HOUSEPETS THE MOVIE

[Harry Johnathan]

NOTE: Quite a while back I made a post detailing the first page of a planned script for a "Housepets!"
fan-film. It didn't go the way I wanted it to (funny thing, it was actually the SECOND time I tried to write it-the first time, all the text just disappeared for some reason in the middle of writing), so I deleted the text. The post is still there, as well as replies, but I don't feel like going back to it; instead, I'm starting from scratch.

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE - SANDWICH HOUSE, Int.

PEANUT SANDWICH, age 12 (in pet years) is busy drawing his comic book SPOT, while his sister GRAPE (13) is asleep on the couch. A storm is brewing outside, and PEANUT looks out the window to see a lightning flash scare away a bird.

PEANUT: Graapppe!

(DRAMATIC LIGHTNING FLASH)

SCENE - HEAVEN'S COURT, Ext.

(A group of angels are carrying a cage, a very LARGE cage, inside of which is a very, very large and very, very bad blue gryphon named PETE.)

ANGEL #1: Bahamut! We caught PETE trying to escape again!

(A dramatic lightning strike.)

PETE: Squaw!

ANGEL #2: I don't get it, why does he keeps trying to escape paradise?

RANDOM KID: Ah, help me! He's got me!

(PETE, making gross growl like noises, clasps his beak onto a boy's shirt sleeve. ANGEL #3 slaps PETE'S beak away, and PETE promptly begins to choke; he spews out a Knight's helmet, covered in slime.)

ANGELIC JURY: (A collective, shocked gasp)

RANDOM KID (Holding helmet) Ew!

Bahamut, a draconic, dark scaled judge-like figure with an oversized helmet, halo like wings and a purple vizor, grabs a large manuscript entitled THE BOOK OF FATE

BAHAMUT: PETE the Gryphon, the younger brother of THE SPIRIT DRAGON

(A picture of DRAGON hangs on the wall of the court)

BAHAMUT (Cont.) And the Great Kitsune!

(KITSUNE'S picture, however, is torn in half...)

BAHAMUT: Brought here on charges of terrorizing mortals, using dark magic, inciting hysteria, creating false miracles...

PETE Coughs up a gold watch

BAHAMUT: ...and murder.

PETE: (Clears throat) Ok, Mr. Started-A-Cult, became Judge of Heaven, what'd you gonna do? Make me Mayor of New York City?

(A few ANGELS laugh. BAHAMUT gives them the death glare, and they shut up.)

BAHAMUT: No, beloved. Your punishment is gonna be far, far more severe.

(BAHAMUT stamps the Book of Fate)

BAHAMUT: Pete, my boy. I sentence you to eternal slumber in a tomb in Egypt.

(ANGELS start grabbing at PETE.)

PETE: You can't do this to me! You've done far worse things than me in the past, you weird whale!

BAHAMUT: Yeah, while there's a difference between you and me, son. I said I was sorry.

PETE: You'll really be sorry when I return, dragon judge!

(PETE laughs like a madman as he is loaded into what looks like a rocket. A rocket that crashes into...)

SCENE - A Temple in Egypt - Ext.

(A man is riding on a camel towards the temple)

HENRY MILTON: Perfect.

SCENE - RIVER RIDGE, MISSOURI

Marion Ward, a boy of 14, is busy on his paper+route for the Babylon Times. Marion throws papers to:

A cheerful JERRY ARBELT, who owns the neighborhood weirdo TIGER and a cat named MARVIN.

A thankful FIDO, a K9 officer who is pulled back into the house by SABRINA, his cat girlfriend.

And MILES, a wolf schoolteacher who waves to Marion.

MARION: Hey, Mr. Wolf!

MILES: Hi, Marion.

(MARION throws a paper to JUDAS HARTFORD, age 59, sporting a dirty, stained wife-beater shirt, ill-fitting underwear and the ugliest face this side of the primate exhibit at the zoo.)

HARTFORD: (Spots PEANUT, playing with his antique GAMEBOY COLOR on his porch.) Git! Shoo, boy.

(PEANUT has headphones; he doesn't respond.)

HARTFORD: (Slaps PEANUT's head with the paper, tears off his headset and then grabs him by the ear) I said, shoo boy!

PEANUT: Okay, sheesh!

(HARTFORD Spots GRAPE from the SANDWICH HOUSE window across the street, making an angry 'slit' notion across her neck.)

HARTFORD: Stupid cat. (SLAMS DOOR)

SCENE - HARTFORD HOUSE, Int.

HARTFORD: (Sits at the table, begins reading job pages) Sasha, get me my bacon.

SASHA: Coming right up, daddy!

HARTFORD: (Samples the food) It's cold! Who taught you how to cook! You're worthless!

SASHA: Sorry, daddy.

HARTFORD: Go stuff your sorries in a sack and grab me a beer.

SASHA: (Whispers as she grabs a can) I love you, daddy.

SCENE - THE WHITEMAN HOUSE, Ext.

Marion rides on his bicycle towards the house. It's been abandoned for years. Suddenly...

DELUSIONAL STEVE: (Pops out from the bushes with a goblin mask) Boo!

MARION: Ah! (Tears off mask) Not funny, Steve!

LOIS: (Walking towards them) It was kinda funny.

MARION: (Trying to act cool) Hey, gurllll...

STEVE: (Jokingly) Totally gross, dude. (Leaves)

LOIS: (Looks at WHITMAN HOUSE) Say, didn't this place used to be a pet shelter?

MARION: Yeah. (A cold chill spreads over him) The people working there went nuts one day, and well...

LOIS: ...killed all the pets.

(A harsh wind blows through the house)

[Harry Johnathan]

I serve Yahweh alone. Trust in the Holy Ghost, it's the only thing you have.+++777JEHOVAH
SCENE - SANDWICH HOUSE, int.

PEANUT: (Dies in his game: Super Mario Land 1) Drat!

GRAPE: (Hugs PEANUT) Welcome home, you idiot.

PEANUT: (Blushes lightly) Yeah. Welcome home, I guess.

(EARL and JILL enter)

JILL: PEANUT, we bought more batteries+oh, dear. What happened to your ear? It’s all bent and...

EARL: ...broken.

JILL: (Sarcastic) Thanks, Earl.

PEANUT: The mean guy across the street got mad at me for some reason and tried twisting my ears.

EARL: Judas Hartford? The guy’s an bubblegum, always has been. Ever since grade school.

CUT TO:

(A brief flashback with EARL sitting at his school desk eating his lunch when an obese and angry HARTFORD steals his sandwich, licks it, gives it back and starts laughing as EARL begins to cry.)

FLASHBACK ENDS

JILL: (Pauses, looks at EARL who’s acting like he's having a Vietnam Flashback) Okayyy, hon. Enough with the stories. (Looks at PEANUT) I’ll call Dr. Stanwick tommorow, baby. Make him take a look at that ear of your’s (Kisses PEANUT’S head.)

GRAPE: Ew, the vet.

PEANUT: (JILL LEAVES THE ROOM, whispers) I know, he’s creepy.

GRAPE: Creepy? Practically vampiric the way he looks at your neck right before sticking in a needle!

SCENE - HARTFORD HOUSE, Ext.

The K9 Sgt. RALPH is busy writing in his notepad; he spots HARTFORD

RALPH: Mr. Hartford, that breath of your's smells like death, have you been drinking scotch again? Remember what happened last time we caught you out drunk?

HARTFORD: Listen Sarge, that incident happened a long time ago. Now, please tell me why are you wasting my time, pup?

RALPH: Don’t call me pup.

HARTFORD: I’ll do what I want, Mr. Grumpy+Muzzle.

KEVIN: (Giggling) Mr. Grumpy+Muzzle? Ha

RALPH shoots KEVIN the death+glare. KEVIN shuts up.

RALPH: Judas, I’m afraid you’ve been fined by the state of Missouri for the unprovoked assaut of a minor, animal abuse and (shoots a look at HARTFORD’s truck. It’s busted.) drunk driving.

HARTFORD: (Frustrated. He takes a ticket from RALPH) Uncool, buddy boy. Uncool. (SLAMS DOOR)

SCENE - BABYLON PRISON, Int.

It's lunch time at the prison. A GUARD, 39, is releasing inmates from their cells.

GUARD: All right, you cons. Time for slop. Hey, you!

(He looks at JOEL ROBINSON, 23's cell. JOEL is sitting, writing in his journal.)

GUARD: Hey, you! Joel Zachariah Robinson. Joel the Ghost. The Digital Terror. Animal Man. The Angel of War. (Waves hands) The Death Star.

JOEL snickers. THE GUARD's face turns red with rage.

GUARD: Yeah, me knows ya. You were one of the vigilantes that hacked Henry Milton's dataframe in the cyber raid of 2006! Tried to frame him for animal abuse.

(The GUARD points to the TV in JOEL'S cell. It's playing the HENRY MILTON HOUR, a b & w children's show from the 60's and the source of MILTON'S vast fortune.)

THE GUARD GRABS JOEL FROM BEYOND HIS CELL BARS!

GUARD: Mr. Robinson, me and millons of other kids practically grew up with Mr. Milton. He and his show are very, VERY precious to us, and we will not tolerate scumbags like you trying to take him from us.

JOEL spots a man behind GUARD. HERMAN, age 49 one of JOEL'S accomplices.

JOEL: Well, that's funny. I was poor, so I didn't have a TV as a kid, but I DID have some very...

The MAN smacks the GUARD with a frying pan!

JOEL (Cont.)...very good friends!

[Harry Johnathan]

]JeHoVah777+++Godhasmysoul
SCENE - THE BABYLON PRISON PARKING LOT, Ext. +(NIGHT)

JOEL: (Throws off prison clothes) The gang's all here?

HERMAN NODS.

HERMAN: Uh huh. We got Cecilia, Thomas, Pedro and Ahab at the old PETA wearhouse.

JOEL: Good. (Pauses) Cecila and Thomas?

HERMAN: Some snooty rich couple. Mr. Milton's cousins. They hate his guts, and they wanted you to help them.

JOEL: (Gets into the getaway car) Why do they hate him, exactly?

HERMAN: He wrote them out of his will. Thomas was running some sort of sham orphanage, and Cecila was dealing catnip at schools.

JOEL: They sound like my kind of people. (He gets excited. The car speeds off.) Whoo, baby! Freedom!

A sign passes. BABYLON GARDENS: A PET FRIENDLY COMMUNITY. 5 MILES.

SCENE - UNCLE REUBEN'S FARM - EXT. (DAY)

A sign passes. TOPEKA, KANSAS. PRIVATE PROPERTY.

EARL: (Hops out of car) Alright, kids. We're here. Uncle Reuben's farm!

(A cow moos in the distance. A pigon poops on EARL'S head.)

EARL: Ick!

JILL: What's wrong, Earl dear? Do something with your hair?

(PEANUT snickers. GRAPE looks at him with distain and he quiets himself.)

PEANUT: (Clears throat) Ahem.

JILL: (Turns to PEANUT & GRAPE) Why don't you two go and play with Cousin Rufus.

