janitor came to clean up, giving Vanilla a dirty look as he did so.

"All right, places for take five!"

"No, Milford."

"Places!"

"NO, Milford."

"Action!"

Vanilla stormed off the set.

"CUT!!"

Vanilla rushed to the door but Milford blocked it.

"The stage is that way, dear," said Milford.

"I'm leaving."

"No one's leaving, we're not finished, and you're our star."

"I'm no star of yours! I will not do this commercial unless you change the dialogue!"

Milford chuckled as though Vanilla were a very small and inexperienced child.

"You signed a contract. You refuse to do the commercial and your owner gets sued. 'Kay?"

Vanilla couldn't believe this was happening. It was like a nightmare.

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Fri Jul 19, 2013 12:25 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
It's not that I am not sympathetic with Vanilla here. I totally appreciate her principles and all...but, honestly? That's just being silly, lady: The essence of marketing with food is to convey to the public the message that the stuff is good and you want to enjoy it -and of course that you don't get tired of it. It's not appealing to addiction! What kind of ads would it be if it said 'Meh, one bite will do thank you very much'?

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Fri Jul 19, 2013 2:03 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
I wonder if Daria Morgendorffer ever been in a situation like that before.

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Fri Jul 19, 2013 10:09 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
I must say Vanilla is taking things way too far. I mean, yeah, it could sound addictive, but it is not blatantly so... it is bad humor too.

The Director needs to speak a little better to them... I mean, strong arming a pet would look bad for a Dog food Company. :?

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Sat Jul 20, 2013 7:49 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Okay, how do I need to improve this so that Vanilla is in the right?

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Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:45 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Nothing, actually... it fits her personality to go overboard when she thinks an injustice is being done... Rather than "fixing" anything, you should make this a learning experience for her in the end... make her realize that there is a too much and she can overreact to things and imagine things being worse than they are.... that is what I would do anyway.

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Sat Jul 20, 2013 10:00 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
copper wrote:
Nothing, actually... it fits her personality to go overboard when she thinks an injustice is being done... Rather than "fixing" anything, you should make this a learning experience for her in the end... make her realize that there is a too much and she can overreact to things and imagine things being worse than they are.... that is what I would do anyway.


That would go completely against my whole point in writing this story. Vanilla's supposed to be in the right.

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Sun Jul 21, 2013 3:47 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
Collie Crackers are the best
Look delicious on your vest
Serve them to unwanted guests
Stuff the mattress with the rest!


If you want Vanilla to be in the right the original commercial needs to actually sound positively uncomfortable, but the producers are playing it off "like a joke". "Implying" that it's like a drug isn't quite enough because it makes Vanilla sound like she's taking a joke too seriously.

You would HAVE to make the original script objectively more uncomfortable than a regular Coco Puffs commercial.

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Sun Jul 21, 2013 8:26 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
Yeah, the script is on the same level of Pringles in terms of a drug reference.... you really need to make it more overt in it's connection to make her in the right here. The current script just has her saying she cannot stop eating it and that is it. People say that about chocolate in normal conversation.

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Sun Jul 21, 2013 11:06 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
rickgriffin wrote:
Collie Crackers are the best
Look delicious on your vest
Serve them to unwanted guests
Stuff the mattress with the rest!


If you want Vanilla to be in the right the original commercial needs to actually sound positively uncomfortable, but the producers are playing it off "like a joke". "Implying" that it's like a drug isn't quite enough because it makes Vanilla sound like she's taking a joke too seriously.

You would HAVE to make the original script objectively more uncomfortable than a regular Coco Puffs commercial.


Wow, I don't think you've ever commented on one of my stories before! :shock: Thank you!

But--But--Cocoa Puffs commercials aren't already uncomfortable enough? I'm disillusioned!



And I can't exactly make an overt reference to drugs in the commercial, can I?