GRAPE: Ma! Rufus is like, a hundred years old.

RUFUS: 99, actually. But nice guess.

PEANUT: Cousin Rufus! (Hugs the old Australian Shepard)

RUFUS: Woah, mama! You've grown, boy.

GRAPE: (Snickers, then jumps into the lake near the farm, getting out and doing a raspberry at PEANUT)

PEANUT: (Blushing intensely) Oh, mama.

RUFUS: (Gives PEANUT a dead chicken) Here. Girls love chicken.

PEANUT: (Obviously disturbed; he drops the chicken) Uh, thanks. (PEANUT runs off.)

SCENE - THE GROVE, Ext. (DAWN)

JOEL and HERMAN are riding in PETER'S truck when suddenly...

JOEL: Stop the car.

HERMAN: (Exhausted) Why?

JOEL: It's July, right?

HERMAN: Yeah, so?

THE GROVE IS COVERED IN WINTER FROST!

JOEL: (Awestruck) Then, why is it snowing? And just in this Grove...

HERMAN: (Pointing) Look at that!

(PETE'S TEMPLE IS IN THE GROVE!)

(We hear a small scream.)

HERMAN: Did you hear that?

JOEL: Sounded like a rabbit.

THE TEMPLE DOOR SWINGS OPEN.

HERMAN: Woah!

A phantom starts moving towards JOEL and HERMAN!
Y

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE - RIVER RIDGE POLICE DEPT. - Int.

JOEL: And that's the last that I remember from last night. Herman and I got spooked. Some pink rabbit was there, and springed a trap or something. Then there was this shadowy figure. Sprinting towards us. Like it was guarding something. Heh. It probably was.

(Meanwhile, a group of doctors are leading HERMAN away in a straitjacket.)

HERMAN: (Screaming) You can't do this! Don't take me awawy! I saw it, it was real! It was a giant, female dog and it had three heads! (He is loaded into a truck; BABYLON GARDENS INSANE ASYLUM)

JOEL: May God have mercy on his soul.

FIDO: (Taking notes) Sarge?

Sgt. RALPH: He's a human. Officer Bill's got to handle it.

BILL: (Sighs) Take him to cell block 4.y

SCENE - CELL BLOCK 4, Int.

GUARD: Mr. London will see you in 30 minutes. (Hands him a booklet for a company: LONDON LEGAL)

JOEL: London Legal, eh?

(JOEL sits down. He looks at the toilet, and then at the cell bad window above it.)

JOEL: Hmmm.

SCENE - THE LUCKY CHARM HOME FOR THE ABANDONED AND FERALS, Int.

ZACH, age 15, is playing with a Rubix Cube while his cell-mate DELUSIONAL STEVE is trying to escape.

ZACH: You'll won't escape that easily, Steve.

STEVE: Maybe Marion will bail me out again.

ZACH: Considering he also is the one who usually puts you back in again, I highly doubt it.

STEVE: Where were you last night, Zach?

ZACH: (Smug) Escaped. Again, to my little nick of the woods.

STEVE: It must be fun to visit the ferals. Are they all creepy, with claws? Do they run a cult? Moonshine?

ZACH: (Chuckling) No. They think I'm some sort of hero or something because I keep bringing them garbage. Last night, I didn't get to see them actually because my foot got stuck in something. I heard some screaming when I got out of it, and I was so scared I ran all the way back here.

STEVE: (Laughing) Wow!

(JERRY ARBELT and TIGER enters the shelter.)

MAID: Hello, Mr. Arbelt?

JERRY: I'm here for a refund. My son is defective.

TIGER: (Shocked) What!?

JERRY: Just kidding, my boy. (Slaps TIGER on the back; looks around) This place sure is spiffy, isn't it. (Looks at ZACH and then STEVE, who is chasing a mouse with a broom)

STEVE: Behold my bloody terror, villain!

JERRY: (Eyes shining) I think I'll have...

CUT TO:

SCENE - THE GOD CLUB, Int.

(All I Want for Christmas by Mariah Carey is playing on the loudspeaker.)

MARIAH V.O: ... Is youuuuuuuu!

BINO: (Clears throat; stands up to microphone) Ahem, folks. Attention! We have a new pet in town today. His name is Zach Arbelt, let's give him a round of applause.

ZACH enters the room.

PETS: Wooo! (Cheering)

(Suddenly, SASHA hugs ZACH, making BINO look at ZACH with rage. Then SASHA kisses BINO, making him blush.)

SPO, FIDO'S sassy pet mouse (Yes, I am aware of the irony) who likes to sit on his head, begins to speak.

SPO: How did Sasha of all people end up with your dingbat brother?

FIDO: Please, SPO, keep it down.

(SABRINA, at the window, gestures suggestively at FIDO with a doggy biscuit)

FIDO (blushing): Sorry, Sarge. Gotta go.

Sgt. RALPH: Isn't it weird he always leaves when that girl cat comes around?

KEVIN: (salting and peppering a not very amused WHAT CHICKEN) I hate it when he does that. (WHAT CHICKEN pecks KEVIN and runs off) Ow, she bit me!

Sgt. RALPH faceplams.

SCENE - BABYLON GARDENS PRISON, Int.

(JOEL appears to be trying to escape again, using the toilet as a stool to reach the cell barred windows.)

JOEL: If I could just...+

PETE V.O: Mr. Robinson? Remember me?

PETE appears as a well+dressed man... Except for the fact he has possessed a corgi.

CUT TO: FLASHBACK

Joel and Peter are attacked by Cerebus, and find PETE in the form of mist, who escapes the temple as Cerebus knocks JOEL out, PETER horribly injured. PETE then possesses an unlucky corgi+dog named KING on the street.

FLASHBACK ENDS

JOEL: (Shocked) You're not my lawyer...

PETE/CORGI: Oh, really? I thought we were going to switch to the insanity plea. (Looks around) Say, this body isn't working out for me. Too small, tight... Stubby. Too devoid of legal rights. Why don't we switch?

Suddenly, JOEL and PETE/CORGI's minds are switched. JOEL is now the corgi, and PETE is now JOEL.)

PETE: Hello, KING. We have work to do.
Hail YESHUA and the Holy Spirit of El Shaddai King of Heaven!

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE - GOD CLUB, Int.

BINO is giving a speech. Everyone in the clubhouse is asleep. Zach leaves.

BINO: Like I was saying, the budget for toilets has increased dramatically, so I'm asking you to please source your water from...

Cont. SCENE - THE WOODS, EXT.

ZACH encounters his racoon friends TRUCK (A chubby, cute, and innocent dimiwt) and FALSTAFF (a street+smart beanpole)

ZACH: Hey, guys!

Oddly, TRUCK and FALSTAFF... Bow to ZACH?

TRUCK: (Kissing ZACH'S FEET.) All hail the opener of ways! The masked brothers welcome you.

TRUCK and FALSTAFF'S cousins, SILVER, ZEN & CUSTOM INK, arrive and wrap a wreath of garlic around ZACH'S neck. INK'S son TINY TUM gifts ZACH a very large bag of trash.

TINY TUM: Thank you for getting rid of the monster, Mr. Opener.

ZACH: Umm... What monster?

ZEN: That dreaded three headed dog Cerebus that haunted the temple grounds!

ZACH: Guys?

SILVER: You broke the seal, and it left! (Holds trap that ZACH caught his foot in before.)

ZACH: Oh, no.

FALSTAFF: Come on gang, let's celebrate!

ZACH: What happened to you guys? Jess? Jessica? (The ferals start carrying ZACH on their shoulders, belching out a bizarre rendition of 'He's A Jolly Good Fellow') Help! Jess, what's gotten into them.

JESSICA, a possum: (Reading WOLF MAGAZINE and sipping an orange soda) You tell me.

SCENE - UNCLE RUEBEN'S FARM, Ext.

PEANUT: Hey, Uncle Reuben, can we sleep in the house tonight? The barn cats freak me out.

REUBEN: Alright then, boy. If the idea of sleeping with 8, rowdy little human children excites you so much-

PEANUT: Actually, nevermind.

REUEBEN: (Smiling slickly) Thought so!

SCENE - REUBEN'S HOUSE, Int.

PEANUT: (Holding a bag of catnip) Grape, I got you a-
+
GRAPE: (On the phone) Why, yes Maxie. I would love to go out with you. How's Sunday? See ya, then!

CLICK

GRAPE: (Cont.) What is it Peanut?

PEANUT: N-nothing. Nothing at all.

SCENE - HOTEL ISRAEL - Int.

PETE/JOEL: (Humming merrily as he applies makeup, a fake beard and snappy new clothes to his features, masking his true identity.)

KING (JOEL'S current body): You will never get away with this, you impostor.

PETE/JOEL: Alrighty+then. See if anyone believes you when you say: 'Help! The scary gryphon stole+my body+and put my soul in to a Welsh Corgi!'

KING: Somebody will.

PETE/JOEL: I highly doubt that, somehow. (Snaps fingers. Almost like magic, a credit card bearing the name of GASPAR JONES appears in PETE'S hand.)

KING: Gaspar? Really? That's your alias.

PETE/JOEL: Can you think of a better one, stupid dog?

KING: Don't call me that, you son of a-

(Suddenly, PETE snaps his fingers.)

KING: -a charming young woman! (Covers muzzle in shock)

PETE: Please. Don't profane your new pie+hole so soon, Kingy boy.

KING: What are you?

PETE: (Chuckles; grabs fedora) Your worst nightmare.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++IserveYahwehalone777J

[Nathan Kerbonaut]

Good stuff, Rydr. All we need now is a studio

[Amazee Dayzee]

Lovely work on writing this and putting it together Rydr in a script! It is really top-notch!

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE + GOD CLUB, Int.

(PEANUT, sullen, arrives and sits at the GOD CLUB meeting.)

BINO: (Offscreen) Hey, jerk!

Peanut Butter's ears perk up with worry. BINO COSTNER, his friends FOX LINDBERGH and GRISWOLD JENKINS and their bodyguard REX approach PEANUT, looking quite cross.

BINO (Cont.): So, you thought we wouldn't notice that little stunt you pulled in the comics page of the God Club's newsletter!

PEANUT: What stunt?

BINO: THIS! (Pulls up a picture of PEANUT'S comic for the newsletter, SPOT THE SUPERDOG, showing a villain that looks suspiciously like BINO wearing a pink dress being beaten by SPOT, who is with his cat girlfriend The stripe.)
(+++++++
PEANUT: I didn't mean anything by that... I-I thought you would like it+?

BINO: Like it? I love it! Because it means that you are kicked out of my club forever, catlover! (Grabs PEANUT'S membership card, tearing it in half) Ha, ha on you, pup!

PEANUT: Please, Bino! Grape's going on a date and mom and dad will be at work, I'll be all alone!

REX: Do we care?

FOX spits at PEANUT.

SCENE - GASPAR'S HOUSE, Int.

PETE/GASPAR: How do you like our house, Kingy boy? You know, buying real estate is far, far easier when you have the service of a certain someone's credit card pins, wink wink.

KING: I swear, I'll kill you in your sleep.

PETE/GASPAR: If you do that, though, you'll never get your body back. Besides, I'm immortal, anyway. (Looks through the cupboards) Ooh, look! Burning offal! (Grabs out a box of offal; it's on fire, he pours the black as coal foodstuffs into KING's new dog bowl)

KING: Jokes on you, I like offal. (Eats the food, then almost instantly spits it out)

SCENE + SANDWICH HOUSE, Int.

(PEANUT is helping GRAPE get ready for her date. GRAPE grabs a mirror.)

GRAPE: Hey, you combed out my eyelashes!

PEANUT: (Bashful) I though it brought out your feminine side.

(MAX arrives. He knocks on the door. He brought flowers.)

GRAPE: (Opens the door) Hellllooo, Maxie.

MAX: (Blushing) You look great.

GRAPE: Don't thank me. Thank, Peanut.

GRAPE blows PEANUT a kiss.

(PEANUT is just barely holding back tears.)

PEANUT: You guys have fun.

SCENE - BABYLON GARDENS, Ext.

(A moving truck branded A&H MOVING, CO. pulls up to the next door house of the Sandwiches. Out comes a cute little yellow Pomeranian, Charlotte, and her family.)

DAD: (Bumps into Charlotte) Move it, Charlotte!

(A green mist flows into the houses' chimney.)

CHARLOTTE/TAROT: Hello, Dragon.

SCENE - ARBELT HOUSE, Int.

ZACH enters the house, looking strangely disturbed. He is covered in leaves and tribal war+paint.

MARVIN: Hey, Zach what's up (Beat) What in Heaven's name happened to you?

ZACH: (Babbling) The ferals. It's the ferals.

Marvin grabs Zach by the shoulders.

MARVIN: (Worried sick) Zachary, tell me what's wrong?

ZACH: (Laughing madly) Heh. Heh. They think I'm a prophet. Ha ha ha! They think I'm a prophet!

SCENE - RIVER RIDGE COUNTY LIBRARY, Int.

GASPAR approaches the librarian, MRS. MCGILLICUDDY, age 59, at her desk.

GAPSAR: (Carrying a large stack of books) Hello, dear madam. I'd like to borrow this papyri if you plea-

MRS. McGUILLICUDDY: Do you have a library card?

GASPAR: Well, no.

CUT TO: (GASPAR being kicked out of the library... literally, landing on his new human butt.)

GASPAR: Ow! (Rubs backside) curses!

SCENE - THE FERALS' DEN, Ext.

CUSTOM INK, age 2?, is washing the ferals' blankets in one of those old+fashioned basins.

FALSTAFF, KIX and TRUCK are cooking crawfish. FALSTAFF sticks his hand in the pot and...

FALSTAFF (Hands on fire) Ow! Spicy paws! Spicy paws.

JESSICA, age 17, is sitting in a hammock, trying to read Playdead Magazine.

JESS: (annoyed by noise) Keep it down, Falstaff.

FALSTAFF: (kisses burnt and bulging hand) Sorry!

TRUCK: (Begins to stick paw in pot) I wanna try!

KIX: Truck, no!

JESS does a facepalm.

TRUCK (Offscreen) Ow, that hurt!

KIX brings JESS a piece of crawfish.

KIX: (Cheery) So, Jess. What's your opinon on Zachary Arbelt, the Opener of Ways?

JESS: (Talking with mouth full, spewing chunks into KIX'S face.) Oh, is that what you're calling him now?

KIX: Well, he is a prophet of the Gryphon!

JESS: (Sits up) Look, just because he stepped on some stupid hunk of wax+

KIX: Plywood, actually.

JESS: (Cont.) +And the 'spooky' three+headed dog that, mind you, only Malthus, Tiny Tim and some random guy from PETA have ever even seen just suddenly went away, does not make Zach a prophet!

KIX is stunned.

JESS: (Sly)+Even if he's a little cute, though.

TRUCK: (Walking on a log) Ooh! Jess has got a boyfriend, woah! (Falls down)

FALSTAFF facepalms.

SCENE - MILTON MANSION, Int.

HENRY MILTON sits at his desk, when..

DUKE (Offscreen): Daddy?

HENRY turns around to face his pet ferret, DUKE MILTON, age 4, with his blanket and teddy bear Mr. Snookums.

DUKE: I couldn't sleep.

[Harry Johnathan]

I serve Christ Jesus Yeshua, 777 +++ Yahweh and the Holy Ghost, not you.
SCENE - GOD CLUB, Int.

(BINO is gathering papers together when SASHA comes in.)

BINO: (Cross) What have I told you about coming in unannounced?

SASHA: I'm sorry, Biney+Bon. My daddy kicked me out again, can I stay with you tonight?

BINO: Absolutely not, club rules.

(FOX walks in.)

SASHA: Foxie+Bon! (Hugs FOX)

FOX: (Blushing) Hello to you, too, Sasha.

(BINO gives FOX the death glare.)
+++
SCENE - MILTON MANSION, Int.

(We see MR .MILTON and DUKE watching a tape of one of the later, color episodes of THE HENRY MILTON CHILDREN'S HOUR. We see a baby ferret hitting HENRY MILTON in the face with a Banana Cream pie.)

HENRY: (Laughing; noogies DUKE) Remember when we filmed that, son?

DUKE: (Chewing ice cream; turns to daddy) Hmm! Hmm!

CUT TO:

HENRY tucking DUKE into bed with his siblings KEENE, PIT, SIMON, LANA, ROCK and GAMU, whilst humming 'You are my Sunshine'.

HENRY: (Kisses DUKE'S forehead.) Good night, now. Daddy loves you.

DUKE: I love you too, daddy.

CUT TO:

Henry, making a sandwich in the kitchen, suddenly experiencing cramps in his chest.

HENRY: Jeeves! Get me my heart meds!

JEEVES (Offscreen) Right on it, good sir!

HENRY: (Strained) Please, God. Not now...

We hear PETE laughing. Strangely, HENRY hears it too.

HENRY (Enraged): Liar!

PETE laughs again. HENRY groans and clutches a crucifix as the laughter continues.

(A dramatic thunder strike.)

SCENE - LUCKY CHARM GROVE FOR THE ABANDONED AND FERALS, Int.

(It's night time. Closed. PETE and KING have broken in.)

GASPAR/PETE: (Looking through papers) Hmmm. You've been a very bad boy, Joel, from the looks of these files.

KING: (Irritated) Are you almost done using me as a meat puppet, "Gaspar"?

GASPAR/PETE: Not quite. (Pulls out a large orange file) Ah, the Holy Grail!

KING: (Curious) What is it?

GASPAR/PETE: (Reading) Zachary Dunsboro Arbelt.... (Grins at KING/JOEL) Our champion.

SCENE - HEATHCLIFF'S CAT CAFÉ, Int.

GRAPE: (Chewing on garbage, the only "food" served at Heathcliff's.) Wow, the garbage actually tastes like food today.

ALLERGA: We got a new dumpster diver this week. (Smiles) It's been a good week.

MAX: (Barely able to chew an old tire) It's still a lot better than lutefisk.

GRAPE: (Giggles)

SCENE - SANDWICH HOUSE, int.

PEANUT is sobbing hysterically while watching a marathon of Don Bluth films.

PEANUT: (Blows into a Tish+U) I'm alright. (Sneezes) I'm okay. This is all just a big misun-

TAROT: (V.O) Peanut Butter Sandwich?

PEANUT: (Excited) Aren't you the new neighbor?

TAROT: Yes. Call me... Tarot.

(A LIGHTNING STRIKE)
++++

[Amazee Dayzee]

This is coming along really gloriously! I really am enjoying the work you are putting into this!

[Harry Johnathan]

Hail Yahweh
SCENE - GASPAR'S HOUSE, Ext.

KING is sitting alone on the porch, sullen.

KING: Why me of all people? Why-

FOX (Offscreen): Hey, new neighbor!

King's ears perk up.

FOX: (Gives KING a squeaky toy) It's been a long time since any new neighbors moved in. What's your name?

KING (Smiles): Joe- er, King. King Jones.

FOX: (Shakes his hand) Foxworth LIndbergh. Just call me Fox, everyone does. (Grins; then turns around) Wanna sniff my butt?

KING: (Disgusted) Heck no!

A lightning strike sounds far away.

SCENE + BABYLON GARDENS, Ext.

IT IS RAINING. MAX IS NERVOUS, WHILE GRAPE IS NOT AMUSED.

GRAPE (Cross): Thanks for taking me to the park... in the rain(!)

MAX: (Bumbling) I didn't realize you didn't like getting wet? I mean, you act so unlike other cats-

GRAPE: (Mad) Other cats? Other cats? What other cats, Maxwell? I certainly don't see you...

MAX: Grape, your long silence is scaring me

GRAPE: (Accusatory) You think I'm a freak, like Allerga... A dog lover!

MAX: (Flustered) Oh, no no baby, it's nothing like that+

GRAPE slaps MAXWELL!

MAX: (Rubs cheek) Ow, that hurt!

GRAPE: You deserve it!

SCENE - GOD CLUB, Int.

BINO (Slams lactern): This meeting of the Good Ol' Dog's Club has bee-

FOX walks in with KING.

FOX: Hey, Bino. This guy was just sitting out on the street, he's pretty grumpy.

KING: Grumpy is an understatement. My ow- er, dad kicked me out of the house.

BINO: How terrible. What's your name? (Stretches out hand)

KING: King.

BINO: (Beat; his expression changes) Oh.

FOX: (Whispers to KING) The B-man really doesn't like it when he thinks someone is challenging his authority.

KING: (Whispers) Oh.

SASHA enters the clubhouse.

BINO: (Orange soda in hand) Sasha, baby!

SASHA: (Sniffling tears) My daddy kicked me out of the house again! (Holds our bruised hand) And he slammed the door on my paw!

The Clubhouse collectively gasps.

FOX: (Enraged) The scumbag!

BINO: That's none of your concern, Foxwo---

KING: Shut up, Bino.

BINO: (Steps up to KING) You challengeing my authority, wiseguy?

KING: No, because you have no authority.

KING: (Gives SASHA his scarf) Here, wipe your eyes with this.

SASHA: Thanks, Kingy. (Blows her nose on his scarf. Hands it back to a slightly disgusted King, who puts it on anyway.)

KING: My parents weren't the nicest people, either.

BINO shoots a glare at King, then grins.

BINO: Here, King. Take this present. You deserve it.

THE PRESENT EXPLODES IN KING'S FACE!

BINO: (Faking surpise) Oh, no! A catnip bomb! Whatever shall we do?

KING runs away as the entire GOD CLUB laughs at him.

FOX: King, wait.

KING: Isn't it funny how this club calls itself the GODC, when none of it's members are even remotely good.

FOX: You're good, King.

KING: I'm not even that.

FOX: King, come back.

KING: Shut up, Fox.