The whole point of this was to do a satire of breakfast cereal commercials, and everyone's telling me that Vanilla's overreacting, when the point was that she was supposed to be in the right and the director isn't listening to her. How am I supposed to fix it so that she is without having actual drug references or sexual innuendo in the commercial, which I don't want to do?

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Sun Jul 21, 2013 11:44 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
Well, maybe make it not so flat? I mean, the whole commercial is spoken so matter of factly that Vanilla sounds bored with liking collie crackers rather than not wanting to like them...

I mean, right now the commercial is a little unsettling if you think about it A LOT... kids or young pups, and even adult pets might not get that aspect of it, which is completely unintentional.

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Sun Jul 21, 2013 12:27 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
copper wrote:
Well, maybe make it not so flat? I mean, the whole commercial is spoken so matter of factly that Vanilla sounds bored with liking collie crackers rather than not wanting to like them...

I mean, right now the commercial is a little unsettling if you think about it A LOT... kids or young pups, and even adult pets might not get that aspect of it, which is completely unintentional.


Any concrete suggestions?

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Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:46 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Forget it. This was meant to be a cathartic exercise but it's just proven hypocritical. I think this story is, as of now, terminated. :(

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Sun Jul 21, 2013 6:00 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Sorry, I did not mean to turn you off from the project... please continue it. :(


I feel bad now.

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:17 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
copper wrote:
Sorry, I did not mean to turn you off from the project... please continue it. :(


I feel bad now.


No, please don't feel bad. :( It isn't your fault specifically.

At first I wanted to correct it, but it's just turned out badly. I was feeling as though no one was listening to me (outside of this forum, I'm not talking about anyone commenting here), and I wrote it to get out my frustrated feelings, and to satirize cereal commercials. But when not just one person but literally everyone who commented disagreed with me, I began to fear I'd gone wrong somewhere. I wanted to correct it.

But now I realize I've proven a hypocrite, and I don't really care enough about it anymore. The main thing wasn't to do this particular story anyway, just to do something non-romantic for a change.

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:47 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
Well, alright. I am glad I was not the only cause of you quitting. You are a good writer and hope to see more from you soon! :D

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:53 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
copper wrote:
Well, alright. I am glad I was not the only cause of you quitting. You are a good writer and hope to see more from you soon! :D


You weren't the only one to post and say that Vanilla was overreacting. When valerio said that, and no one else had, I thought of saying that he missed the point completely--but when everyone else said the same thing I began to fear that the problem lay with me rather than him.

I'm sorry that the first time Rick felt motivated to comment on one of my stories was to say something critical. I like to hear positive feedback too, to know what I'm doing right, not just what I'm doing wrong.

Anyway, thanks for the compliment! :D I'd like to do more, if I can get an idea. I want to get away from shipping for once and write about something real.

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:57 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
you speak as if you write nothing but shipping, when you already do get away from shipping when you do things like Vanilla in Wonderland and the Cake Sisters' Logs. maybe you could do something along those lines again. or follow a character other than the Cake sisters like you did with Apple and Sunbow.

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 3:11 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
RandomGeekNamedBrent wrote:
you speak as if you write nothing but shipping, when you already do get away from shipping when you do things like Vanilla in Wonderland and the Cake Sisters' Logs. maybe you could do something along those lines again. or follow a character other than the Cake sisters like you did with Apple and Sunbow.

This!
You gave us a wide insight view of the cake sisters with and without shipping. And doing an excellent job every time! I was puzzled about one single arc, the superpowers thing, but I always loved your job.
And Rick commenting you? Grab that ball and feel inspired to keep on going, if you drew his attention to the point of giving suggestions! That happens only with the best ones!

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 4:32 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
@Brent: I know, but I kind of wanted to get away from shipping because of the last few stories I'd written. Well, we'll see.

@valerio: Thank you for saying so! You mean "Vanilla the Bully"? Well, I appreciate that you always loved it! :D

Well, I do want to keep writing, just not necessarily this particular story. I'm reminded too much of bad situations from the Radiant Gardens RPG that I got involved in and didn't like.