SCENE - THE CHURCH OF ST. ANTHONY ABBOT, Int.

FATHER GHETTI: (Reading from The Book of Revelation) -and the lion shall lay with the lamb, and the wolf shall lay with the sheep and a little child shall lead them...

CARL STEWARD, age 47, enters the church, and hands FATHER GHETTI a note, whispering into his ear. FATHER GHETTI'S expression is grim.

FATHER GHETTI: (Saddened) My dear friends, I am afraid that... Henry Milton... Has died from a heart attack.

SCENE - BABYLON GARDENS, Ext.

(MARION is running around town, throwing papers to people, all with the same tagline;)

HENRY MILTON DIES OF HEART ATTACK, LEAVES $777 BILLION FORTUNE TO PET FERRETS.

SCENE + LONDON LEGAL OFFICES, Int.

MR. LONDON: (Reading from the will) Thomas and Cecila, the will is as clear as ice water. The fortune goes to the ferrets and the ferrets alone.

THOMAS: That's a load of-

CECILIA: (Interrupts) Mr. London, as a rational human being, I have to-

(They are both kicked out of the office.)

[Amazee Dayzee]

Really amazing work that you are putting into this! It is so lovely!

[Harry Johnathan]

Hail JEHOVAH!
Thanks, Dayzee! I had actually been planning this for almost a year, coming up with different plots. Heaven's sakes, I even made a crudely animated "storyboard' version of the fan+film, spliced with images from the movie "The Witches" "IT" and "The Mummy", music from The Goonies, Handel, and Manhunter (1986) but sadly never finished it.

Some of my itinal plans were to have the plot be about Grape and Peanut rescuing Breel (who is in this version was a weird composite character with Jeeves, being Keene's butler/friend and never gets romantically invovled with him) from an underground labyrinth run by Pete with King (who was always a dog in this storyline and is already married to Bailey), Bailey, Fat Daryl, Keene and Karishad, but the idea got WAY too dark (Steward at one point was supposed to scratch at his eye, removing the skin around his nose and revealing himself to be Pete all along in the dumbest plot twist in fanfic history) Pete's goal is to steal a strange blue cube called "The Coin". After getting attacked by Grape, the coin teleports him to Sgt. Ralph's house, is shot by Ralph's insane owner and gets arrested, but escapes by killing the guard (in what I assume to be a takeoff from Joel's story). Also, Thomas and Cecilia, demoted to Steward's sidekicks, get eaten alive by The People Eater, depicted as an Eldtrich abomination created by Peanut's imagination powers; Tarot finds Peanut because he's apparently a psychic as well.)

Another story had Thomas (Cecilia wasn't present) and Steward, who has been turned into his cross dressing, stuttering servant, searching for treasure underneath a haunted house after kidnapping Tarot. Another version swapped Tarot with Peanut after I thought the idea was kinda sexist. A deleted character, Mr. Polish, a Nazi general hiding in Babylon Gardens, was supposed to appear. Joey and Fido we're combined into one weird character who is never even named and is not Bino's (whose name IS pronounced Bean-o) brother, nor even interacts with him. A subplot would be Bino breaking up with Duchess and apologizing to Grape for his bigotry towards cats, and Sabrina never appears and doesn't even seem to exist. Dragon and Kitsune aren't even mentioned, and Pete acted more like Euodant than anything. Res appeared as a weird composite character with Max, and Pridelands is never mentioned. Grape IS Peanut's girlfriend in this version and the Sandwiches are weirdly never mentioned, although she breaks up with him to date Dallas of all people, and Peanut gets together with Tarot. Valerio's characters Alcor and Mizar seem to have gained Bruce and Roosevelt's personalities for God Knows what Reason, and even live at the zoo (?)

In the end, I decided to rethink it all and to stay true to the Housepets! Spirit. Those weird, almost Tim Burtony early drafts had to go.
+++++++

[Harry Johnathan]

HailChristJehovahYeshua+++
SCENE - SANDWICH HOUSE, Int.

PEANUT and TAROT are having a conversation.

TAROT: And that is why there is no such thing as a good person.

PEANUT: Wow! I never thought of it that way!

GRAPE enters the house, soaking wet.

GRAPE: Peanut, who is this?

PEANUT: This is-

Tarot interrupts.

TAROT: (Introducing herself) I am Charlotte Tarotson Fabrina Florence. But you can call me Tarot.

GRAPE shakes her hand. Then, swiftly, grabs Peanut and takes him to another room.

GRAPE: Peanut! Why would you just let a random stranger in the house? What if they were a pyschopath trying to kill you?

PEANUT: (vindictive) You're just jealous because she makes me happy and you don't anymore!

GRAPE: No, that's not true!

PEANUT: Tarot is way cooler than you, too!

TAROT (Offscreen): Oh, Heavenly beings! Ghosts in the machine! Tell us where the adapter is, I seemed to have misplaced it!

GRAPE: (Snarky) Oh, yeah. Real "cool", Peanut Butter.

PEANUT: (Fuming) Oh, what Jellybelly? Scared that I'm going to abandon yo-

GRAPE: (Slaps PEANUT)

PEANUT: Ow, that hurt! Bad kitty!

GRAPE: (Cooling down) Peanut, I-

MAX pounds on the door. GRAPE goes to meet him.

MAX: My dad's at work, Bino's at a party and I can't find the house keys. Can I stay with you guys tonight?

CUT TO:

MAX, GRAPE, TAROT and PEANUT snuggling together, watching THE SECRET OF NIMH on TV.

TV: (V.O) And to you, Mrs. Brisby, and your strange, strange family...

SCENE + DISCOUNT JACK'S HOCK SHOP, Int.

THOMAS: (Burping; drinking orange soda) Wow, Jack, you're the only guy (belches) wolf, who really understands me.

JACK: Yeah, yeah. Are you gonna buy anything or what?

CECILIA: (To THOMAS) Thomas, dear. If we don't sort this little "inheritance" problem out soon, we'll end up dead somewhere in a dumpster...

JACK: Something like that happened to my Cousin Laura...

GASPAR, approaches THOMAS and CECILA.

GASPAR: (slick) I could help you with your problem, if you're willing to do me a small, SMALL favor...

SCENE - BABYLON GARDENS, Ext.

IT IS SNOWING! IT'S CHRISTMAS!

PEANUT: (Running outside; accidently runs into LESTER'S snowdog.) WOooo! Christmas!

JEEVES: Are you sure, masters, that this sled is safe?

SIMON and GAMU: We have no idea!

(They sled; it reaches high up into the air, landing in a tree!)

GAMU: WOOO!

JEEVES: One of these days, I swear I'll die just like Mr. Milton.

SCENE -+- MILTON MANSION, Int.

DUKE is laying in bed crying. KEENE and LANA enter the room.

LANA: (Rests her hands on KEENE'S shoulders) Should We-

KEENE: (Batting her hand away) No, I'll handle this.

KEENE approaches DUKE.

KEENE: Duke, are you okay?

DUKE: (Sniffling tears) Of course, not!

KEENE: (Hugs DUKE) I'm so sorry.

DUKE: (Whispers) I miss dad, Keene.

KEENE: So do I.

SCENE - SANDWICH HOUSE, Int.

PEANUT is in the basement, tinkering with EARL'S old NES, when he is approached by TAROT.

PEANUT: Hey, Tarot.

TAROT: Any luck fixing it?

HE NODS HIS HEAD: NO.

TAROT: Hmmm. (Zaps the NES with magic.)

IT TURNS ON.

PEANUT: (Laughing happily)

SCENE - SANDWICH HOUSE, CONT., INT. NIGHT

PEANUT cannot sleep. He's walking around the house when he OVERHEARS from the bedroom-

EARL: (Holding a negative pregnancy test kit) Jill, I'm so sorry.

JILL: (Sobbing) Why? Why can't I do this one simple thing?

EARL: It's not your fault that we can't have kids-

JILL: I want to hold a child. To feel a child. To see a baby laughing, to kiss it, see it go to school, grow up and-- (sniffling)

EARL sees PEANUT.

EARL: (Yelling) Get out, Peanut!

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE - RIVER RIDGE TOWN SQUARE, ext.

(Jingle Bells Rock is playing on the loudspeakers outside the bank. We see KING walking around the streets, clearly depressed.)

LOUDSPEAKER V.O: Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle bell rock! Dancing and prancing, across the air! That's the jingle bell! That's the jingle bell! That's the jingle bell rock!
IhailYahwehnooneelseI'm not selling
KING pauses at the TV. It shows a happy family eating Thanksgiving dinner together. Behind him is THE CHURCH OF ST. ANTHONY ABBOT. Father Ghetti and his cat, Lazarus, watch KING for a moment, shake their heads, and go back to decorating the church with Christmas lights.

FOX: (running towards KING) King, I just wanted to apologise for last wee+

KING just looks at FOX... sadly. Dead. Tired. Like an old man who's given up hope.

FOX: King?

KING: I forgive you, Fox.

SCENE - GOD CLUB, Int

Almost everyone in the club is alseep, except Sgt. Ralph, who is playing on his phone anyway.

BINO: So I'm all asking you, is to inform your families, that the danger of Rabies is real, and to clean every-

YELSTIN approached BINO.

YELTSIN: Boss? Sasha sent ya a letter.

BINO looks at it. He's fuming!

CUT TO:

WE SEE WHAT THE LETTER SAYS;

Dear Bino, I can't love you anymore. Not after what you did to King last week. I'm breaking up with you, I'm in love with Kevin now. I'm sorry.

P.S Tell Fido that he's still the cutest!

BINO: (Frustrated; screams into the air) NOOOOOO!

SCENE - (Driving) FATHER GHETTI'S CAR (Mov.)

Father Ghetti is driving along an empty patch of road. He looks in his rear mirror and sees...

FATHER GHETTI: (Knowing) Tarot.

TAROT: He's back. Pete's back.

FATHER GHETTI: (Smugly) I know.

SCENE - MILTON INDUSTRIES, Int.

Henry Milton's former advisors are gathered at the table.

ADVISOR #1: So, what we're saying, Mr. Milton, is that for the best interests of the company, you should... rethink. Promote. Remake the brand in your image.

KEENE: (In a swivel chair, sucking on a lollipop. He swishes the chair back.) So, what you're saying is... (Laughs) market.

DUKE comes in.

DUKE: (Holding a piece of paper) Keene, I found this in the attic.

KEENE looks at it.

It's a treasure map!

[Amazee Dayzee]

Loving what you are doing with this! Please keep it up!

[Harry Johnathan]

I'M NOT SELLINF MY A THANK JEHOVAH FOR EVERYTHING
SCENE + BABYLON GARDENS, Ext.

JOEY, age 17 and his mouse girlfriend SQUEAK, 19, are hanging posters around the town, reading:

ATTENTION! NEIGHBORHOOD PETS INVITED TO THE
ANNUAL YARN BALL by THE PARTNERSHIP OF THE GOD CLUB and HEATHCLIFF'S CAT CAFÉ.

FIDO: (Approaches JOEY) Hi, Joey. (Taken aback by the posters) Wow, Bino allowed this?

JOEY: (Chuckles) Of course not. He blurted some obscenities about Sasha during one of his speeches, Fox got mada and beat the carp out of him, and Bino got sent to the hospital for 77 broken bones.

CUT TO:

BINO IN THE HOSPITAL

BINO: Ow.

SCENE CONT.

FIDO: (Grumbling) He kinda deserved it...

JOEY: So, anyway, I'm acting president of the GOD Club until his return, and...

SCENE + SANDWICH HOUSE, Ext.

MAX is outside the SANDWICH HOUSE, Carrying a bunch of roses, calling to GRAPE from the balcony. GRAPE appears, wearing a diamond studded collar and tulled eyelashes.

MAX: (Astonished) Grape, you look wonderful.

GRAPE: Consider it your Christmas gift. (JUMPS FROM THE BALCONY INTO MAXWELL'S ARMS!, Then plants a peck on his cheek.)

SCENE + SANDWICH HOUSE, Int.

PEANUT is playing the original SUPER MARIO BROS. on his NES.

PEANUT: (Excited) Whoo! Get him, Mario!

TAROT: (Offscreen) Peanut honey?

PEANUT: (Sees her; we don't see what she looks like, but he is clearly impressed) Whoa, mama.

SCENE - GOD CLUB, Int.

A GROUP OF PETS ARE GATHERED TOGETHER.

JOEY: (At the podium) Attention, ladies and germs. The God Club, at the last minute, has relocated the party to the Milton Mansion!

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

CUT TO:

SCENE -+- GOD CLUB, Ext.

PEANUT is waiting anxiously, holding a bunch of daisies.

PEANUT: (Nervous) Is she coming?

He sees something... Odd in the sky. A green trail of spectral mist, like a spirit dragon. He follows it into-

SCENE -+- RIVER RIDGE PARK, Int.

-where young PEANUT SANDWICH sees...

SPIRIT DRAGON ENTERING THE BODY OF TAROT FLORENCE!

PEANUT: (Concerned) Tarot, what have you done?

SCENE - MILTON MANSION, Int.

THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING, JEEVES BUMBLING ABOUT SERVING DRINKS, WHEN...

DUKE: (Demanding) Jeeves, take me into a corner so I can do my bussiness!

JEEVES: (Dutiful) Yessuah! (Picks Duke up.)

MAX: (Dancing with GRAPE) A bit eccentric, aren't they?

GRAPE: (Relaxed) Hmm. (Kisses MAX, which surpises him)

PEANUT is in a corner, drowning his sorrows in Orange Soda.

BAILEY , age 37, an Alaskan husky bartender, gives PEANUT another orange soda, which he gulps down.

BAILEY: (Concerned) Woah, there boy! Slow down!

PONCHO is talking to PIT.

PIT: You think you dress great, look at this! (Pulls out a diamond studded jacket)

PEANUT: (Belches)

FOX is talking to KING, egging him on.

FOX: Go on, ask her out! (Points to BAILEY)

KING: Dude, she's your cousin, that would be weird!

FOX: (Smirking) If you do, we'd be brothers.

KING: (Chuckles) In law.

GRISWOLD: (Stands on top a table) Everyone, get naked! Woo! (Throws collar to ladies; it ends up being caught by KARISHAD, who is promptly mobbed by female dogs trying to take it from him)

FOX: (Concerned) I though Grissy only had one.

Suddenly, TAROT enters the room, dressed in a green Ruby studded collar and matching brackets, a stone necklace, fur boots, and with glowing green eyes.

The entire room goes silent.

TAROT goes up to PEANUT, grab him from behind... and kisses him on the lips, forcibly.

The entire room applauds.

PEANUT Blushes.

PEANUT: (Whispers) Are you the real you?

TAROT: (Stares at him) How much do you know?

PEANUT: (Still Whispering) Far, far too much.

[Amazee Dayzee]

Really nice job once again! You are definitely a very awesome writer!

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE - SANDWICH HOUSE, Int.

PEANUT and TAROT are awkwardly snuggling by the TV.

TAROT: I am the real me. Who else would I be, Peanut? I love you, I... Don't wanna hurt you, that's all.

PEANUT: (Obviously lying; strokes his paws in her fur) I believe you. (Whispers) I love you Charlotte.

THE TV COMES ON.

TV: (V.O) AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM KEENE MILTON, CEO OF MILTON TELEVISION STUDIOS.

KEENE: I am holding a contest. Whoever can traverse the deadly maze hidden inside the tomb in my backyard, and collect and bring to me at least 7 gold coins (holds up a small coin) ...like this laying throughout the labyrinth, will receive a cash prize of $37 Million Dollars, or, if you'd prefer, free tickets to either Pridelands Chapter 3 or Superpup Returns, a cameo as an extra in the Doc & Smith TV series, a vintage collector's set of the Universes and Unrealites board game, or a box of roasted chicken biscuits. Choose wisely.

CLICK.

PEANUT: (Excited) Yum! Roasted chicken biscuits.

TAROT: (Whispers) Keene Judah Milton, what have you done. (Leaves the house)

PEANUT: (Yelling) Tarot! Tarot! What's going on?

PEANUT OVERHEARS from the next room.

JILL: (On the phone.) Uh huh. Uh hum. Bye. (Click.) Squeeeee!

EARL: What is it, sugar buns? (Hugs JILL)

JILL: WE CAN HAVE A BABY!

EARL: What? Said who?

JILL: Dr. John Luke! He said all we'd need is a small operation and we'd be able to conceive!

EARL: How much would it cost?

JILL: (Grimly) ....half a Million Dollars.

EARL: So around $500,000? Jill, we couldn't afford that if my uncle was Mr. Monopoly!

JILL: (Sadly) I... I just wanted to show some happiness, that's all. (Shoots a glance at GRAPE, who is eating a sandwich) for the pets' sake.

PEANUT: (Whispers) No, I want you to be happy, mom. (Whispers quieter) Just for once. For your sake. Not mine.

SCENE + ARBELT HOUSE, Int.

ZACH is brushing his teeth when he hears something go crash in the other room.

ZACH: Tiger, did you pick a fight with Bino again? (No reply, just a spooky wind) That's weird. (Turns around)

THOMAS, GASPAR, and CECILIA ARE STANDING BEHIND HIM WITH A BIG BLACK BAG!

THOMAS: (Grinning) Hello, Zachary Abelt. (Stuffs him into the bag.)

SCENE -+- GASPAR HOUSE, Int.

ZACH opens his eyes, as the bag is lifted over his face. He looks around and spots...

GASPAR: (Grins like a madman as ZACH awakens) Hello, my prophet.

ZACH: (Worried) Where in the Good Lord's name have you taken me?

GASPAR: My house, duh! (Snorts) Uh... Listen, Zach+y boy. All my existence I have misjudged you... mortals. To me, you've always been food, or playthings, or something. I don't know what, just something.

ZACH lets out a nervous laugh and a wheezy sigh.

GASPAR: (Cont.) But now, I realize that you guys... are so much more than just that. You're living, breathing things created in the Big Daddy's image, yes? No? I could go on for days, centuries even about just how grateful I am, to you little meat peeps, for giving me the chance to start... (sighs) fresh.

ZACH: You're insane.

GASPAR: I think we've already established that, Zach. (Laughs) You look like you'd be a real... lady killer, Zach. So it's a little unfortunate that, to take back the things that are so rightfully mine, I'm gonna have to kill YOU.

(THOMAS knocks out ZACH with some noxius gas.)

GASPAR: Ah. The fresh smell... of tainted catnip.

SCENE -+- MILTON HOUSE, Ext.

KEENE: (Reading from a scroll) Here are the rules of the game; everyone is to wear a hat. I don't care WHAT it is, just put something on your head. Second, there aren't any more rules after that. Just don't cheat, murder anyone, give birth to triplets or sell piano themed underwear to a sketchy Bohemian calling himself The King of Terror. Ready? Go!

PEANUT (The Puzzle Master), GRAPE (ninja), MAX (ninja), FOX (Crusader knight), FIDO (detective), KING (cowboy) and SABRINA (priestess) put on paper bags as "hats".

JOEY (a wizard), SQUEAK (a fairy), LESTER (a warrior), DALLAS (Star Trek) and REX (a Native) laugh.

LESTER: (in barbarian gear) Those are your hats? (Beat; wheeze)

JOEY: (Mockingly sings) The Bag Heads! The Bag Heads! Ha ha ha.

KEENE shoots a pistol into the air.

The contestants all run into the temple as the door is opened by JEEVES and LANA.... except for...

Sgt. RALPH: (grabs KING by the shoulders) Ahem. King Jones? You're needed for questioning. (Whispers) It's about your owner.

[Harry Johnathan]

Hail Jehovah alone.
Int. SCENE - RIVER RIDGE POLICE DEPT

KING is with SGT. RALPH, KEVIN, OFFICER BILL... AND ANOTHER PERSON.
+
KING: (Confused) Can someone tell why I'm here?

THE OTHER PERSON APPROACHES KING. HE IS A SLIMY LOOKING, SKINNY HUMAN POLICEMAN WITH A BAD TIE AND AN EQUALLY BAD HAIRCUT.

OFFICER SHAW: (Chomping on a cigar) Does THIS man look familiar to you, King Jones? (Pulls up a tabloid magazine, Simon Says, which has a large picture of Joel with the caption: KOOKY WEB TERRORIST ESCAPES PRISON; PETA CULT TO BLAME!)

KING: (Clearly embarrassed) Yes.

OFFICER SHAW: (Calling) Mrs. McGillicuddy, please, bring the sample!

The old librarian complies, bringing him a bag of blood, spit and hair.

OFFICER SHAW: (Waves bag at KING'S clearly disgusted face) This, Mr. Jones, is a DNA sample from your owner, Gaspar, who was caught on tape BREAKING INTO the local library. (Grins) and you know what's funny to me, Mr. Jones?

KING: (Nods his head; no.)

OFFICER SHAW: (Chuckles) The funny thing is... this DNA sample matches his, almost exactly! In fact, IT IS him! (Laughs madly) It is him! Oh, thank the Lord, I got him! I caught Joel Zachariah Robinson! Haha! (Suddenly turns angry) I'M GONNA GET YOU, JOEL! AND I'M NOT GONNA SELL MY SOUL TO DO IT, NO SIR! HA HA AYYYEEEEE!

KING cowers in fear.

SCENE - WHITEMAN HOUSE, Int. (Night)

GASPAR/JOEL/PETE, THOMAS, CECILIA, AHAB and an escaped HERMAN, sporting a straitjacket, are carrying an unconcious ZACH to a trapdoor. GASPAR opens the door through keys he produces through supernatural means.

HERMAN: (Irritated) Any reason I had to keep the straitjacket on AFTER you guys broke me out?

PETE: It amused me.

CECILIA awakens ZACH with smelling salts in an aresole can.

ZACH: (Groggy) Jess? Jessica? I think I tripped...

GASPAR grins.