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 11:23 am
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Post Re: Branching Out
I apologize if the only thing I said was negative, it's a bad habit of mine . . . I meant to expand a bit more but I didn't have the time.

I commented because I do understand your approach to this story and I really like the premise behind it. This is one of the reasons I decided it was necessary for a story to "speak for itself". Maintaining character sympathy can be a tricky business; there's a little give and take. That doesn't meant you need to compromise your original idea, just make the main character reasonable and the world they're interacting with less reasonable.

I understand your frustration with cereal commercials. I just think the disconnect lies where most people automatically put up a "filter" when it comes to those kinds of commercials: we don't "think" of them as being veiled drug references, and if we do it's just part of the joke. Because in the end it is about plausible deniability; "addiction" is a "good" thing for a commercial product because we don't think of it like REAL addiction.

That's why I say it has to be more over-the-top than a coco puffs commercial: everyone who has seen one has already written it off as not serious. So for it to work, that "layer" of not-taking-this-serious we've put up needs to be chipped at. You don't have to ACTUALLY make it about drugs, just have the commercial insinuate a LITTLE farther by tying the commercial to more negative addiction themes than coco puffs commercials do.

It would help is Vanilla also tries to be reasonable about it instead of shutting it down ENTIRELY from the outset, like "Okay, MAYBE it isn't so bad", tries to go along with it . . . then she comes to the next section of the commercial that's just a little farther so she HAS to be like, "Oh come on! How is that not a veiled drug reference?!"

Uncomfortable things which could play into the commercial but aren't strictly "drugs":
A shady treats dealer in a back alley
Stealing money in order to buy more treats
"Withdraw symptoms" (coo coo for coco puffs!, or puffy red eyes, or what have you)
A halfway house for treats
Being busted by a K-9 officer for treats possession

Not necessarily in that order; I would try to organize the commercial so it escalates, and also try to make them "zany" or "softened" ("it's not actually a halfway, house, it's a _____!" "It's exactly like a halfway house!" "No it isn't! It doesn't have ____!") in the context of the commercial so everything can believe it's just being played for laughs.

(Of course, I did try this with catnip once . . . it turns out actually depicting smoking is crossing the line, so don't do something like melting a treat in a spoon and injecting it)

Again, I like the premise behind the story. If you want to continue it, I hope my thoughts help you find a way to maintain protagonist sympathy like you wanted.

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Post Re: Branching Out
rickgriffin wrote:
I apologize if the only thing I said was negative, it's a bad habit of mine . . .


Apology accepted--I suffer from the same bad habit. Usually I only say good things if something particularly stands out to me--otherwise I either say nothing or I mention a criticism that particularly bothers me.

But thank you for at least commenting! I was not aware of whether you were reading anything I'd written!

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:30 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Ack, I edited my comment to give you the overview you wanted. I hope I helped! Off to the dentist!

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:45 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
rickgriffin wrote:
I apologize if the only thing I said was negative, it's a bad habit of mine . . . I meant to expand a bit more but I didn't have the time.

I commented because I do understand your approach to this story and I really like the premise behind it. This is one of the reasons I decided it was necessary for a story to "speak for itself". Maintaining character sympathy can be a tricky business; there's a little give and take. That doesn't meant you need to compromise your original idea, just make the main character reasonable and the world they're interacting with less reasonable.

I understand your frustration with cereal commercials. I just think the disconnect lies where most people automatically put up a "filter" when it comes to those kinds of commercials: we don't "think" of them as being veiled drug references, and if we do it's just part of the joke. Because in the end it is about plausible deniability; "addiction" is a "good" thing for a commercial product because we don't think of it like REAL addiction.

That's why I say it has to be more over-the-top than a coco puffs commercial: everyone who has seen one has already written it off as not serious. So for it to work, that "layer" of not-taking-this-serious we've put up needs to be chipped at. You don't have to ACTUALLY make it about drugs, just have the commercial insinuate a LITTLE farther by tying the commercial to more negative addiction themes than coco puffs commercials do.

It would help is Vanilla also tries to be reasonable about it instead of shutting it down ENTIRELY from the outset, like "Okay, MAYBE it isn't so bad", tries to go along with it . . . then she comes to the next section of the commercial that's just a little farther so she HAS to be like, "Oh come on! How is that not a veiled drug reference?!"

Uncomfortable things which could play into the commercial but aren't strictly "drugs":
A shady treats dealer in a back alley
Stealing money in order to buy more treats
"Withdraw symptoms" (coo coo for coco puffs!, or puffy red eyes, or what have you)
A halfway house for treats
Being busted by a K-9 officer for treats possession

Not necessarily in that order; I would try to organize the commercial so it escalates, and also try to make them "zany" or "softened" ("it's not actually a halfway, house, it's a _____!" "It's exactly like a halfway house!" "No it isn't! It doesn't have ____!") in the context of the commercial so everything can believe it's just being played for laughs.

(Of course, I did try this with catnip once . . . it turns out actually depicting smoking is crossing the line, so don't do something like melting a treat in a spoon and injecting it)

Again, I like the premise behind the story. If you want to continue it, I hope my thoughts help you find a way to maintain protagonist sympathy like you wanted.


Thank you very much for the advice! I'm glad you understand and like it!

Honestly, I think this would have to be a total do-over, though, if I were to do it as you say. I'm not sure if I want to do that or not. What you say does make sense, though. And I have seen commercials--not for cereals, but other things--that definitely go over the top. They discourage sharing, they use sexual innuendos for non-sex-related things, etc. And don't get me started on GEICO.

I guess I could have it be making fun of "say no to drugs" commercials, as those were done badly when I was growing up too.... You know, "Kids, just say no to Collie Crackers"--and they can't do it, no matter how hard they try?

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 1:55 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
ChewyChewy wrote:
I guess I could have it be making fun of "say no to drugs" commercials, as those were done badly when I was growing up too.... You know, "Kids, just say no to Collie Crackers"--and they can't do it, no matter how hard they try?


Yes, THAT would be appropriately uncomfortable on two accounts--one, because it's definitely framing Collie Crackers like a vice, and two, it'd be prompting (young, presumably) viewers to subvert real drug PSAs (Even IF they're kind of ham-handed to begin with).

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 2:37 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Actually, what I should probably do (semi-joking here) is a parody of Orson Welles's "Frozen Peas" commercials. This would be family-friendly, though.

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Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:40 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Honey: Ready, Vanilla?

Vanilla: Not really, but let's get through this anyway. I don't want to have to do it again.

Honey: Okay, aaaaand...action!

Vanilla: "We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire, where Mrs. Buckley lives. Every July, peas grow there." Are you serious?

Honey: Yes, that's fine, but--could you maybe start half a second later than you did?

Vanilla: Why? I thought the joke was saying the word "July" while we're looking at a snowbank. Wasn't that the point?

Honey: Well, if you could just--ahaheh--if you could say it almost right as it moves on to the next shot. See, that way it makes more--

Vanilla: I was working under the presumption that the humor lay in the juxtaposition of the snow and "every July peas grow there". We're not even in the fields anymore. We're talking about peas growing and she's already picked them. Wasn't that the point of the joke?

Honey: "Every July."

Vanilla: Pardon? I don't understand--at what point do you want me to say "July"?

Honey: Well, when we're out of the field.

Vanilla: But I was out of the field already. By the time I said "every July" we'd moved on to a dish of peas.

Honey: Sorry. Just--could you emphasize the word "every"?

Vanilla: "Every July?"

Honey: Yeah, like that.