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

After entering the temple, PEANUT falls down a trapdoor.

GRAPE: (Screaming) PEANUT! (Max holds her back)

PEANUT awakens in a deep, dark pit. He sees...

THE FLYING PURPLE PEOPLE EATER, age 1,789, a terrifying monster!

PEANUT: (Terrified) You're not real... You're not real...

THE MONSTER APPROACHES HIM.

PEANUT: (Screaming) YOU'RE NOT REAL!!!

SUDDENLY, A BLAST OF LIGHT DESTROYS THE MONSTER!

SABRINA, now clothed like an ancient Priestess, is followed by FIDO, dressed like an old film noir detective, by MAX & GRAPE, dressed like anime ninjas, and FOX, dressed like a Crusader knight. PEANUT touches around his head and finds that his bag has become...

PUZZLE MASTER PEANUT: A top hat! (Grins) I'm the Puzzle Master!

GRAPE: Wow!

SABRINA: (Concerned) The resdiual magic in this temple has turned us into the heroes we've always wanted to be. (A ringing in her ears) I can feel something... evil hiding in this temple, everywhere we walk. Something that doesn't even know what it's doing is evil. Heaven's above, it barely knows what the word evil means. Something that thinks it's doing things for the benefit of the world.... something that is hungry. And it wants to feed on YOU.

FOX: (Beat) Sabrina, I think I just wet myself.

SABRINA: Good. That means you understand.

KING falls down into the pit with them, screaming all the way.

FOX: Hey, King, where were you? (Grins) Cuddling with Bailey, like I wanted you to. Isn't she an angel?

KING: (Irritated; has a small bruise on his head from the fall) Fox, If I wanted to hook up with your cuz, believe me, I would be rolling in the hay with her right now instead of down here with you and your weird little friends.

FOX: (Slyly) So you admit you, you're attracted to her.

KING: NO. (Paused) Kinda. But that doesn't mean anything.

FOX: (Makes kissy motions) Aw, is she gonna bear your puppies?

KING: (Embarrassed) STOP IT! JUST, STOP! GOOD LORD! WHAT IS EVEN WRONG WITH YOU?

FOX: (Ashamed) Sorry...

KING: Did your mom write saucy fanfiction when she was pregnant with you, Jesus Above, Fox!

The group starts trekking.

FOX: (Embarrassed) No, but she read Pridelands to me when I was a puppy...

SCENE - MILTON MANSION, Int.

KEENE is sitting in his swivel chair, admiring the contestants' progress from a computer screen routing their progress like a map.

KEENE: Good little guiena pigs. Good.

DUKE comes into the room.

DUKE: Keene, a miss Tarot Florence wants to speak with you.

KEENE: No, Duke. I want to speak with HER.

TAROT comes in, and throws off her green scarf dramatically.

TAROT: (Booming; speaking through magic) Keene Judah Milton, do you realize what you have done?

KEENE: Devise a clever promotional stunt that explores the mysterious temple near our house without any danger to me or my siblings and keeps my selfish, greedy and downright insane human cousins from stealing my father's hard earned fortune?

TAROT: (A tad fazed) While, aside from that.

KEENE: (Confused) What else did I do, Miss Florence.

TAROT: Mrs. Florence will do. I'm getting married in 17 years.

KEENE: (Grins) I heard you were quite the psychic!

TAROT: (Chuckles) You have no idea. Also, you've accidently just granted entry of "your" tomb to an insane, cannibalistic Gryphon that wants to drive humans extinct and keep the survivors as food because he thinks that will boost animal rights.

KEENE: (Spits out his tea) WHAT?

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

FIDO: (Walking CAREFULLY on a rickety bridge) Sabbie, baby. If we get out of this alive, remind me to kill the next snarky mouse you 'gift' me for Christmas.

SABRINA: You know I would never eat a mouse.

FIDO: You're a cat!

SABRINA: You're a dog, and look at you.

MAX: Can you guys stop bickering like lovers?

SABRINA: We are lovers, Maxwell.

THE ENTIRE GROUP: WHAT?

FIDO: Wasn't it obvious?
+++++++

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE -+- GOD CLUB, Int.

BINO enters the clubhouse, hobbling on a crutch.

BINO: (Groggy) Hello, my loyal subj- fellow dogs. (Looks around) Hey, where is everybody?

SCENE - BABYLON GARDENS, Ext.

A GROUP OF PEOPLE, HUMAN AND PET, GATHER AROUND A STOREFRONT WATCHING THE TV BROADCAST OF....

TV: (V.O.) The contestants for the million dollar grand prize include locals Peanut and Grape Sandwich, Maxwell Costner, Joey Parker, Fido Byron, Sabrina D'Angelo, Lester Stevenson........

JILL moves through the crowd, carrying groceries.

JILL: (Sees the TV) Peanut? Grape? (Freaks out) GRAAAAAPEEE!
Jehovahsaveus
SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

GASPAR/JOEL and his motley Crew are rowing aboard a nifty raft on an inky river in the deep caverns below the temple grounds. Zach is bound in yellow rope.

ZACH: (angry) You are all lunatics, every last one of you.

GASPAR: I think the word you're looking for, kid is... (Shows breifly his true nature to ZACH, a sight like bright light that terrifies the rabbit).... is Celestial being.

ZACH: What do you want from me?

GASPAR: (Laughs) Just your.... power. All I need is to make the human race go extinct.... and dine on what remains.

THE REST OF THE GROUP LAUGHS, PETRIFYING ZACH.

ZACH: (Fearful) I don't have power!

PETE: Oh, yes Zach. You DO. (Grabs ZACH by the foot, and stabs his foot with what appears to be a screwdriver; there is no wound, no blood. Instead, a stream of light flows from a small crack in ZACH'S underpaw.) Light the way, my sweet little cottontail. Light the way.

ZACH: (Gulp; whispers) Jessica.

SCENE -+- BABYLON STATE ZOO, Int.

TIGER: (Irritated) I don't even know WHY we're trying to save that stupid rabbit, anyway. All he did was eat up all the pizza.

MARVIN: He was our brother, Tiger. (Looks at Tiger) And I don't want to see another Arbelt die again.

TIGER looks ashamed.

MARVIN: (Nostalgic) Remember how mom... how she would hold you when the other dogs made fun of your name. Remember when we adopted you, back when you were abused by Aunt Claire, how you cried and cried and wouldn't eat until Mom just, gave you some pizza one day. (Chuckles)

TIGER: (Laughs sadly)
I LOVE TALKING TO GOD

THEY CLIMB UP A LADDER.... TO THE HERMIT'S TREEHOUSE!

THE HERMIT: (Eccentricaly hanging upside down from a metal bar) Hello, Tiger. Marvin.

TIGER: (Confused) How did you know ou-

THE HERMIT: I know things no man... should ever know. (Chuckles) I hear stories from all kinds of creeping things; mice, crows, men, women and bratty little children; they all have a story. And I certainly know yours.

MARVIN: Umm...

THE HERMIT: (Dramatic) The only you seek, called Zach Arbelt; Is in quite the problem; he need YOUR help. Kidnapped by theives, liars and a demigod, you must save his poor soul, before his body is dust and sod.

TIGER: (nonplussed) So, anyway, where is Zach?

THE HERMIT: I can't tell you.

MARVIN: Why?

THE HERMIT: Go boil your head.

THE HERMIT kicks them out of the treehouse.

TIGER: Now what?

MARVIN: (Points to the woods) The Ferals.

[Harry Johnathan]

IHAILJEHOVAHNOTANYONEELSE
SCENE -+- PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

FOX: So am I getting this straight? You, Fido, the coolest guy I know, are dating her!

FIDO: (Coughs) Not, like dating-dating.

SABRINA: It's more of a really, really poorly hidden affair.

FOX: (Shocked) But she's a cat!

FIDO: What's that gotta do with it?

FOX: Dogs don't date cats! It's... It's insane!

KING: Everything about today has been "insane".

MAX: (Burps) Sorry, that was the cod speaking.

GRAPE: (Disgusted) Ew!

SUDDENLY, THE RICKETY BRIDGE BREAKS!

PEANUT: (Yelling) Woah!

PEANUT FALLS DOWN A DEEP CHASM.

GRAPE: Peanut? (Screams) PEANUT! (Both KING and MAX pull her back)

PEANUT SCREAMS AS HE FALLS, WHEN...

TAROT: Got you! (Grabs PEANUT by the leg)

PEANUT: (Surprised) Tarot!

TAROT: Save the chit chat, Nutboy. (Pecks his cheek)

MAX: (Calling from the bridge) You guy's okay?

PEANUT: Yeah. (Beat) Not really.

SCENE -+- THE WOODS, Ext.

MARVIN: (Cont.) And that is why I think you should help us.

THE FERALS LOOK AT HIM, ARGUING AMONGST THEMSELVES.

SILVER: We should ask Malthus the Wise!

JESS: (Snark) More like Malthus the Kick-boxer.

TRUCK: Remember when he kicked that little bratty kid in the butt!

CUT TO:

MALTHUS, A DEER, AGE ??????, KICKS A LITTLE BOY BLOWING BUBBLES AT SILVER AND ZEN BACK SEVERAL YARDS.

RANDOM KID: Ahhhhhh! (Thud)

FLASHBACK ENDS.

SQUIRREL: (Blows a homemade blowhorn made from a twig) Malthus is here! Malthus is here!

MALTHUS approaches the ferals.

MALTHUS: (Wisely) If you think you should help Zachary, do it. I'd you don't, and he doesn't return... His blood is on your hands.

TIGER and MARVIN stare at each other.

CUT TO:

MRS. ARBELT ADOPTING MARVIN.

FLASHBACK ENDS.

SCENE -+- PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

The group are walking through a smoke filled hallway with dozens upon dozens of doors.

TAROT: Stop!

THE GROUP PAUSES.

TAROT: (Looks around; in front of the group is a large, tiled floor with strange, almost Herabic, characters.)

MAX: It's just like that scene in the third Indiana Jones!

GRAPE: Peanut, do you remember what the solution to the Puzzle was?

PEANUT: (Thinks hardly) I think it was supposed to be Jehovah, but I can't see any letters to spell it with.

TAROT: Wait! The letters! They're in Hebrew! (Turns to Peanut) Jehovah is the latinized version of Yahweh, one of the 77 names of God, which is the Hebrew word for..

PEANUT: (Beaming) LORD! (Turns to Fox) Fox, didn't you study languages at Obedience School? Quick, spell LORD!

FOX: Mostly Japanese and Spanish. I know some Hebrew. Let's see... (Picks out the letters YODH, HE, WAW and HE) Okay, you write Hebrew backwards! Step on the tiles in that order!

THE GROUP DOES SO. KING ALMOST TRIPS, BUT MAX HOLDS HIM UP.

KING: Thanks, Max.

MAX: (Beaming) No problemo!

The group make it past the puzzle.

FOX: (Sweating) Whoo!

JOEY AND HIS CREEPY FRIENDS ARE RIGHT NEXT TO THEM.

JOEY: Hello, chums. We made it here in the space of, oh 30 minutes. We waited for you, so it would be fair. (Grins) We won't do this every challenge that takes you hours, though.

JOEY'S GROUP RUNS OFF. SQUEAK DOES A RASPBERRY AT GRAPE.

GRAPE: Remind me to bash Joey's brains in when we get home.

FIDO: (Looks around) If we get home.

SCENE -+- RIVER RIDGE POLICE DEPT., Int.

TERRANCE brings Sgt. RALPH his coffee.

RALPH: Thanks, Terrance. (Sips) Thank God for coffee.

TERRANCE LEAVES. AS HE EXITS THE ROOM, KEVIN ENTERS.

KEVIN: Uh, Ralph? (Hands him a file) Mr. Steward gave me this. It's about Henry Milton.

The File's Title is: MILTON ESTATE FILE. Ralph pulls out a piece of paper.

It reads;
Hail JEHOVAH nooneelse
MILTON INDUSTRIES SPENDING LIST:
(Every item is crossed out except the bottom:)

TEMPLE OF THE GRYPHON (Name crossed out) CAIRO, EGYPT

RALPH: (Chuckles) He bought a temple. A temple in Egypt.
+++++++

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE - GOD CLUB, Int.

BINO (depressed) I miss Sasha.

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

GRAPE: (Holding hands with Max; a bat flies in front of her) Ah! Maxie!

MAX: (Grips her hand tighter) Relax, Jellybelly. I'm just as scared as you are.

GRAPE: I wasn't scared of the bat. I was asking you to stop squeezing my hand.

MAX: Oh, sorry. (Loosens grip)

TAROT: Behold!

A GIANT DOOR WITH A CARVING OF A GRYPHON PLAYING CHESS WITH A KITSUNE AND A SPIRIT DRAGON.

TAROT'S eyes glow green once again.

SABRINA: This is where the evil is.

SCENE - CAVERNS, Int.

PETE is holding ZACH, and takes him to a door.

PETE: (Grins) The only way to open this door is through Heavenly light. (Points to Zach's foot) Because you broke Cerebus' seal, you gained some of your power, at least for only a few days. Cerebus is a Celestial, like me. By extension, your foot is emitting light from Heaven.

ZACH: THAT'S why you kidnapped me? To shine a magic flashlight and open a door?

PETE: It's not just ANY door, Zachary boy. This is where the Mana is.

ZACH: Mana?

PETE: Cookies. Made in Heaven.

ZACH: You're going to destroy the world with God's cookies?

PETE: Oh, Zach. These aren't just any ordainary cookies. They're fine to eat if you're already dead... (Grins) But, when even just ouched by a mortal human, they.... well, have you ever watched the movie Speed?

ZACH NODS; NO.

PETE: Let's just say the results would make Michael Bay very VERY happy.

ZACH: Bombs. You're going to feed the cookies to the humans, and they'll explode!

PETE: (Grins) No, but good guess. I'm going to FEED the cookies to my... feathered friends. You how birds fly all around the world, gathering in one place several times. (Laughs) By next Winter, every city on this planet will be reduced to ash and dust!

ZACH: Good Lord!

CECILIA grabs ZACH by the neck and pokes his foot with a pin, unleashing light upon the door that opens it to reveal a giant horde of golden cookies.

PETE: (Laughs) Well, Zach. You've served your purpose. Time to die!

ZACH: Wait, no! Stop!

AHAB grabs ZACH and throws him down a chasm!

ZACH: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SUDDENLY, ZACH'S LEG IS CAUGHT BY...

JESS: Hang on!

ZACH: That's funny. (Chuckles) You're funny.

TIGER and MARVIN hug ZACH.

ZACH: You guys saved my life.

MARVIN: The Arbelt Brothers help one another.

JESS approaches ZACH, and kisses him.

JESS: There, better you dummy?

ZACH: (Woozy) No, I'm feeling great.

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

TAROT: The Gryphon must've entered through the caverns below Whiteman House.

SABRINA: He's after the Mana, isn't he?

TAROT: (Grimly) I'm afraid so.

MAX: Wow, we went from a simple treasure hunt to "evil blue gryphon trying to eradicate mankind". This is BAD.

KING: Hold on. Did you say evil blue gryphon!

TAROT: Yeah, why?

KING: I know him. His name is Pete.

SCENE -+- HEAVEN'S COURT, Int.

FATHER GHETTI enters the court, and speaks to Bahamut.

GHETTI: Dragon found Pete.

BAHAMUT: (Confused) What's with the disguise?

GHETTI: (Eyes glow pinkish) I like churches.

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

IT IS VERY DARK. THE K9S BRANDISH FLASHLIGHTS.

MARVIN: Zach said this is where Gaspar took him.

Sgt. RALPH: (Pokes flashlight down the trapdoor) This was the fight club was.

ZACH: Fight club?

Sgt. RALPH: You know the story about Whiteman House? About it being a pet shelter? That wasn't true. It was just a normal house for a normal family..... A family that turned animals against one another, killing them for sick entertainment.
I'm not selling it, I have all the inspiration all I need
TIGER: (Gulps) You know, I'm never complaning about going to bed early on weekdays again.

Sgt. RALPH: (Chuckles) You're lucky. I never sleep.

[Amazee Dayzee]

Wonderful work once again! This is really starting to look like it could be an actual movie!

[Harry Johnathan]

Jehovah own my soul still and always and I'll nerv
SCENE - CAVERNS, Int.

Sgt. RALPH, KEVIN, TERRANCE and MUNGO are climbing down a ladder into the caverns below Whiteman House.

KEVIN: It feels wrong in so many ways going down here.

Sgt. RALPH: If we don't, then Joel escapes.

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

MAX: (Looking around the dark room they have found;whispering, hands clasped) Now, I'm not a praying cat, but, in the event we die a horrible death, which is very likely, I'm sorry for stealing Grape's hairbrush.

GRAPE: (Grumbles) I heard that, you pervert.

PEANUT: (Opens a chest; gets excited) Guys, look!

THE OTHERS STARE AT HIM.

PEANUT: (Holds up coins) 5 coins!

GRAPE laughs with delight.
SABRINA grabs FIDO by the collar, pulling him into a corner to kiss him.

FIDO: Eeep!

SCENE -+- HEAVEN'S COURT, Int.

THE ANGELS ARE GATHERED AROUND BAHAMUT, WITH CEREBUS, MONOTIRING TAROT, GHETTI AND SABRINA'S MOVEMENTS ON A SCREEN.

BAHAMUT: (Grimly) If they fail, then that pyscho is going to destroy the planet.

CEREBUS: Couldn't we fix it?

BAHAMUT: (Turns to her) That depends on what the Big Man thinks.

SCENE -+- THE CHURCH OF ST. ANTHONY ABBOT, Int.

FATHER GHETTI: (Gathering papers) I'm actually gonna get him this time...

LAZARUS: (Standing in the doorway) You're leaving, aren't you?

FATHER GHETTI: (Turns around; sighs) Brother Lazarus, you know that I'm not exactly...

LAZARUS: (Cont.) .... Normal.

FATHER GHETTI: I can't stay here forever. (Pauses; hands Lazarus a card) Here.

LAZARUS: (Looks at the card; it reads:) The Great Kitsune, occupation: celestial being, location: Heaven's Court, Dimension Prime.

FATHER GHETTI IS GONE!

LAZARUS: Father Ghetti?

[Harry Johnathan]

Wonderful work once again! This is really starting to look like it could be an actual movie!

Thank you Dayzee! Also, I was wondering if the fic had any problems (aside from the obvious 'hitting Fox with a pie scenario, which I promise I will get to'). I wrote most of the story around a year ago, before I even got to the Temple Crashers arc (I still haven't read the first one fully) which, as you can see, is what the fic is mostly adapted from. I was wondering if the characters seemed off, or if anything didn't work. I want to improve!

[Harry Johnathan]

A major influence on the script, lol.
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com ... 5,600_.jpg

Forgive me for being kinda an idiot

[Harry Johnathan]

HAIL JEHOVAH CHRISTI
SCENE -+- THE CHURCH OF ST. ANTHONY ABBOT, Int.

LAZARUS: (Looks around) Abba? Abba?

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE, Int.

PEANUT: (Looks around) Um, guys? (Points to ceiling) Has that always been there?

THE CEILING IS COVERED IN WORMS!

TAROT: (Worm falls on her nose) Ew!

SABRINA: (Holding FIDO close) That's what he was eating while he was trapped in here.

GRAPE: (Finds small trapdoor) Oh Lord.

FIDO: What is it?

GRAPE: Look.
Worship Jehovah

THEY OPEN THE TRAPDOOR TO FIND...

KARISHAD: (+Jumps+out+, carrying broom) Hiya!

THE GROUP SCREAM, EXCEPT TAROT.

TAROT: What are you doing here, Karishad.

KARISHAD: Hunting gargoyles, like Dragon told me!

FOX: Hold on. "Dragon?" "Gargoyles"?

TAROT: It's.... complicated to explain.

MAX: Any more complicated than spooky evil gryphons?

GASPAR: (Standing behind them) No. It's WAY more complicated.

TAROT: (Eyes grow green) Pete.

GASPAR: (Grins; turns to KING) Hello, Joel. I see you've made some new friends. Worship me and you'll have far, far more.

KING: (Teeth barred) Worship you? After what you did to me? Heck no! You're an unholy abomination!

GASPAR: I'm afraid, that once I'm through with these mortals, you won't have much of a choice. (Grins) Besides, I've already dispatched with those fools from PETA. (Chuckles) Who knew that some misguided cultists could taste so... yummy! (Rubs belly, disgusting KING)

FATHER GHETTI: (Behind GASPAR) Hello, Pete. How was lunch?

GASPAR: (Turns around; eyes turn red) Kitsune! (Hisses)

FATHER GHETTI TRANSFORMS INTO...

KITSUNE: (Grinning) Surprise!

PEANUT: Father Ghetti?

FIDO: This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

TAROT: Welcome to my world. (Transforms into....)

SPIRIT DRAGON.

PEANUT: (Saddened) You weren't the real you.

DRAGON: (Turns to Peanut) I'm sorry, Nutboy. (Turns to PETE) But I gotta deal with the bad guys now.

GASPAR: I'm afraid not, Draggie girl. (Snaps fingers)

EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY PULLED TOWARDS A SERIES OF DOORS BEHIND THEM!

FIDO: What in God's name is happening?

GRAPE: (Trying to hold on for dear life onto KARISHAD'S broom.) It's a mind game!

SCENE -+- CAVERNS, Int.

Sgt. RALPH and the K9s discover....

A TRAMUATISED THOMAS AND CECILIA AMONG THEIR DEAD COMRADES!

CECILA: (Mad) Yellow eyes... yellow eyes.

THOMAS: (Laughing) I didn't know you could do that... open your mouth that way.... Hahhahah.

KEVIN: Ralph?