Vanilla: Why? That doesn't even make sense. I'm sorry, but the inflections of the English sentence don't allow for a native speaker to begin a sentence with a preposition and emphasize it. Would you get me a jury and explain how it's possible? To do that--if you could just show me how, I'll--I'll eat my hood. Forgive me, but that's just stupid. "Every July"? That's just impossible.

Honey: I think they were just thinking they didn't want to--

Vanilla: They weren't thinking, that's the problem.

Honey: Can we just do it once more? And it was my own fault.

Vanilla: Too much directing going on.

Honey: Let's just move on. Fish Fingers.

Vanilla: *sigh* Fish Finger, Norway, Fish Finger.... "We know a certain fjord in Norway, near where the cod gather in great shoals. There, Jan Stan--Stan--'Stanglidan'--"--shoot, I messed it up again!

Honey: Can you get it just a fraction more on the "shoals"? You rolled it around very nicely.

Vanilla: Yeah, roll it around and I'm out of time--you have no idea what's going on here. This is only correct because it's grammatical--but it's too tough on the ear and the tongue. It's too unpleasant to read, and it's wearisome. Nothing is worth this. "Because Findus freeze the cod at sea and then add a crumb, crisp"--er--"a crumb, crisp coating." KIBBLE! "Crumb...crisp...coating." You need to break that up. It works on paper but not conversationally.

Honey: Take "crumb" out.

Vanilla: Pardon?

Honey: Just "crisp coating".

Vanilla: Very good.

Honey: Look, let's just move along.

Vanilla: I'm doing this under protest. Here's "Beef Burgers." "We know a little place in the American Far West, where Charlie Briggs chops up the finest prairie-fed beef and tastes...." You do realize this is a load of tripe, yes? You want another take?

Honey: Actually, yes. You missed the first "beef" completely.

Vanilla: What do you mean? I said "beef"--how did I miss it?

Honey: But you emphasized "prairie-fed".

Vanilla: You can't want me to emphasize "beef"--that's like emphasizing "every" before July! Come on--I wouldn't direct someone in a Shakespeare play the way these commercials are being directed. This is impossible. The right reading is the one I'm giving it!

Honey: For the moment.

Vanilla: I heard that. Look, what do you want? In the depths of irrationality, what do you want? Because I can't deliver it--I'm just not seeing it.

Honey: That was fine, actually.

Vanilla: Of course it was. Nothing is worth this. This is just ridiculous....

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Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:59 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
No responses? :?

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Thu Sep 12, 2013 9:18 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Sorry, but I do not quite get the reference... is this the joke, or is it infinite nitpicking on the joke? Is this how the original reading went like? I do not understand it, and in my ignorance I am shamed! :cry:

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Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:45 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
copper wrote:
Sorry, but I do not quite get the reference... is this the joke, or is it infinite nitpicking on the joke? Is this how the original reading went like? I do not understand it, and in my ignorance I am shamed! :cry:


Good grief, that was supposed to make people LAUGH, not CRY! :(

It's based on a radio commercial Orson Welles did--it was meant to be a parody.

I didn't want this to be the last impression I gave on this forum....

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Mon Sep 16, 2013 7:32 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
What do you mean by last?

Also, I was trying, and failing, to be funny in my own way. It is interesting, I just did not get the reference.

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Mon Sep 16, 2013 9:43 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
copper wrote:
What do you mean by last?

Also, I was trying, and failing, to be funny in my own way. It is interesting, I just did not get the reference.


I mean I'm leaving the forums and I may not be back. I'm only here now to clarify why, and to gather my PM's, and to save what I had here, and now to respond to this question lest you go without an explanation.

Oh. I didn't get it, I'm sorry.

Please don't think that this thread is why I'm leaving--it isn't. I explain in the "Announcements of Leave and Return" part of it--though that's not all of it either, I can't say everything.

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Sat Sep 21, 2013 2:37 pm
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Post Re: Branching Out
Sorry to see you go...

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Sun Sep 22, 2013 6:21 pm
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