Sgt. RALPH: They've lost their flipping minds. (Turns to TERRANCE) Take them back to the office. (Turns to the others) Alright, boys. Put on your helmets; the temple is gonna very dark!

[Amazee Dayzee]

Great work once more! I see the influences on the script very clearly!

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE -+- THE THE CHURCH OF ST. ANTHONY ABBOT, Ext.

LAZARUS: (Looks up to sky; a thunderstorm begins) Something strange's happening is to this town.

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE (Illusion: Alleyway), Int.

GRAPE awakens, her head hurting, in what appears to be a dark, rainy alleyway, litterted with garbage. KING is next to her.

VOICE: (Offscreen) Princess!

GRAPE: (Confused) Mrs. Andrews?

Mrs. ANDREWS: Yes, I'm here, Princess. I never gave up looking for you.

GRAPE starts running towards her, but KING stops her.

KING: (Concerned) It's a trap. She's not real.

VOICE: (Offscreen) Joel?

KING: Mom?

MRS. ROBINSON: I left your dad. Me and the pets are happy now. Come home with us, I miss you.

KING RESISTS THE TEMPTATION.

KING: You're not real. You're not real...

Mrs. ROBINSON: No, King. I'm very real...

KING: YOU'RE NOT REAL!!!

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE (Illusion, God Club) Int.

FIDO and SABRINA awaken, tied to chairs, with dunce caps on their heads; FIDO'S reads CAT LOVER, SABRINA'S reads STINK WITCH.

BINO: (Dressed in a suit) Behold, gentlemen! The shame of our neighborhood, Lord Byron and Sabrina the Teenage Hag!

THE ENTIRE GOD CLUB LAUGHS AT THEM, INCLUDING Sgt. RALPH, SPO AND KEVIN.

SABRINA: It's just an illusion, Fido! Don't let it get to you!

FIDO: (Sweating profusely) It's not real...

SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE (Illusion, Jungle) Int.

FOX is running away from something. Then he sees...

Mr. HARTFORD: (As a zombie giant monster) You didn't think you would get away THAT easily, did you Foxy boy?

FOX: Oh, God!
I love Jehovah
SCENE - PETE'S TEMPLE (Peanut's bedroom) Int.

PEANUT is looking around, when he sees...

PETE: (As a gryphon, playing "Metroid" on Peanut's NES) Carp, I died! (Turns to PEANUT) Hello, Peanut Butter.

PEANUT: So, that's what you really look like.

PETE: (Grinning) No. My true form is a little more... (Eyes light up, yellow) complex. This is just my favorite form.

PEANUT: You tried to kill us. All of us.

PETE: Correction! I tried to kill MOST of you, YOU I wanted alive!

PEANUT: Why, me?

PETE: Because, you fascinate me. (Starts playing with Rubick's cube), Tell me, Peanut, how can one creature, with so many friends, surrounded by toys and game, living with a loving family, be so... lonely. (Drops cube) How can you be so despearte, that you would let a stranger into your house, start dating her, and even when you find out she's not who she says she is, you continue to love her. She lied to you, Peanut. It seemed you can't even trust heavenly beings. Poor you.

PEANUT: (Bravely) No. You're lying to me. Tarot told me you're the master of lies.

PETE: Let's strike a bargain. (Produces contract through magic) Join me, serve me, and I will spare you and all those you cherish when I destroy this world. (Plucks out a feather, dips it in ink, and hands it to PEANUT.)

PEANUT: (Slaps PETE'S hand away) Liar! You won't GET to destroy the world! We'll stop you!

PETE: (Angry) Foolish little boy!

KITSUNE: (Behind PETE, with DRAGON and the rest of the group) Hello, Pete. We meet again.

PETE: How did you find me? (The illusion of PEANUT'S room fades away, revealing it to be a sewer like area of PETE'S TEMPLE.)

KITSUNE: It was actually kind of easy, considering Peanut's bond with Dragon. She could locate him, and in doing so, well, we located you.

PETE snarls. He transforms back into GASPAR/JOEL.

KITSUNE: Oh, and make your illusions a bit less obvious next time. A vision can't exactly, well, kill anyone you know.

PETE: I am a necromancer. I have powers you will never understand!

KING: Oh, yeah? Like what? Turning cookies into bombs? Real powerful. I'm so scared of you.

PETE: (Enraged) You should be scared of me! I am older than time itself! I have feasted on worlds and civilzations! I have eaten kings and empires! I have started wars.... AND ENDED THEM! I AM BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION, MORTAL SCUM!

KING: No. I undertstand you very clearly. You're no demigod. What you are is just a jerk who doesn't know when to shut it.

PETE: (Screaming) AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

THE ROOM AROUND THEM BEGINS TO MORPH INTO...

SCENE - HEAVEN'S COURT, Int.

KING: (Grins) Pete, I'd like you to meet my new friends.

BAHAMUT: (Slams hammer onto lactern.) Pete, you have been sentenced to an eternity in Hades for your crimes against humanity, which include turning Joel into a corgi, eating members of PETA, attempted terrorism and breaking into Heavenly areas. What do you have to say for yourself, Pete?

GASPAR: (Grinning; looks up a chandelier) All I have to say is... see ya, suckers! (Jumps onto rope, starts climbing towards ceiling hole)

GRAPE: Somebody stop him!

KITSUNE: King, I think you should do this. (Gives him a sword)

FOX: But, He would be killing himself... I'd be stuck as a corgi forever!

KING: (Has flashbacks to his arrest; jumps onto rope; whispering) Sorry, mom.

GASPAR: (Huffing) Almost.... there....

KING: (Yelling) Hey, Pete? You like offal? Because you're about to be it, mother pheasent.

GASPAR: (Terrified) No, please! I'll give you anything.... NO! (Stabbed by KING with sword.)

GASPAR'S BODY STARTS TURNING INTO SPIRIT CROWS, WHICH ARE CAPTURED BY KITSUNE AND STORED IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN URN.

PETE'S VOICE: (Fading) No! Please! You can't do this to me, Kitsune! Ahhhhhhhbbbbhh....

FOX: (Puts arms around KING) You did it, you crazy son of a charming young woman.

KING: Just say the word.

FOX: (Stern) No. (Noogies KING)

PEANUT kisses TAROT.

TAROT: (Pushes him away) I have to stay here, Peanut. I'm not.... Tarot.

PEANUT: (Saddened) I know.

GRAPE and MAX look sorrowful as they watch TAROT walking away from PEANUT.

FIDO: (Puts his hand on PEANUT'S shoulders) There's always plenty of fish in the sea.

PEANUT: (Bittersweet) Only one of them was a record breaker.

SCENE - MILTON MANSION, Ext.

KEENE approaches the party leaving the temple, minus TAROT.

KEENE: I'm sorry about kinda dragging you into a cosmic conspiracy, so I'm... offering ALL of you a consolation prize! (Pulls out a bunch of checks) $500,000 for EACH of you, both teams!

LESTER: What? That's insane!

KEENE: Psht! That's barely a dent in my wallet!

GRAPE and PEANUT look at each other, and go...

GRAPE: Squeeeee!

PEANUT: Squeeeee!

DALLAS: Look!

THE TEMPLE COLLASPES INTO THE EARTH, CREATING A SINKHOLE!

KARISHAD: It's glorious.

KEENE: (Sips tea) It's a waste of $10,000.

SABRINA: The evil is defeated.

[Harry Johnathan]

SCENE -+- WOLF HOUSE, Int.

TITLE CARD:

1 YEAR LATER.

THE WOLVES ARE CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS TOGETHER... ALONG WITH FOX, JOEY and KING.

FOX: (Grinning) Go on, King. Open it!

KING: (Opens it; it's a golden studded collar. He turns to FOX) Thanks, Fox.

FOX: No, problemo! (Reclines, looks out the window.)

CUT TO:

SASHA and KEVIN having a playful snowball fight.

BACK TO:

FOX: (Sighs)

KING: (Slaps FOX'S back.) Aw? Having girl trouble, are we? (Grins cheekily) Maybe I can find you a nice GIRL CAT for you snog!

FOX: King, remind to break your face later.

JOEY: (Excited) Ooh, can I help?

SCENE -+- BABYLON GARDENS, Ext. (Night)

MILES is walking around the neighborhood, when he spots PEANUT sitting, depressed, on the sidewalk.

PEANUT'S MP3 PLAYER: (Playing Weird Al) Amish Paradise! You might really think it BITES, living in a.... Ammmmisssh paradise!

MILES: Peanut? What are you doing out this late?

PEANUT: Oh, hi Miles. (Laughs nervously)

SCENE -+- CLIFF TOP, Ext.

MILES: Peanut, whenever my people felt sad or alone, we would travel up, up, up to the clifftops. We didn't want to do anything stupid, so we would take out all our energies (slaps Peanut's back) with a howl. Let me hear a big one, son.

PEANUT: Oh, no Miles. I can't do that. I'm not a wolf.

MILES: As a wolf, and an alpha, I give you permission. (Grimly) I don't want you to do anything foolish, Peanut. I won't judge your howl.

PEANUT: (Meekly; let's out a small squeee) Eek!

MILES: (Concerned) Is that the best you can do?

PEANUT: (Quite suddenly lets out a giant howl) HOOOOOWWLLLLLLL!

MILES: (Amazed) Good boy.

SCENE - SANDWICH HOUSE, Int.

EARL is hugging and kissing JILL, who has a baby bump.

EARL: Don't squeeze me too tightly, we wouldn't wanna hurt Billy the Kid now would we, Jill?

JILL: Martin Gordon Sandwich. Nice name, don't you think?

EARL: Would've gone with....

JILL: (Shooses him)

GRAPE: (Giggles)

SCENE -+- BABYLON STATE PARK, Ext. (Night)

PEANUT is walking on a bridge when suddenly...

TAROT/DRAGON: Hello, Peanut.

PEANUT: (Overjoyed) Tarot!

TAROT: Shoosh. Peanut, I don't have much time. (Takes out a green, broken watch that's leaking sand) I can only take this form for a shor-

PEANUT interrupts her with a kiss.

KITSUNE is watching from afar as FATHER GHETTI.

FATHER GHETTI: (snickers) Mortals always get their happy endings.

THE END.

[Amazee Dayzee]

Awesome work on getting this all written and put together! I really do think that you are really impressive with your writing skills!

[Harry Johnathan]

Awesome work on getting this all written and put together! I really do think that you are really impressive with your writing skills!

Thanks, Dayzee.

Also, forgot to mention this , the whole "howling at the moon with Miles" thing was inspired by the stories of Boondock Jack! (Check him out!)

I was inspired by Danny Elfman's theme for Frankenweenie while writing the ending.

[Amazee Dayzee]

Whatever your influences are, this is a pretty neat fan script! Hope that you will decide to write something else!

[trekkie]

Great job on this script. Glad everyone got a happy ending.

[NHWestoN]

Great job on this script. Glad everyone got a happy ending.

Happy endings are devoutly desired these days....

[Amazee Dayzee]

Especially in the times of dealing with what seems like is a new plague that has taken hold and people need something to look forward to and make them happy.